First day at school and dealing with EA ex

[Hullabalooo]

My DC starts school in September and my EA ex wants to be there on the day too. Of course he has every right to be there but I'm so scared of him I'm already dreading it and it's still months away.

Has anyone had to do this? Any solutions or what to do about managing the situation? I don't want my child's first day at school to be ruined for me by having to see his dad. Of course I could just not speak to him etc but his presence is enough to make me feel petrified and shaky. Dc wouldn't be aware of it as there wouldn't be any shouting or anything just an air of quiet menace towards me.

Quick backstory - I left a year ago because of his EA controlling and manipulative behaviour amongst other delightful things.

Please be kind.

Just collected DC from school and they've given me a letter to say they aren't doing half day starts but going straight into full days in September.

The first day would be a date that ex would usually have him. So to be there on the first day I would need to go to school and meet them there. Rather than taking him myself. I guess that means i don't get to see him om his first day. Sob*

Does your ex have him that night too or does he usually return him later that day?
If so I would say you'll pick him up when he finishes school as having a first full day, then going to one home then another before bed and school again will probably be too much.
DD was one of the oldest in her year and she was exhausted and wanted to crash on the sofa when she got home most of the first term!

No he has him the night before so will be taking him to school. I'll collect him from school that day.

The pick ups more important than the drop off IMO. You can talk about what they did and how the day went, the drop off is just getting them ready and walking them to the classroom.

Thanks @runningbean I'm just (apart from feeling sad myself) worrying about the transition for my dc as I'm the primary carer and dc spends far more time with me so thinking about me not being there too settle him in

Meeting him at the gates to see him to the classroom might be the best solution then if contact isn't 50/50 for him to settle as easily for his dad.

There will be lots of other days where you end up having to go at the same time (school plays, parents evenings, sports days etc) so it would make sense to just start that now rather than missing the first drop off then having to attend something else together anyway.

Maybe I'll have to just do that and like you say get used to it. Wishing life were different.

Hopefully things will get easier as your DS gets older and more independent, its hard being away from them when they're young still.

Once you've had situations like this a few times you'll know how it will go and it hopefully won't be as stressful leading up to it too.

Thanks. Yes maybe one day. I've never met such a skilled manipulator so maybe not either.

Well it's tomorrow and have spent months stressing about it. Had a horrible shouty handover just now because I want to meet him by school gates tomorrow too which he was cross about. Ex acted like he was doing me a favour by 'letting me come'.

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all now. Feels like such a big day for DC and so stressful.

How did it go? I'm separated from exh for 5 years and still get anxious at stuff like this. I've done counselling and mindfulness but nothing seems to get rid of it.

I did it but didn't speak to him other than a couple of words. I knew lots of mums there so spoke to them. Was really frazzled though as didn't sleep the night before due to stress. I took a valium in the end. I find him so repellent I couldn't even stand close to him. I went to work and cried in the loos afterwards because of it.

I've started going to a short group on trauma for women only to help deal with my reactions to it.