Hardest thing possible

[mummymick]

I was 21 when I had my son. His dad was my best friend and I loved him more than anything. He was around for about 4 months then said he wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
He has 3 kids with another woman and I've watched for years as he's played daddy and done everything I've wanted for my son.
Out the blue about 4 months ago he walked back into our life and me and him decided to give things another go. Now we're getting on great but my 4 year old son isn't taking to it very well. Please help I'm trapped as I want my son to be happy but I want to also have some happiness. Do I tell him to leave ?

You've had lots of good advice here. Now keep this twat the fuck away from your baby.
Yes he's an arsehole. A selfish lazy cunt.
Why the fuck would you try to make your little lad take his twattery on board??

Everyone is being very harsh with you in their use of language.

They are trying to make a very important point. He's a waste of time and energy.

You and your son deserve better.

• 'noticing differences in the way he acts with them.' 'his dad just keeps getting disheartened by this and backing off.' 'I am struggling to get my son to bond with him.'*

None of these things will improve unless your son's dad is prepared to put serious time, effort and patience into improving them. Based on his past record and current behaviour (as evidenced by the second statement from your posts quoted above) do you really think he has the commitment or inclination to do that?

If you can't answer an honest, emphatic 'yes' to that question (and frankly I don't see how you possibly can) then you have to protect your little boy from the emotional damage this man is sure to inflict on him before he decides the grass is greener elsewhere again and leaves you to pick up the pieces.

You have had harsh responses on this thread but that's because we can all see what your love for this man is blinding you to, your boy needs protecting from this carcrash situation and, since he only has one parent he can really rely on, it's your job to do the protecting.

Wow he walks out on his kids alot doesn't he. The latest being his other 3, the youngest 2 of whom must only be toddlers. And it sounds like he is already laying the groundwork for dumping you again soon with his 'backing off', and he'll no doubt blame the 4 year old for taking too long to bond with him when he does.

When you are a parent you don't have the luxury of being able to pursue relationships with feckless deadbeats who abandon their kids, no matter how much you love them. But your son first.

*Put your son first

I can see it must be hard for you OP, your feelings for him are there and the fact that you also want your DS to have a proper dad makes it seem to you even more right to be with him. I am not surprised you feel strongly in some ways. You met this man when you were very young and had a child with him, you then had years of him being unobtainable and wishing your ds had a daddy, a role that it seemed only he could fulfil. So you have attached a lot of emotion to him. You won't just be able to turn that off and it will be painful to face up to the fact that those feelings are not a reason to get back together.

Your DS doesn't have any of these complicated feelings so he just sees this man for what he is, a stranger who does not really care about him.

Sadly there is no doubt about this man, he is pathetic. He is prepared to father children with no regard for their wellbeing or their future. He abandoned your son, and you ought to hate him for that. Be in no doubt at all he would do it again without a backward glance. He should have told the mother of his other children that on no account would he cut contact with your DS. He didn't do that for his family....he could have remained a father to all his children without being with you or her. He did it because he wanted to live with/sleep with her for his own benefit. Just like as soon as she became less to his benefit, had PND and required him to love her rather than just use her for his own pleasure, he left.

You won't be happy with him. If he was a good man and could make you happy, posters here would be advising how to help him bond with your son. But he isn't and he'll never be any good for either of you. No matter how hard it is and how much you have to ignore your feelings, fake it till you make it and get rid of him. Respect yourself and your DS by not allowing a man back in your lives who has no respect for either of you. He literally sees you and the other woman as things to pick up and drop at his convenience. Don't take it!

If he really cares about your DS he won't be discouraged by any of this and will be prepared over the coming years to gradually rebuild his relationship with organised contact, very limited at first while he shows if he can be a good father and you DS becomes more comfortable. But I think once you kick him out of bed, your DS won't see him for dust, sadly. Don't you think your DS deserves someone who has a little more care for him than that? Don't you deserve the same?

I want my son to bond with his dad but he doesn't seem to be able to do that and his dad just keeps getting disheartened by this and backing off

The thing is, your son cannot "bond" with a man who is not committed to deepening and strengthening their relationship. By definition, bonding is mutual. By "backing off" your partner is demonstrating to your son that he is not there for him. Children need consistency and unconditional love and acceptance. This man is not providing these for your son; his feelings and actions towards him are half-arsed, and your son understands this. He cannot trust his dad. His behaviour expresses this understanding even though he cannot verbalise it.

In addition your son has had you all to himself for his whole life. You have prioritised him and given him all your time and attention. Now he is having to share his mum, his home and his whole life with his so-called father. His world has been turned upside down, and he is likely to be feeling resentful and insecure.

Given both of these factors it is no wonder "he doesn't seem to be able to" bond with is dad. He is only four! What is your partner's excuse?

It seems that your partner has a resilience problem. He has very little emotional stamina. He has literally abandoned two families, and even when he is physically present, he is unable to put in the hard emotional work needed to sustain close relationships with loved ones. He is immature and selfish.

Unless he is able to self-reflect and improve, he will dump you and your son again. You say that leaving him would be terribly hard - but would it not be easier than having him, inevitably, leave you? Ending the relationship will empower you, it will be your decision, and you can take ownership of your choices rather than being an unwilling victim of his.

And, as long as you communicate effectively with your son, splitting up with his father will show him that his welfare and well-being are more important to you than anything else. I think the "hardest thing" would be continuing to allow your son to suffer and potentially become alienated from you, for the sake of your irrational attachment to a weak and self-serving man.

Wishing you all the best with taking a difficult but necessary step

his dad

Oh honey, walk away, for yourself and your son.

Oh, gosh OP.

The responses you're getting are strong and heartfelt, because this so obviously has 'disaster' written all over it, from the point of view of people who are unemotionally attached.

The collateral damage in all this is your son. And you. But your son mostly.

I'm not in the least bit surprised your son isn't - or doesn't want to bond - with his 'father'.

Try to take a step back and see what is happening here.

You may love him very much but you love your son more and have to put him first. This guy is no good. At all. Sounds like a terrible person actually, heartless and uncaring.

Ugh, what a disgusting specimen of a so called man. Poor children involved in this mess.

OP, do the right thing by your child and ditch this loser. Love and feelings aside, he has behaved awfully to you, his ex and all of his dc. And he will likely keep treating people like shit until someone stops him.

Please put your dc first.

Another thread where the op simply doesn't want to hear the unanimous advice so just minimises, excuses and ultimately sticks her fingers in her ears

No answer to my "were you the OW?" Question either I notice.

Yes, if you are still reading OP, do think hard about what has been said, even if you don't post. You can ignore it but I am afraid if you do it will come back to bite you. I think deep down you know any 'happiness' you snatch out of this is a mixture of kidding yourself and living on borrowed time. I am usually second guessing myself and adding all kinds of 'ifs and buts' to posts, but even I can't see how the advice you've been given here could be wrong. I am sorry.

Are you trying to force your child with someone who hasn't seen him for 4 years?

Were you a single parent all this time or have you had another boyfriend?

Most definitely not forcing him and I have been a single parent all this time not one boyfriend!

No I was not the other woman whatsoever and have given off the wrong impression about his ex. She kicked him out when she was suffering from PND and he tried to sort it out but she didn't want to. I am not ignoring posts at all

Mummymick, ultimately its your decision, and you are free to ignore strangers on the internet.

No-one here is trying to be mean, I'm sure you do love him. But he sounds like a complete arsehole. Worse still is you thinking that its the other woman's fault - she kicked him out, she made him pick between their children or yours. I'd bet her side of the story would sound very different.

Don't fall for his bullshit again.