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Lone parents

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Original poster

DH donating sperm to BF

44 replies

syd · 25/07/2007 23:28

My best friend, for lots of complicated reasons , is single although beautiful, accomplished, successful etc etc. She had a m/c last year aged 38 and it really crystallized in her mind her desire to have a child but no man worth his salt is in sight.

So, the long and the short of it is that my DH made a very loving offer - and completely to do with his love for her and her place in our lives and because we once faced the possibility of not being able to have children of our own - to donate sperm.

My first thoughts were that was incredible of him but she might feel weird about it. She feels that surely I would feel weird about it. She's already like extended family and godparent to ours so I don't feel anything but positive about it. But am I missing something out - that's what's worrying me. Presumably if it gets to that point, they can do an IVF type donation situation - haven't done any research into that yet, and I read some other threads about how the anonymous sperm donation legalities were handled.

Thoughts, input, any adviice please?

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Spidermama · 26/07/2007 13:38

Very, very bad idea IMO. He'll have split loyalty between the mothers of the kids, your friend will have children who are half brothers/sisters to hers .... I think, unless you're going tio all live together in a commune situation, if you want to keep the sanctity of your family, don't do it.

eleusis · 26/07/2007 13:41

What happens when your husbands tweaks this is his child just as much as ones who have you as a mother. Do you want this child to be just as important to him as your kids are.

Really weird offer if you ask me. It could ruin your marriage, let alone the friendship.

Lots and lots of sperm donors out there. Many can be found for free in a club on a saturday night.

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 13:44

God no, no way

I could never countenance dh doing this.

It might seem like a good idea now but the potential for it all to go wrong somewhere down the line is huuuuuuge.

Please reconsider.

FioFio · 26/07/2007 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PinkChick · 26/07/2007 13:47

its a wind up, they havent been back!

TigerFeet · 26/07/2007 13:49

If anyone wants dh's sperm, they have to take the whole package, including moodiness and skinflintocity.

He does make lovely babies though (well just one baby as yet but ykwim)

FioFio · 26/07/2007 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

syd · 26/07/2007 17:17

But would you donate an egg? I would and wanted to except I had a series of miscarriages so by the time I managed to have my two I was 'too old' to do so. That'd be my child out there but I never thought about it like that.

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aloha · 26/07/2007 17:22

Hmmm...is this real?
If so, madness! How will your children feel to know they have a sibling who doesn't live with them? Your dh will be liable for child support for the next 21 years. Do you want that? Do they fancy each other? Suppose she meets Mr Perfect and wants to move to Australia with him?

Original poster

syd · 26/07/2007 22:17

Yep, in theory it is. Am on a different time zone than most of you hence my tardy replies. Like a couple of m'netters pointed out with anonymous donations there's legal stuff put in place regarding legal/financial responsibility and stuff.

We do need to think long and hard about it and all the implications regarding our DC but I'm surprised so many people question DH's motives.Hence my question about egg donation.

I think the point about talking to a professional independently about the 'fall out' and reasons for it and so on is very valid.

Will do some more research into anonymous donation too. Either way I think this is better than a one night stand and how many of us fell pregnant on that one attempt anyway.

We were told we couldn't have children and that was an incredible grief in our lives and especially mine. The fact that we were able to ultimately, despite miscarriages and stuff, was an amazing gift. My sister suffered much illness as a youngster and I would always have been willing to carry a child for her. I'm not some evangelical birth mother - far from it - and why I wanted to ask all of you - but it is something that we would not countenance if we hadn't worked it all through - which obviously we need to do - but equally would not dismiss just because we didn't want to share some sperm despite the inherent life complications.

OP posts:

Pruners · 26/07/2007 22:29

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 26/07/2007 22:37

I'm really surprised at this negative reaction

I think you should both have counselling to go through all the issues that you both/all feel around it, and get legal advice, but apart from that, I think it is a lovely idea and I can understand how you both might want to help her out

morningpaper · 26/07/2007 22:37

You could just get her around once a month with a turkey baster

Pruners · 26/07/2007 22:43

Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 26/07/2007 22:44

Yes Pruners, you are right

It's weird

Why IS that?

sazzybee · 26/07/2007 22:47

I don't think it's at all sleazy and suspect, I just think that it needs to be thought through very carefully from all perspectives - not just you, your DH and your BF but also the child's. There are legal issues as well as emotional ones that would need to be considered.

And yes, it would be done via IUI rather than IVF.

wannaBe · 26/07/2007 22:51

I'm not sure I'd personally feel comfortable with the idea of my dh donating sperm to my best friend, but each to their own imo.

I do agree with mp/pruners in that there is a definite double standard, how many men do you know that would give someone else the chance to have a child? not many I don't think.

Pruners · 26/07/2007 22:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster

syd · 27/07/2007 00:17

Can you imagine if we put it to BF that DH serviced her monthly!

Life has changed. All my girlfriends pre babies bar one are all still single and no sight of a man despite various fraternisations and there's not a hairy wart or jobless victim amongst them. Our DD is 8 and she doesn't even blink if a friend of hers has 2 daddies or daddy lives in a place with an elevator - the latest revelation - and her friend lives elsewhere. It's not that I'm saying that's what I'd want - obviously we're lucky to be happily married and I wouldn't want it any other way for me or our children.

I'm not saying this isn't a challenge, or the answer, but it's an option and I needed to start to think about some of the other complications cos I don't want to get lost in the here and now of the situation BF is facing. And this suggestion has come from us not her. I am coming at it from a place where i couldn't have children but equally I'm not selfless and it has to be okay for us all.

I don't suppose, however much you debate it, you'll ever cover all the situations that might arise, like what our parents might feel about it, but we couldn't ever think about going forward if we hadn't come to a consensus about how it would be handled for all involved.

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