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Original poster

Dd (3) said father touched her. Social services said its okay for her to resume contact

52 replies

Gillacuddy1 · 15/03/2017 19:17

A few months ago, my dd said that her father touched her. The words she said were not something that I've heard her say before and when I relayed it back to her she said "I was only joking" trying to brush it off (she's only 3) she also said something in school too. So I contacted the doctors and her school who then got in contact with the child protection team. I took her 2 days later to have an examination on which she completely lost her mind and we were not able to do it. I didn't hear anything from the social services for 2 weeks and it was left with me that my dd cannot see dad or his family. The social worker then changed to another one and I met with this one on 2 occasions. On the second one she stated that because the examination didn't take place there was no evidence so the police had shut down the case. She said what would happen next was for her to speak to dd inside school and assess from there. This was a month ago and I had no correspondance, until yesterday. Social worker had spoken to father and his mother a few weeks ago and has decided that contact should be allowed back again with him being supervised (by his mother). Obviously I was not happy as I truly do not believe this has been taken seriously and I told this to social worker who said "well, what did YOU want to happen then" I said that I didn't believe any protocol had happened as she hasn't seen daughter to which she replied "well actually I saw her a few weeks ago" which she never informed me of. I'm at wits ends and I don't know what to do. Do I let dd see dad? My relationship with the side has never been easy and I'm scared of how to go further with this. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Badhairday1001 · 19/03/2017 14:17

Phone the NSPCC helpline today. They are better than social services, more money and more resources. They will advise you about what to do next. I absolutely would not allow contact unless it was at a contact centre at this stage because something has happened.

Badhairday1001 · 19/03/2017 14:19

I'm a teacher and have quite a bit of experience with child protection and social services. We use NSPCC often as they are really good.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 22/03/2017 02:34

Have you considered the police?

DianaT1969 · 22/03/2017 02:59

Ignore the solicitor's letter. That isn't a court order. Anyone with £50 can have a solicitor send a letter. It is meaningless.
Don't let him see her. I hope the NSPCC can give you a way forward.

TJDetweiler · 22/03/2017 15:45

Like everyone else has said, just ignore the letter. You don't have to give contact until a judge says you do and I doubt he'll find one that will. I can't believe with the evidence you do have (the tantrums, complaining of soreness, bedwetting and her literally disclosing the abuse) that they have advised you can give contact.

There's a good chance your MIL would never accept her son could do something so evil and would not supervise properly, if at all.

NarcsBegone · 22/03/2017 16:13

The solicitors are acting on behalf of the father and want to scare you into reinstating contact. He will have to apply to the courts for anything to be enforced. Get yourself a good solicitor to reply to the letter. My strong advice is to have a barrister representing you on the day in court (expensive but worth it).

moonlightmile · 22/03/2017 16:22

If you genuinely believe he is sexually abusing her, there is no way you should allow contact. He can't see her unless the courts give him permission, which they definitely won't if there's evidence of abuse.

QuiteLikely5 · 22/03/2017 16:23

Big mistake not getting the examination done!!! I cant understand why the police did not interview your child!

judges work on facts/proof and probability/likelihood so god knows what he will conclude without any evidence

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 22/03/2017 16:28

So because a child is too distressed and cannot have an examination SS are prepared to allow her contact with her so called father again? It's disgusting. OP you have to what is best for your child, not what anyone else says. FWIW I have a 3 year old DD and words like that wouldn't even occur to her. I'm so sorry for your poor wee lass but she has you in her corner, she'll be ok xxx

Toobloodytired · 23/03/2017 17:12

DONT IGNORE THE LETTER.

Reply but state reasons why, at least when he takes it to court, it won't go against you if you reply to the letter.

KarmaNoMore · 24/03/2017 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toobloodytired · 24/03/2017 17:22

I just worry for op's sake that if she ignores anything, it'll go in her exes favour.

I worry unsupervised access will be granted to him!

SS have clearly failed in their job on this occasion

KarmaNoMore · 24/03/2017 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 25/03/2017 03:24

OP this is awful for you both. Great advice here. Have you any update?

RelentlesslyPositive · 25/03/2017 03:47

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this!

You don't have to allow contact. Your duty as a protective parent is to do what you think best for your child. Nobody can order contact except a judge in Family Court.

Social Services have no legal right to instruct you to allow contact, and a solicitor certainly can't make you allow it. They can recommend contact, and they can ask you to think about it, but they are not able to order you to make it happen.

Please try posting on the legal board. There are some legally trained people there who can help.

It's so tragic that you have been through this yourself and are now facing the same thing possibly happening to your daughter. It must be so hard for you! Is there anybody you can talk to about this? (I'm thinking trained counsellors, Listening Post etc.) You need to stay strong, and it sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now.

bimbobaggins · 28/03/2017 18:42

I'm sorry that you are going through this but was this investigated by the police? I have rtft but I don't seem to see it.

TJDetweiler · 28/03/2017 19:45

Bimbo the police dropped the case because the OPs DD was too distressed to have an examination.

DaisyBlameless · 28/03/2017 19:52

Absolutely awful that the police dropped it. I would call them again to raise a formal complaint.

No 3 yo makes that up.

MadamePomfrey · 28/03/2017 20:01

You need your own legal advice! Also charities such as
young minds

nspcc

mosac

Can offer help and support for you in how the case is being handled and what steps you can\should take. They also have helplines for parents so you have people to talk to and advice you. I hope that helps Flowers

TitaniasCloset · 28/03/2017 20:09

Dear God above this is horrific.

Do not alow contact fight the bastard all the way. The fucking social worker is worse than useless.

She has said as clearly as a three year old can that she is being abused. Her behavior is better without him in her life. What more do these fuckwits want??? Do not start to doubt yourself op.

All my love and I'm so so sorry. Flowers

TitaniasCloset · 28/03/2017 20:09

Nspc is good.

bimbobaggins · 28/03/2017 21:23

Thanks tj,I just couldn't see it but I see it now.
Awful situation op and I would fight it all the way.

Starlight2345 · 28/03/2017 21:28

I am sorry you and your DD are going through this..

I also advise you post on legal..

Lagirafe · 28/03/2017 21:44

Very sorry you are going through this. You should be able to raise your concerns again with your social worker's manager? Make it clear you are not going away.

Sunflowersmiling · 01/04/2017 07:23

Oh bless you....I'm so angry with the system in situations like this. You need professional help and you've been let down badly.

  1. Get a solicitor if you haven't already
  1. Write eveything down...dates times. What DS has said word for word. This is crucial. When I read what your DD said, there's no doubt.
  1. Of course she freaked out at a physical exam ...shes being sexually abused! Oh what is with the world. How bigger sign do you need?
  1. I would find it hard not to respond with emotion. ..but you must try. His solicitors will try n make you look like you are disrupting his contact for no good reason (after all you have no INDEPENDENT evidence). Thats what hes paying them to do...don't take it to heart...its all bullshit. I would writ word for word what she said and send it to the solicitors. Let them see what they are defending.

'Thank you for your letter...the issue is not resolved and I believe he is a severe risk to DD welfare...evidenced by her dislosure to me on date that he is sexually abusing her and penetrating her vaginally with his fingers while in his care. It is not my intention to disrupt contact however given i have grave concerns that our 3 year old DD is being sexually abused by your client, and is unable to defend herself, I would be agreeable to a contact centre where I can be assured of her safety....etc. I am pursing a formal complaint against the SW who suggested reinstating contact but only in a supervised way, which by itself is an admission of risk acknowledged, and then closed the case without further assessment. In addition our DD has said she "does not like daddy" and when asked why she responded " because he puts his fingers inside me... etc " (word for word). And I am very concerned for her emotional welfare being put at risk.

Be really careful to only state truth at all times...any slight exaggeration will be picked up on.
Find out about safe contact optons in your area. ..put your suggested contact centre preferences in the letter.

  1. You are not going to loose your child..but i totally get that fear....totally. Especially given what you have been through you self as a child...its a normal fear for survivors. You must play the game tho. Don't be looking like you are using DD as a weapon (heartbreaking but that's the reality of what will be thrown at you). Suggesting contact centre is offering an option that is safe where he can't abuse her...after all...the investigation is not over.
  1. Phone Childrens Services and make a formal complaint against SW. Your reasons: case closed without fuller assessment. Word for word what your daughter said. I would end it with something like you will hold them personally responsible if any harm comes to your daughter as you have told them she is at high risk and they closed her case without full investigation. Be careful to get their full names and job titles. You can get their registration number from HCPC. Worth checking you actually had a SW and not a Social Care Worker family worker.

You want case reopened and new SW assigned. 2 glaringly obvious pieces of evidence: 1. Her words. 2. Her refusal to be touched/examined around her groin.

  1. Get some help! Consider following charities for advice / advocacy:

www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

www.mosac.org.uk/

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse/helping-children/

  1. Please know that we believe you. The words your DD used are not something a 3 year old would say unless it had happened. Stay strong...and focus on the ultimate goal. Right now it's about safe contact...you might hate the thought of that ...but with where you are right now...you absolutely need to demonstrate you are putting DD first. Yeah I know it's ridiculous isn't it. But...that's the oppressive system victims are faced with....you just dont have enough evidence to satisfy court ....yet. You must get some independent evidence to back up what shes saying. That's not just a physical exam. Statements from people such as GP, teachers etc with any evidence they witnessed (sexualised behaviour in class...inappropriate touching...anything she's said to them.etc).

Your ex sounds like a real nasty man...he will use threat of court to scare you and control you. Don't let him. Rise above it. Draw on your strength as a survivor to help your DD get through this. Shes going to need you to stay calm and focused on the fight for her safety... and...good luck. Please let us know how you got on. My heart is breaking for you. I wish I could do more to help you. Shes a very lucky girl to have such an amazing and brave mummy.

(I speak only from personal experience of having been through the system myself)

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