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38 replies

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 18:12

Hi everyone.I've posted about this on another thread but was hoping some more of you would offer advice if I started another. I had my son in December and he's 4 months old. His father and I were never a couple but I tried my hardest to keep things amicable for DS sake. However, when he was 5 weeks old his father decided to come and pick him up with a car full of his friends (they are all 19 years) and I said no. Since then I have been bombarded with threats that he is going to get him off me so I had to get a solicitor. She proposed that he have contact once a week for 3 hours, as DS is so young, his solicitor however proposed every wednesday OVERNIGHT and for 10 hours every sunday. This week I've been told if I dont give him that much contact, I am being taken to court. Its so upsetting and has ruined DS first months for me. I'm on tablets for all the stress because I believe its best for my son to be in his own home, where he feels safe and the surroundings are familiar, in the comfort of his routine with his mummy at 4 months old. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be great x

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Judy1234 · 08/04/2007 19:54

Do you have any reason to suppose he won't look after his son though? Why shouldn't a father see his child over night and a mother can? It just seems very unfair to me. If you were married to his father you might be away on business trips and his father have him alone over night. Plenty of fathers do that all the time with their babies. They don't usually harm them. And you're not breastfeeding. I breastfed for a year and being apart at night would have been hard for that reason for me but here there isn't that issue.

EllieKthePA · 08/04/2007 19:57

but a father living at home would've spent 4 months living with his son and learning how to care for him Xenia, and would not be taking away from his familiar environment to do it.

gigglinggoblin · 08/04/2007 20:00

but you cant argue that ellie, the only reason his dads house isnt familiar is because he hasnt been there because choccy hasnt allowed him to be there. eventually he will get overnight and it would be easier for ds if the house was familiar, but it wont not be awarded cos he hasnt stayed there before

EllieKthePA · 08/04/2007 20:10

i know that gg and i never stopped my ex having ds overnight, as soon as he felt ready then i agreed, but if choccy doesn't feel comfortable leaving him overnight yet is it unreasonable to ask him to spend more time with the baby first, to allow him to get used to his father and the house before staying overnight?

EllieKthePA · 08/04/2007 20:12

i guess i'm just lucky that we agreed on doing what was best for ds, and that ex is sensible enough to realise that he wasn't up to caring for a baby overnight, he actually admitted he wouldn't know what to do

gigglinggoblin · 08/04/2007 20:29

of course its not unreasonable to wait til they know each other better, im just saying its not an argument that will stand up for long. and you only have to look on here to see how many people need parenting advice, we all have to learn

choccybickie · 08/04/2007 21:29

It must have been the other thread I said this but when things were amicable, I stayed at the father's house with ds. I asked him to do one nighttime feed for me, and he refused saying it was my job. On another occasion he fell asleep whilst feeding him and he almost choked. Can anyone blame me for being slightly wary of him staying overnight?

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Judy1234 · 08/04/2007 22:46

No, cb, I don't blame you if that happened. It would be more sensible if he just had a few longer periods in days may be whilst his mother is around too. He'd probably then realise how hard work it is anyway and not want so much time. Why not compromise on a Sunday at first for say 2 months and see how it goes nad make it for the first few weeks less than 10 hours - say 5 to start with.

choccybickie · 09/04/2007 08:05

Of course I'm very willing to compromise with him on this if he had given me that option. The letter i received from his solicitor this week stated I give him all the hours he wants or he's taking me to court. I didnt say before, although it is a slight comfort that his mother will be there, she is an alcoholic, which shouldnt be relevant but I guess it is since he still lives at home. When I took him there on christmas day she was incoherent and stil thought i would allow her to pick my 3 week old son up and carry him around. I just dont know what to do, I have not told my solicitor this as it should be an issue only between myself and the father but she texts me and gets involved

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colditz · 09/04/2007 08:09

Your soliciter is on YOUR side, choccy, but you really do need to tell her everything. She certainly needs to be aware that someone in the house drinks too much.

Judy1234 · 09/04/2007 12:23

If she is a proven alcoholic then not wise she is holding the baby. His lawyers will have put their most extreme request and it's perfectly normal that you come back with something in the middle to compromise on. They will be expecting it. It won't be all or nothing so I'd write back and if his mother is always drunk is there any other member of his family you'd trust to have there with him to start with. My 18 year old son is very responsible and sensible and could be trusted with any small baby and has loads of experience with babies so I don't think this is just an age issue. It depends on the boy.

Tinkerbel5 · 09/04/2007 16:06

choccy the other solicitor is propsing what you should do, it doesnt mean its what you HAVE to do, that is what a court would decide. I seriously think that your ex should get to know your child before you hand him over for an overnighter, if you dont feel comfortable with it then dont do it, the court will soon see through him if he is only using your son to get to you rather than having contact because he really wants too.

If the mother really wanted to see her grandson she would walk over hot coals to see him no matter where he was, so it seems very likely she is pulling your ex's strings and dictating what access SHE wants.

Good Luck at the solicitors x

choccybickie · 11/04/2007 17:23

No I agree it has nothing to do with his age. There is no one I would properly trust in their house unfortunately. His dad regularly breaks his mums nose and I was witness to one of their fights on xmas day, not a stable environment for my son to be spending any great amount of time in

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