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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How can I make this easier on dd . Any advice anyone?

36 replies

katherinez · 08/07/2007 07:11

Found out over the week end that dh is having an affair. He left last night. He was planning to leave before then anyway its just I caught him out and now know the real reason behind it all.

Anyway, much to my dismay last week he told my soon to be 5 yr old dd that he was moving to a different house and that she would have 2 beds and 2 sets of toys. (Thought he was jumping the gun a bit tbh we are still waiting for counselling at relate.) I only knew he had said anything to her when she mentioned it to me several days later. I asked her if he had said why he was moving out and she just said he said because hes a grown up and its up to him and he can do what he likes. I was worried she might think that because Im a grown up I might do the same. I have tried to reassure her that we will always live together. I guess I would just like ideas of how I can help her through this time. She is 5 in september. She is very bright and has quite an adult head on her young shoulders. She has always been so close to dh. A real daddys girl. I really worry about how this will affect her.TIA

OP posts:

EscapeFrom · 08/07/2007 08:53

I will say to you what my mum had to say to me.

He is an adult.

He has the right to screw up his life royally without interference from you.

Don't infantilise him, or be party to infantilising himself.

Don't be the mother to his child - he is every bit as much the adult as you are - don't let him cop out of that.

He may do as he wishes - but he may NOT lay the blame at another adult's feet for him making choices that everyone is powerless to stop him making.

EscapeFrom · 08/07/2007 08:54

It sounds snippy but I mean it very caringly

Original poster

katherinez · 08/07/2007 09:08

Yeah thanks EF. Your so right. He is such a bloody idiot. He really is.

OP posts:

saladsucks · 08/07/2007 09:31

Katherinez,

My dad left us when I was 8 - so a little older than your DD. My lasting memory is how much my mum cried, how all the family came round and sat down and wondered about how we would cope etc. I remember years of rows about money and how we didn't have any etc. I didn't tell my mum when my shoes were too tight because I didn't want her to worry and have to buy me a new pair.

I think what I am trying to say is that it is very important to reassure your DD that she is loved and that you will look after her but also try to remember to shield her from the practicalities, from the harsh bits and the "grown up stuff". Sometimes with quiet little girls it's easy to forget that they are still in the room listening.

I'm not saying that you would do any of this, I just think that sometimes adults forget how much little people pick up from general conversation.

Hope that helps.

edam · 08/07/2007 09:53

Agree with NN and SS, from the perspective of being the child of divorced parents. She needs to know the factual stuff about where she will live and whether she will still go to the same school, etc. etc. etc. (may seem obvious to you, but when one of your parents has just walked out of your life, nothing is secure any more).

And she needs lots of reassurance that you are not going anywhere, that it's not her fault (even if you don't think she thinks this, children always fear it's because they have been naughty in some way), and that daddy still loves her, however much this last bit may stick in your throat.

Do you have any friends with children who have been through divorce? Might help if they can reassure her that it will be OK. After we took my father to his new house, my mother drove straight to our lovely childminder where she and her kids told us it would be fine, honest. That did help.

Original poster

katherinez · 08/07/2007 10:01

Thanks ss. That is very useful. I know over the past weeks she has been exposed to exactly the kind of situations you describe. I have been finding it so hard I have not really been able to think much about how things have been impacting on my dds. Think I need to try and draw a line under it all now and concentrate on being strong for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

katherinez · 08/07/2007 10:04

Must try to do that Edam. Its hard because I dont know for definate that its over, we are goping through the counselling and deep down I hope we get through this. I guess I need to just be as open as I can about it all, with in reason. And just talk to her lots.

OP posts:

saladsucks · 08/07/2007 10:17

And if it is any help at all, I can see now that we were always better off without my dad around. He was never nasty or anything but just an incredibly selfish man, who was only ever interested in himself.

And my mum remains my best friend in the whole world and it the best grandmother a child could wish for.

There is lots of light at the end of the tunnel, it may just be a long journey.

aimeesmummy · 08/07/2007 22:03

we split last sept and exH movedout just before xmas. the split was my idea but I went to counsellng for a long time before hand to work things out in m head what I was thinking about. We've found that if we're as honest and open as possible with dd, providing her with the facts that relate speficall to her, ie where she's gonna live, when she'll see daddy, then that seems to have worked. Ex was the one, at our agreement, who told dd he was moving out and said that even though mummies and daddies always love their kids, sometimes they're better if they don't live together. aparently she said we'd both be a lot happier! she'd sussed the tension despite there being no arguing.
IMHO, kids like and benefit from routine and order in their lives, and sticking to it (to the point where we never swap weekends) so your dc will probably need to know the basics at the mo but with lots of reassurance.
There are some fantastic books on this for kids which our mediator recommended. I'll sneak into dd's room with a torch and dig them out for the titles if you like?
apologies for crap typing!

zookeeper · 11/07/2007 22:43

aiimeesmummy I would really like the titles of the books as going through the same thing

chikenmother · 11/07/2007 23:03

Hi Katherinez, I am a single mom with 3 kids for 6 years now. When my husband left my children were 6, 8 and 11. That has been very difficult times, with very difficult decisions and lots of emocional disturbance. The very important thing is that my children know for sure that I will not leave them NEVER. They learnt too that their father did some terrible mistakes but the worst of all was to believe he coud do what he likes because he´s a grown-up person. I mean - sdults who care don´t think about themselves first when they have kids. So I tild my kids I would never ever leave them no matter what because my love for them is greater than my eventual need of freedom.

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