KIds wanting to live with Dad. Breaking my heart. Can I stop this.

[Gaynor0000]

Hi. I’m new on here but would really like to hear if anyone has been in the same situation as me. My kids are son of 13 daughter Is 10. Me and their dad do not communicate. But he has text saying he wants the kids to live with him. The kids are confused. He shouldn’t have told them they could because now they are considering moving in with him. I am saying I will not allow it. I am aware my son at 13 has a choice but my daughter is only 10 and I feel she needs to be with her mum. I am literally beside myself with worry and I don’t know how to handle the situation. My ex is arranging mediation to discuss it. But I’m even scared of going to that. Please if anyone has experience of something similar

I think ultimately it depends what this is about my niece went to live with her dad because she could do whatever she wanted.

I also have a friend whose ex was a narc and he constantly bad mouthed mum .
I also know someone who went to live with dad and she was a pretty dire mum.

So as you can see the reason behind it would suggest which way I jump.

However I do agree with pp. you need to stop 4 nights a week till this is sorted as you are not rp

The default custody situation is shared - obviously there's reasons why that cannot happen but it sounds like you already share custody as they frequently stay with him. Perhaps it's about money - eg child benefit goes to the parent with the most nights? Go to mediation with an open mind, but try to talk first, you say you don't but for the sake of your children this could sort out the best options and a future where the children aren't pawns

When it comes to maintainence it's nights that count. He could have the arrangement changed.

I actually don't think going back to 2 nights a week is a good idea. It's likely to only make them want to live their more.

And what would be the reasoning? You can't stay at your days anymore than 2 days anymore because.......

Unfortunatly, you are both parents. You have no more right than him. It's about what's best for the kids. You need a really good argument to stop what's been regular contact.

Honestly I don't think the decision should be just based on what the kids want. Not many kids love doing their homework or brushing their teeth or filling out the school reading journal or any number of other things that responsible parents make kids do. If they don't go to their Dads house until 8pm at night hes clearly not the person who is managing all the boring parenting daily grind. From the kids perspective it could be that they want to live there because in their minds none of boring shit happens there. Unfortunately though, it's the boring bits that, in the end, brings them up as educated, well rounded individuals. OP, think about this and at mediation find out what responsibility he is willing to take on? Doctors visits? Dentist? Hobbies? Homework? Parents evening? etc

Would you consider 50/50 shared care?
(How often do they stay with him for 4 or 5 tines s week?)

Sorry you seemed to have answered the 4 or 5 times a week thing.

Go to mediation and find out what his proposed solution is. (8pm to 8am counts as an overnight for child maintenance purposes but I'd expect a resident parent to collect the children in the afternoon or drop them off in the morning )

Thanks Karen. This is my point that I’m boring mum dicspling then at home and he does all the fun stuff. And I also don’t think the decision should be with the kids. This is his arguement. He thinks we should sit down me, him and the kids to discuss it. But I think that is wrong. It’s too much pressure on the children. And I like you think it should be the adults decision. I would take there option into account but the final decision should be with the parents.

I would consider joint custody, but I don’t think this is what he has in mind. If we can’t agree at mediation I will put forward joint custody

I’m so sorry you’re in this position, I can’t imagine how you feel.
I think that both of your children are too young to make such important choices and perhaps mediation will shift the emphasis and recognition of the importance of these decisions so that the best outcome for the children is achieved.
I’ve noticed that you are posting under two names within this thread, so you might want to amend this.

Thanks italia2005. I changed my name coz I didn’t want my real name on here but can’t work out how to remove it. Never mind!
Thanks for your view. I also think they are too young to make this decision. I really appreciate other people’s opinions. Some people think they are old enough to decide but I don’t. I don’t think they fully understand the implications of it. I am going to do my best to stop it and if I can’t maybe it will have to be with a 3 month trial or joint custody. It’s so hard to know what is the right way to deal with it.

It's very interesting that people here keep saying it's not up the children. Basically you're all saying the mother should decide.

If your kids said they want to live with mom and your ex said it doesn't matter what the kids say....would you agree? Or would you say their opinion matters?

How old should they be to be heard then? 15? 17?

12 is actually the official age when they have a choice

However their wishes can be taken into account before then.

Given that you have been ok, with him having them so much recently it's hard for you to dispute he shouldn't have them the majority of the time.

Your son is 13 years old. That means he is old enough to decide. If you say he's not old enough then how old should he be? If he said he wants to live with you would you say "oh you're too old to make that kind of decision"? Of course not.

"too young to make that decision" I meant to say.

So what did you do? Any update on this?

Is your son still living with you?