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Original poster

Ex routinely neglects our children - what can I do about it??

43 replies

PhoenixRising85 · 25/11/2017 21:20

Hi everyone,

So it's been a while since I've posted. I'm hoping that someone can help me. Help my daughters really.

Long story short: my violent, abusive, narcissistic ex bullied me into a Child Arrangements Order back in 2015 for contact arrangements for our two daughters.

I have an ongoing and growing list of evidence that at best he's still his old lazy self and missed the memo on how parenting is done; at worst - flat out neglect of our daughters, verging on abuse.

He has them alternate weekends. Our daughters are subjected to the following and I don't think I know about it all:

lack of adult supervision - he sleeps pretty much the whole time they are there
malnutrition - he feeds them when he feels like it. When he does feel like it; it's fast food or just utter crap.
poor hygiene - they don't get bathed, showered or even washed - both the girls hair hadn't been brushed over the last visit - the youngest was still wearing the same hairband she'd been wearing when he picked her up and I had to spend the best part of two hours cleaning them and deep conditioning their hair (I've taken pics).
no activities/time out of his flat
late dropping them back more and more frequently
really late bedtimes - my eldest doesn't get to bed before midnight most of the time - again: due to his neglect
racist comments - I'm black, he's white and on top of being a narcissist he is also racist - in his bids to get at me (he's still pissed because he no longer has control of me), he's dissing half of them; often with comments about their hair (they totally get that from me); and also t
co-sleeping with the youngest in particular - she's started wearing pants in bed (I've put a stop to this but the fact that she wants to is raising alarm bells)
derogatory comments about my husband to be - the girls' future stepdad who they adore.

This is just a few of the things I know about. He deliberately doesn't engage in proactive parental discussion with me on any topic. He also makes sure I can't contact them on his weekends, so they literally have no protection.

I've not spent a weekend worrying about them and never has he returned them without walking proof that I'm right to worry. Unless his Mum comes to spend time with the girls - she looks after them while he does nothing and this appears to now be the only time the girls aren't dreading going to his.

What can I do? He made for damn certain he kept me in line with this court order and I really don't know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 25/11/2017 22:14

becotide thank you!

OK: so that's potentially reassuring on the pants front. The last thing I want to do is go for the jugular or accuse him of anything he's not doing. But in the sea of everything he is doing, I can't totally rule it out, ya know?

How did you handle it becotide? I feel like I'm going insane!

OP posts:
becotide · 25/11/2017 22:42

I ... don't really handle it. I refused to handle it. I let the contact centre handle it and luckily he could never do anything too dreadful there. He assaulted my older child there once but I did get told about that by the staff and they 'advised' him that if they witnessed any further behaviour like that the police would be called. That was when ds1 stopped going.

God I used to have to sit on my hands so as not to scream at my ex down the phone.

It really did only get better when I stopped sending them, because even though I never got a break, at least I never had to worry about what my ex was doing to them, or not doing with them.

Remember you can't be a dad for him. He either steps up or he doesn't.

Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 26/11/2017 13:47

I hear you. Here we go. Phoning the NSPCC a little later when the girls are in bed and SS tomorrow when they're at school; see what I can sort. Thanks again.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 26/11/2017 17:42

good luck.

Justoneme · 26/11/2017 17:47

First of all you need to have a frank and honest conversation with him.

RandomMess · 26/11/2017 17:55

@Justoneme how on earth can op have an open honest frank conversation with a violent abusive ex who could well be violent to her DC if she says anything!!!

Justoneme · 26/11/2017 18:09

Once again we are just hearing one side of the story ... you have to go through the motions the court will expect it.

Of course you could just stop the visits and report to social services end of story.

bringbacksideburns · 26/11/2017 18:15

Good luck with your call to D'S in the morning OP.
Hopefully a SW will speak to your children.
I'd go for supervised contact if he's abusive.
Let him go to court and as Goblet said, you have a long list of stuff there to use.

LoveProsecco · 26/11/2017 18:23

You have great advice. Good luck

Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 26/11/2017 20:50

Justoneme - just to reiterate he deliberately doesn't engage in proactive parental discussion with me on any topic. That frank, honest discussion has been attempted on several occasions.

Everyone else: thank you for all the advice. I'll keep ya'll posted. Having spoken to a really helpful advisor at the NSPCC just now, there's a lot pointing toward stopping the overnight stays in particular and if it's that big of an issue, he has the right to take me to court. At which point, they'll be set straight on why. My best friend has a social worker sister as well. We're speaking tomorrow.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/11/2017 21:22

Flowers good luck, I've witnessed parental alienation first hand, false reporting to SS of step dad abuse, and emotionally abusive NRPs - obviously all different families. There are an awful lot of unwell people who do use their DC and it's horrific how powerless you feel.

RafikiIsTheBest · 26/11/2017 22:35

When you say
> co-sleeping with the youngest in particular - she's started wearing pants in bed (I've put a stop to this but the fact that she wants to is raising alarm bells)
what do you mean by you put a stop to it? The co-sleeping or the wearing pants? I'm not sure how you could put an end to co-sleeping when you're not there and believe DD is doing whatever her father tells her, and not sure why you would prevent her wearing pants to bed???

Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 26/11/2017 23:28

When you say

co-sleeping with the youngest in particular - she's started wearing pants in bed (I've put a stop to this but the fact that she wants to is raising alarm bells)
what do you mean by you put a stop to it? The co-sleeping or the wearing pants? I'm not sure how you could put an end to co-sleeping when you're not there and believe DD is doing whatever her father tells her, and not sure why you would prevent her wearing pants to bed???

Hmmm. I'm honestly trying to figure out which part of what you just said is a question I can answer. I mean you seem to answer your own questions with the obvious remarks about how I can't stop the co-sleeping because I'm not there.
Your comment about why I'd stop her wearing pants in bed has ??? but doesn't really appear to be a question, more a judgement. Without going into the finer points, there are several reasons why wearing pants in bed is bad for children (and adults). Ask google.
Before the co-sleeping: this was NOT something she did.

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 27/11/2017 09:17

So the SS say they can't intervene or contact him to stop contact. NSPCC say seek legal advice. School: I'm sitting with the deputy head tomorrow to talk safeguarding. Not sure how that will help. Basically I'm being told there's not much I can do on the basis that they live with me and only see him 4 days a month.... what now??

OP posts:
SweetEnough · 30/11/2017 11:11

My dd started wearing pants to bed when wearing a nightdress about that age, just because she was becoming self aware. In regards to stopping her because of the dangers! To be honest there are worse things in life than wearing pants to bed.

My dd's go to their dad's more than yours and, they don't go out often, they don't go to bed early, they eat crap (at least they are eating) and they don't have baths at his. It does not bother me because I know he loves them and has a different attitude to life than me.

The only thing that concerns me with what you've said is the sleeping, but I presume at 5 and 8 they're unlikely to do anything too dangerous and he is there to be woken if anything goes wrong. It's not ideal but not a lot you can do.

Social services won't get involved as it's a difference in standards not outright abuse or neglect. They see a lot worse.

My only suggestion is that you teach them to wash themselves daily and how brush their own hair or to help each other. I also give mine a bath the day they leave and the day they come home.

As for the racist remarks and comments about your dp, you need to teach them he's wrong and that's not nice. Other people have opinions, no matter how wrong or different to ours and we can't expect to change them but we can enlighten or ignore them.

It sucks I know, but you can't really stop any of it, you just have to manage it your end.

BertrandRussell · 30/11/2017 11:21

It is actually quite common to wear pants to bed. I know plenty of people both adult and children who do.

Original poster
PhoenixRising85 · 04/12/2017 19:58

Thanks everyone. I have an appointment with a solicitor this Thursday afternoon.. the weekend contact was stopped this weekend just gone.

  • malnutrition, begging, stealing or hoarding food
  • poor hygiene, matted hair, dirty skin or body odour
  • comments from a child that no one is home to provide care
  • being constantly tired
  • inappropriate clothing, especially inadequate clothing in winter
frequent illness, infections or sores
  • being left unsupervised for long periods.

^ If there's anyone that still doubts anything I've said equates to neglect or abuse, I notice there have been a few comments that suggest I'm over-reacting, the above is a basic definition.

If any or all of you ever find any of the above happening to your children: it IS neglect/abuse and it is NOT ok and it doesn't matter if it happens 4 days a month or ever. I'll keep you all posted.

Thank you for your support!

OP posts:
LoveProsecco · 05/12/2017 20:04

Good luck for Thursday Thanks

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