Should I tell my ex about the baby?

[Loki2019]

Hi, new to the forum and still trying to get my head around my situation. Any advice will be appreciated.

I had a miscarriage in November, my relationship with my ex broke down afterwards and he dumped me just before Christmas. I blamed myself and the post mc emotions for the break up but after we split certain things came to light..for example he was cheating on me with an engaged co worker, he had spent hundreds on online cam girl porn, he had saved images of indecent young, anime type girls, he had many online dating profiles..the list goes on but it helped me realise that I wasn’t the problem in the relationship - with that many lies hidden it was doomed from the start.

From then he moved out and I contacted him to arrange collecting his belongings. I wanted a fresh start for 2019. The meeting to collect his things got very heated after he brought half his family with them, I was verbally abused and left threatening messages and they barged their way into the house to take belongings that weren’t his. The meeting ended in me calling the police and filing a report against my ex and his family.

I thought that was the end of everything until I found out a few weeks later that I was pregnant and had been since early December. Amazingly despite all the stress over the new year the baby is doing well and I’m almost at 12 weeks.

I took time to decide what to do and I couldn’t bring myself to have a termination despite the likelihood that I will be raising this baby alone. I’m happy and looking forward to meeting my little one but the only thing stopping me from enjoying this pregnancy is worrying about my ex.

Should I tell him given his abusive nature and questionable online activity? Will my baby be safe with him and his intimidating family? Am I better off saying nothing to protect the baby? If you feel I should tell him, how? We are no longer in contact and the last I heard of him he is getting with his co worker. I don’t want to be told I am just stirring up trouble for him. I just want to do the right thing for my baby.

I wouldn't say anything for now. Enjoy your pregnancy and take this time to prepare yourself for your new chapter. Once baby has arrived and registered (do not put him on the BC - has been my biggest regret giving a no-show man PR to my child).
Then tell him. Expect it all to kick off, but just maintain you made the decision for have a drama free pregnancy and get your head around things. His behaviour has forced you to take the space you need.
Eventually I would tell him, for your child's sake. My DS is nearly 5 and regularly asks about his dad now. It makes me sad as he has made no effort but I am always honest with him. The other day he asked me his name which shocked me a little. I feel hiding things from my child will make him grow up with mixed feelings and resentment, I want him to know that Mom has done her best and he can ask me or come to me for anything.
I would strongly keep him off the birth certificate though, and that is simply registering the baby without him present. That gives you 100% PR and he will need to take you to court etc to change it

I don't normally comment on issues like this, but having read your post I felt compelled to say don't tell him. Him and family sound like they will create trouble for you indefinitely. Good luck.

Thank you to everyone who has posted a reply, it really is appreciated. I agree with the advice that I need to try and enjoy this pregnancy and worry about him after the baby is here.

I always believed women should inform the father when pregnant, but after reading your post I do think you should not. He doesn’t sound like he could add any benefit other than money, and your child will benefit more without it and him. I in your circumstances would state father unknown and explain the decision once child is old enough to understand. Good luck op and congrats

No, don’t tell him. It is already difficult enough to raise a child on your own without having to worry about what is the next nasty thing the always nasty now dad will play on an innocent child.

Good positive contact with both parents is essential and encouraged, but getting a horrible person meddling with your kid’s emotional and physical wellbeing just because he donated the sperm is NOT.

Lots of children grow up without a father in their life, some of them because their dad could only bring misery to them. Don’t let society expectations and armchair devised rules blind your sight, your child comes first not their dad and if their dad is not a good role model for them and violent towards you, they are much better off thinking they were conceived by sperm donor.

I wouldn’t tell him. Is this the kind of man your child needs in their life?

"he was abusive to you but a lot of abusive men aren’t so to their children" source? Certainly that's not been my experience!

"That doesnt necessarily make him a bad person." An aggressive, abusive, cheating possible paedo isn't a bad person? Fuck your standards are low!

I wouldn't tell him. He sounds way more trouble than any amount of child maintenance is worth.

Congratulations

worry about him after the baby is here.
You might want to stop yourself from texting/calling/sending pictures after the birth, as you'll have a lot of hormonal changes and may emotionally want to share this with him. Give yourself a few months to think it through. My friend has to hand over her children every weekend to her emotionally abusive ex, who has dragged her throughout the courts with his stream of lies. My ex has caused us nothing but grief.

Please do consider this carefully. Children benefit from a good father, but gain nothing from a rubbish one!

Thanks for the replies so far. The latest I know of the father is that he has checked in to a hotel with the engaged co worker he was cheating on me with..he has moved on very fast. I’m worried that if I say anything I will just get called a psycho that wants to ruin their relationship. Has anyone here told an ex after the baby was born? I honestly don’t know what to do for the best. Most of my family think I shouldn’t tell him, I have one friend who thinks I should. Very conflicted and feeling pretty down which is not what pregnancy should be about.

What would you hope to happen if you told him?

What is realistically most likely to happen if you told him?

I think a child has the right to know who his father is and to have the opportunity to have a relationhsip with his father.
I also think that a child has the right to a calm childhood, one that is free of threats and/or abuse.

Which one of those shouod take precedence depends very much of how bad your ex and his family could be. And you are the one who knows him and is in the best place to judge how hard he is or isn’t going to make your life.
FWIW I wouldnt tel him until the baby is here and you can do a paternity test. I would assume his first reaction wouod be to ask you to prove he is the father. With very good reasons. So until then, I wouodnt want to stir shit for the sake of it. That is if you decide to tell him.

I wouldn't tell him during your pregnancy if you think he will be abusive or controlling. But if you both live locally and you have family and friends who know, it could get back to him anyway. I think it's better to tell him than risk him finding out and then accuse you of trying to keep his child from him.

Maybe wait till after your 20 week check, when he can't try to make you get an abortion. And try to keep contact brief and fact based, and don't hesitate to report him, his family or his partner if they try to harass you.

Personally if I were you, I wouldn't tell him.
I think in best interest of you and your baby, it's better him not knowing and you being able to get on with your life without his hassle or his family for that matter.

your child will never forgive you for denying them a father, at least if you give them the opportunity & he's an arse your child knows you at least tried & won't resent you for it.

I agree entirely with Graphista

“Men who are abusive towards their partners often aren’t abusive towards their children .”
Fuck off with that bullshit.
I would say the vast majority of men who abuse their partners are abusive in some way shape or form indirectly or directly to the children.
He’s already been abusive to this unborn child by abusing its mother.

I would never tell him if at all possible. I would prefer not to know who may father was than be saddled with someone like him he sounds hideous and not at all a good role model

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I think that for the sake of the child you do need to tell him but if you feel it will be negative to your health why don't you see a lawyer so you know all your rights before you do?

It sounds like you're definitely going ahead with the pregnancy. Have you tried to put yourself in your child's position? Actually thinking about questions such as "how might I feel if my mum knew who my dad was, and didn't tell me?" and "how might I feel if my mum knew that my dad was a horrible person, didn't want anything to do with him herself, but sent me to stay with him for weekends / holidays / birthdays / Christmases?"
Whichever road you take, your child will ask about their father, and you can't ensure that they never find out about each other.

It’s a really tough call. Ideally you wouldn’t want anything to do with this man or his family, but by deciding to keep his baby you either have to have the hassle of him and his family in your baby’s, and for a long while in your, life. The other option is to deceive him and not give him the opportunity to know his child and to have to lie to your child about their father and why he isn’t in their life. Either way it’s not good.

For now try and enjoy your pregnancy. Once the baby has arrived you can make your decision. If you do decide to tell him though do it after you register the baby and give the little one your surname. Whatever you do do not put him on the birth certificate.

Don't tell him.

If they see you and question the dates, then lie.

You and your baby don't need that stress in your life, week after week, for the NEXT 18 years. MINIMUM.

Pregnancy isn't surely the idyllic state it's presented as in the media. Don't put pressure on yourself to have a great pregnancy. Instead, maybe try to create nice experiences for yourself? A relaxing walk in the park, cups of tea and chats with friends....simple things. Take a food friend shopping when you go to buy baby things. If he was around it would be hell, so you're MUCH better without him.

People will tell you that you owe your child a father, etc. but they haven't seen a mother in bits as she to send her children to an uncaring, untrustworthy father for their weekend, who will drag her through the courts if she stops contact. They haven't seen the children crying because they don't want to go, but she is forced to send them. Or the manipulative, abusive calls and texts she endures, as she has to keep in contact with him.

Please, please don't allow yourself to tell him due to emotions. You'll have this precious baby and want to share the joy with his/her father, but it will only bring you pain.

I personally think you should let him know and give him the option of being a father to your baby. I appreciate he was a terrible partner but that doesn't guarantee a parent.

Fuck no, op. Dont tell him. That family is not in the best interest of your child. Make a note of his information so your child can find him at some point in the future, should they wish to.

Breastfeedingmama
The thing is, once you've told him, there's no going back. If he's a negative influence in both of their lives, it's too late. He can insist on contact. Then she's got 18 years of it, as does the poor child.

I wouldn’t tell him! Move on with your life. Enjoy your life.
I’m speaking as someone who doesn’t know who her father is. I’m a perfectly well balanced individual with a blank space on my birth certificate and it’s never affected me one bit.

I don’t believe abusive men can be good fathers. I think having a child with an abusive man will make your life hell. Let him go. You and your child will be fine xx