What rights does he have if his names on the birth certificate?

[Lwatkins]

Just a quick few questions that need answering! Am having a bit of a debate with myself at the mo. Am currently pregnant by my ex boyfriend who I split up with in August. I haven't heard from him in months so currently don't know if he's wanting contact when the baby is born. She is due at the end of May.

Now I know that if he wants his name on the certificate he has to be there to register as well. BUT, what I'm wondering is - if his name does go on the birth certificate does this mean he has equal rights to me? We were never married or anything and the baby will be taking my surname. Suppose am just neeing a few points on the pro's and con's of having his name on the certificate as although this might sound selfish of me, I'm not sure how comfortable I feel with giving him equal rights when his interest has been well, non existant. I don't know if I'm making sense, but any info would be welcome

she can't put his name on the certificate, he has to. she can still get maintenance if he is not on the certificate, it just means he can deny being the baby's dad and would therefore have to have a paternity test done first before the csa can do anything. if he was on the certificate, then if he said he wasn't the father the csa wouldn't take any notice as he put himself on the certificate so must believe he is the father.

no, still the same, unless you are married the father has to attend to put his name on the bc

ellieump-your situation is exactly what I was thinking of. Father's should not be written off at the pregnancy stage-particularly if toung or immature. (sometimes they need to see the baby to work out that's what happens when you are pregnant!!!!)

Caligula unfortunatley you cannot make a father have contact! Doesn't stop it being right for the child to have some form of relationship if at all possible.

What I meant was that even after encouragement he wanted no part in the baby's life-fair enough so far as PR is concerned. Does not alter the fact that the child will suffer the rejection of her father at some point down the line.

Oh gosh didn't expect to come back and find lots more replies!

Nappyaddict - Yes I'm at UWE in Bristol and in halls. I'm 'different' on my campus as I seem to be the only one waddling around 28 weeks pregnant, all the other girls are lovely and skinny! Oh how I remember that feeling, it's all such a distant memory!

Im 19, I'll be 20 when the baby's born and my ex is 21 (22 in the summer). Yes we are very young but I think I'm more emotionally mature than him and have always handled things better than him so I think this is why I seem to be 'managing' the situation and he perhaps...isn't?!

It is a sad situation, and one I find I can become very angry and upset over quickly. But I do try and see it from his point of view as much as possible. But it becomes hard to do so when you make the effort and just get verbally abused for trying, so I stopped trying and haven't spoken to him in 3/4 months. He hasn't attempted to ring me since we broke up in August, any contact after that was attempted by me.

I don't see it as my responsibility to convert him into a mature adult, and I'm certainly not gonna attempt to 'persuade' him to be a grown up and take care of his responsibilities. I did enough baby sitting of him whilst we were together and got fed up, and come the end of May I'll have a newborn baby to look after.

I will not take any money of him if he doesn't have a relationship with his daughter. If he makes that decision to not see her at all and not put his name on the birth cert then as far as I'm concerned he doesn't exist. I don't mean this in a spitefull way I just mean that I'll get on with things without him and wont take a penny from him. Even if I did go after him for support I'd get naff all anyway as he doesn't earn much, and from the stories I've heard the CSA can be pretty crap at the best of times. I don't think it's worth the hassle.

In my opinion it takes more than sperm to be a father, and he hasn't shown any signs of interst so far. I'd be disgusted with him if he suddenly took and interest when the baby gets here, cause where's he been the past 9 months? However I do want to do what's best for my baby girl who is my one focus, and if he does want access when she arrives I'll do my best to be reasonable. It's so hard because I feel nothing but anger and sometimes hate towards him, but I've also realised that my feelings have to take a back seat in all of this as it's my daughter that matters. Just because I think he's a shit, doesn't mean he'll be a bad father.

I just worry that one day he'll get nasty and take me to court and try and take her away from me which would destroy me. I know she's not even here yet but I still worry. That's why I'm trying to do my research on parental rights and responsibilities now.

its what i worry about too. that one day ds' father will grow up and realise what he is missing out on and suddenly try and take ds away from me. unfortunately if he turns round in 4 months or even 9 years he still has rights as a father and i can;t do anything to change that. can see him turning up when ds is about 4 and all the hardest work is done!

if you want to chat and have msn my address is [email protected]

hope your friends in halls are being supportive. are you hoping the baby will stay put until after your exams?

unfortunately LW if you have to go onto government benefits they will insist on getting the CSA involved, whether he is on the birth certificate or not, just to warn you!

I was on IS as my Mat Allowance was so low and by the time the CSA got it sorted (after I argued they would only cause more problems and was ignored) I had gone back to work and they didn't have to do it anymore! It took them 6 months

Lwatkins, did you break up because of the pregnancy?

I think for men it can be hard during pregnancy to feel involved if they are no longer with the mother - I know it might be galling but I think you would be doing the right thing to tell him when the baby is born and take it from there. You need to try to get beyond any feelings of hurt/abandonment to make the right decision - have you had any counselling?

A close family member was in a similar situation to you - split from the father while pregnant, he showed no interest, etc. She did not put him on the birth cert and he was very slow to come around to see the baby after it was born, kept cancelling, etc. HOWEVER, she eventually got into contact with his parents who were overjoyed to be involved with their grandchild and see him regularly and help her with childcare, etc. The father is still not involved as he should be but is getting better as the child gets older. I think overall it has been a good thing that the child is in contact with the other side of his family.

I also have know a couple of men who were denied access to their babies by the mother/mother's family purely because they did not want to continue the relationship with the mother. They probably did not fight very hard tbh, maybe felt they had no right to.... but 20/30 years on it is sad that they have mised out and it has affected them deeply.

I hope it all works out for you and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy...

Hello LW, I know exactly how you feel, my husband left me when I was pg with ds and our dd was 8 months old, he didnt contact us again. When ds was born we were still married (although going through a divorce) and his name went on the birth certificate (I grew up without knowing who my father was , I still dont know, there were just big black lines on the birth certificate where a name should be, so wanted his name on there) Ds is 13 months old now and he still hasn't acknowledged him, I heard from him a few days ago and he told me he was in the middle east somewhere,he only asked about our dd.

What I wanted to say is try not to worry about what your dd's father may or may not do when your dd arrives or in years to come, it is very very very very unlikely he will be able to go to court take your dd away from you. I had all of these fears too and still do I must admit when I am having a low day.

As with the csa yes ime they are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard but I am coping without my exh input financially so have just left the csa to it, yes it would be helpful to get the maintenance he owes but I will not get myself wound up by the incompetance of the csa.

I guess what I am trying to say is concentrate on you and your dd, dont let him ruin this most precious of times and if he wants to get involved when dd arrives see how you feel, my exh is complete tosser (that is very tame considering some of the names I would like to give him!!) but I would not deny him access to our children. That is not a choice I feel I have the right to make but everyone is different, if when my children are older they agree his is knob then they can make the choice not to see him. Having said all that the way things are at the moment it is possible they will not be meeting him anytime soon, quite sad really. I have put together a memory box of photos and bits and pieces of him so that my dcs will know who he is, I know I have done all I can to involve him so I dont feel any guilt as though it is my fault that he does not have a relationship with them.

Ooooh I have gone on haven't I!!! Sorry about that!! Hope everything goes well with the rest of pg and uni, take care, em x

OK devil's advocate, but why can you not make a father see his own child?

If it's so damned important, why doesn't the law demand it? Women are told that if they stop contact, they might be sent to prison or made to do community service, because a child's right to see its father is so important. How come it's not so important if a father doesn't want to/ can't be bothered to?

(I'm not advocating it btw, I can see there could be all sorts of problems, but why is it automatically assumed that a child's right is only enforcable if a man wants it enforced?)

I am with you caligula-I think they should be forced to take responsibility for their child's emotional health and well-being by showing some interest!

There are sadly some men in this world that donot connect their semen with the end product! oh that it were different.

Nappyaddict - any exams that I cant manage I'll re-sit in August due to the circumstances. They've generally been very good and supportive with me on my course.

KTeePee - no we did not break up because of the pregnancy. I broke up with him because I got fed up with him to be honest. One of those guys that 'changed' from the person I first met and didn't like the new outcome. It got to the point where everything he did annoyed me and I couldn't stand it anymore. I think he was maybe more serious about the relationship than me, always talking about our future, marriage, babies and staying together forever etc. This scared me of a bit as well cause I'm only young and didn't feel comfortable. I have loads of things I want to do, uni was always one of them, whereas he was more willing to just settle down and do nothing with his life. Which is fine but it's not me. There was other stuff too but it would take too long to say. So I broke up with him and came to uni in september which I think broke his heart a wee bit. 5 days after coming to uni I found out I was 'up the duff'

He's been angry at me ever since and I think this is why I'm getting the cold shoulder now. He hasn't got to the point where he looks past his feelings towards me and just see's his daughter yet. Whenever we spoke he got angry and would start shouting at me, I was always a bitch cause of what I did to him and still am by the looks of things. Which I can understand to a point, but he's not thinking about his child. When I first told him about the pregnancy he was really happy cause he got it in his head that we'd get back together and live happily ever after. When I made it clear that would not be happening he got nasty. I've always told him I want him involved though, which he said he wants too. But then the silence, so maybe he's just needing time and he'll come around when she's here.

I'm just worried though. Him and his family hate me because of 'what I did' to him and I'm scared of the effect this will have when it comes to my baby. If I ever say no to them it'll be seen as me being unreasonable etc. Not the fact that they've made an unreasonable request if that makes sense. Ho hum, things are so complicated. To an extent I don't really care though cause I get my beautful daughter at the end of May, which always makes me

Oh forgot to say, thank you all for your posts. I'm sorry to see that so many others have problems like this, it's not easy.

Poor you LW. What a quandary. TBH, I think it's a bit sad for kids not to have both parents on their birth certifcate. I know it's only a bit of paper, but I think it's always important to know who and where you came from.

As you rightly point out, being a dad is all about being there for your kids, not whether your name is on the certificate. If he wants access and parental rights, he can get it whether or not his name initally goes on the birth cert. Likewise, as it's been pointed out, if you ever need benefits, the CSA may try to force you into contacting him anyway.

If I were you, I would write to him (by registered mail and keep the receipt) and ask him to contact you by a certain date if he wants to be on the birth certificate. It's up to you whether you say something about contact or even say that you won't try to force contact etc. You can always just ask solely about the registration and leave the rest to him.

I think you're being really brave about everything.

just because a child's dad isn't on the birth certificate doesn't mean they won't know where they came from. my ds' dad isn't involved and wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate, but if ds asks i will always tell him about his dad and where he came from.

have you felt you've missed out on your first year at uni at all, not being able to go out and drink? how did other students react when you said you were pregnant, as i guess you wouldn't have known them very long when you found out and had to tell them. hope you don't mind me asking - just curious really!

I think, if I were in your position, I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If he wants to be involved, he still can but if he is on the birth certificate he has parental responsibility and it may make things more complicated for you in the long-term.

Well, I guess I probably felt differently becuase I had a reasonably good relationship with my DDs (absent) father.

If having his name on hte birth cert means you have to have his permission to apply for things like passports then perhaps its not such a good idea if he's not going to be involved.

I was told that that if the fathers name was on the birth cert then he has the same rigths as me,i was also told that if the father does NOT have any contact with a child for 3 straight yrs,(no letters,cards,presents,money) then he lose's all parental rights,and then u become the sole parent of ya child,,but im not sure on either of wot i was tol.

so my advice to u is go and see some1 who would know seek professional advice etc

cazziej don't mean to be rude, but you have an infinite amount of space to write what you want at no cost, so not using text speak would probably be appreciated by most people on here and will mean you will get more people responding to what you have written. i know of quite a few people on here that just ignore posts that are witten with text speak, so just trying to help - please don't take offence.

sorry nappy it didnt occour to me that some people dont like the words to be shortned i have just got used to it over the years way before i even got a mobile sorry once again and no offene taken

i don't mind it myself, but i know some people find it difficult to read.

Nappyaddict - to a certain extent I've found uni to be a very lonely time and yes I have felt like I've missed out - A LOT. I'm not a 'normal student', but wouldn't give my baby up for anything! It makes me very tearful sometimes to hear all the other students talking about what great times they've been having and who was sick from drinking too much last night etc.

It's also hard going because I live on a campus full of beautiful looking, thin girls. I've never felt so invisable in all my life! But I only have a few more weeks to go before I move back home where I'll have my baby. It's going to be the best summer for me and I'll be surrounded by my incredibly supportive family. I also have the new Harry potter to look forward to reading in between feeds!

As for other students reactions, they were all ok really. My flatmates are all incredibly protective of me and my bump, if anyone so much as breathes near me there's a fight!

It might sound silly but I do sometimes get very jealous when I see couples or chat online to other women with partners. Sometimes I just want a cuddle and a foot rub after a bad, hormone filled day! I just hope that all this with my ex can be sorted out, I've had an eventful year and don't want any more drama!

I did the same thing with my ex gave him a chance to turn up when i got my little girl registered (he didnt!!). He wasnt around for any of it and we are both better off without. Are u asking him for maintenance for ur baby too?

Deffinately deffinately dont change your mind about your little one having your surname. having so many problems because ds had his dad's surname and it cant be changed even though he hadsn't seen his dad for over a year now

Anya - I wasn't going to take a penny of him if he wasn't going to be involved. However I'm now being told that if I want to claim benefits, which I will have to do as I'm a full time student, that I will need him to be paying maintenance? If it means I do have to go through the CSA for money from him so that I can claim benefits then I will, but I really didn't want to if he wasn't going to be involved. He doesn't earn very much so I didn't think it would be worth all the hassle going through the CSA for what would probably ammount to £10 a week from him!

Juicy - even if we were still together the baby would still be taking my surname. I never had any doubt over who's surname she'd be taking - MINE!