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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What was your 'this is actually going to be ok' moment as a newly single parent?

45 replies

RedStripeIassie · 26/12/2016 17:26

I finally left my h this month and I'm swinging wildly between tears and being a bit excited about a new future that doesn't involve him. My 3yr old dd does not miss him a bit and had been saying for a while that she didn't like Daddy, only Mummy. So all the sadness and fear is coming from me.

What was your first surprising happy thought or thing that happened to make you think it's wasn't just going to be ok but it was going to be good?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

skyyequake · 02/01/2017 15:15

I've been on my own for over 3 months and I've had tonnes already... I was carrying a lot of extra weight that just seemed to fall off after the first month, I can have evenings to myself without more stress, I have total control over money with no guilt trips, I've made the place look better because I don't have to "consult" with anyone and can choose how I spend my time...

BUT the one moment that sticks in my mind as a "wow not only can I do this but I can do it better alone" moment was when DD got a really bad cold earlier in the winter. The first night she was up all night and I brought her into my bed and she tossed and turned and I could give her all the space she needed without anyone grumbling, she was so poorly that I didn't even feel tired myself, my sole focus was on her without having to worry about anyone or anything else. The next day I brought the duvet into the living room and we had a day of lounging about, letting her rest without worry... I didn't have to make cups of tea on demand, I didn't have him pulling DD about for cuddles when she doesn't want them, I didn't have a grown-ass man sulking because he wasn't getting enough attention... We just chilled out and she got a stress free today to recover, it just made me realise how much easier it was with just us and without having to pander to someone else!

Boogers · 02/01/2017 15:25

Hi spacey, I'm really sorry, I didn't realise you weren't the OP until I read the thread again. I'm sorry.

That said, you, too, will come through this.

I have a friend whose dickhead husband left her and their 10-year-old daughter, saying he didn't want to be constrained by family. That was 4 years ago, and my friend and her daughter are just fine. You know the song 'I Will Survive'? My friend is the epitome of those lyrics. Did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd break down and cry? Erm, no. I cried, got pizza and fathomed out my next move. I survived, and so will you. Honest

Boogers · 02/01/2017 15:43

Skyye you're brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, and that's exactly it. Being a single parent is very, very hard, but the moments you speak of are absolute treasures. Yes, it's shit when shit happens - the condenser heaters conk out, your DC has an ear infection but you have a meeting at 9am, you have a power cut in a snowstorm and nothing electrical to rely on for almost a day (as in no tv, dvd player, heaters, computer, cooker, microwave, boiler) - but you cope, somehow. Not sure how, but you do. Even with -£1200 in the bank with a £1300 overdraft.

You'll be fine! Really, you will

Notapodling · 02/01/2017 15:54

There was no real worry about doing it on my own, but I do remember this huge and almost overwhelming sense of relief when I realised it was really over and I didn't have to stay married anymore.
Now, I appreciate the little things. Like others have said: sleeping on my own, eating what I want when I want. Choosing what's on TV. Tue complete lack of walking on eggshells all the time. The independence is glorious. I was doing most of the childcare before so I actually have a lot more free time now because DS spends time at his dad.

skyyequake · 02/01/2017 16:40

Thanks Boogers it gives you a realisation of inner strength when you look up and realise that through all the crap you've been through you're still there and you actually did get through it... Even when you cry and despair and think "I can't do this anymore" you brush yourself off and you carry on because you're a parent and that's what you do for your kids, and it's hard, and you feel like you're not doing enough. But when you look back you realise how strong you've been and it gives you an immense sense of "bring it on"

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 02/01/2017 18:54

These are so inspirational to here. I'm ok thanks boogers, up and down. I just want to be out of our old flat and on to the next step. Dd fine as always but she's a bit of a closed book. Due to ex being a depressed addict, all those 'bloke' jobs had been done by me for years anyway. TBH I miss his amazing cooking most of all. He knew food was the way to my heart.

OP posts:

skyyequake · 02/01/2017 19:02

See if you can get a cookbook in the sales and find the way to your own heart!!

spaceyface89 · 02/01/2017 20:56

Hi Redstripe,
I totally feel you wanting to get to the next stage now. I'm at my parent's house and my DS has lost all routine and I feel like I don't have a place of my own at all. I can't wait to have a place we can call our own again, I think it'll be healing.

Original poster

RedStripeIassie · 03/01/2017 00:37

That's the problem. When I visualised breaking up with him it was a clean split and me and dd were suddenly installed in our new home happily doing it up 80s montage style!! Instead we're hanging around in our old flat till I can sort my work out, then moving in with my mum and finally at some undefined point in the spring moving into our own place once I've saved some money.

Another good thing I've thought of is not feeling like you have to convince everyone around you that things are great. If I feel sad and like shit now I'll just tell it like it is. I felt such a responsibility in a couple to make things look happy.

OP posts:

skyyequake · 03/01/2017 09:17

Yeah things are very rarely how we imagine them RedStripe but that doesn't mean things won't get better! You'll probably find that you'll have wonderful highs followed by spectacular lows for a while... It's good that you don't feel the need to keep up the pretence that you're happy when you're not, I still struggle with that a lot...

It probably won't be 80s montage style but eventually you will have that new place and be able to do it up as you and your DD like and it'll be great! Can you get on pinterest and make some moodboards to get an idea of what you like? You might not end up using it for your actual place when you get it but its a good distraction and gives you something to look forward to!

spaceyface89 · 03/01/2017 20:40

This thread is keeping me going at the moment. I moved all my things out of our house today and back into my parents and living out of bags and boxes. Had a cry when I locked the door for the last time.

Does anyone who is further down this road have any practical advice regarding renting places, benefits etc etc? Also, any advice on moving forward emotionally and how to deal with ex.

skyyequake · 03/01/2017 21:05

Have a look on the site entitledto.co.uk, plus in your details and it'll calculate what benefits you're entitled to (including income support, housing benefit, tax credits) it was an utter life saver tbh!

I found the best way to deal with a shitty ex is imagine that you're in court, or that everything you say will be eventually be brought up in court, and so no swearing, no losing your cool or getting emotional, just simple and business like. If he texts you saying "why did you block me on fb?" Or something then simply ignore. If it's not to do with kids/sorting finances/anything else you need to sort as part of your split, then ignore. Keep all communications via text or email so that any time he decides to be a dick you have evidence. If you need to do face to face meetings then don't engage in any tit for tat arguments, divert everything back to DC. If he calls you a bitch don't go "no actually, you're a twat", instead say "DC has had lunch but you'll need to give them dinner before bringing them back" (examples btw).

As soon as you close the door you can collapse and cry and do anything you need to, but face to face don't give him anything he can use against you.

Btw he'll probably accuse you of being cold, but you don't need to worry about what he thinks of you anymore!!

Hope you're doing ok sorry I can't give any advice re renting as I'm lucky enough to have had our flat in my name...

spaceyface89 · 04/01/2017 19:35

Skyy,
Thanks for that, it's so helpful. It's so bloody hard to keep from saying what my ex-partner deserves to hear.

He's offered a very small amount of maintenance which won't even cover a third of DS childcare fees, let alone paying for clothes, food, heating etc. Justified this as he asked me and our DS to leave midway through a tenancy which he is now liable to pay in full. I just want to shout at him that he should have thought about that!

Boogers · 04/01/2017 21:35

Spacey why not try write the things you want to say to your ex here?

I'll start.

Dear Ex

Boogers · 04/01/2017 21:39

Sorry, truncated midway

Dear Ex

You're a deadbeat father, the lowest of the low.

you carry on from there OP. @anyfucker will help you if you need it.

skyyequake · 04/01/2017 21:51

Ah yeah my ex was crap about maintenance, just kept asking "does DD need anything" which translates to "I'll buy a few pieces here and there to show how generous I am but completely at my discretion". One time I said she needed a coat for winter as it was getting very cold... It took him 3 weeks to even mention it again! Funnily enough I'd bought one for her by then

Every time he said "does DD need anything" I felt like saying "yeah for her dad to not be a selfish, controlling twat!" Problem is that it's never going to sink in so all you're doing is spending your energy on them, which is exactly what they want!

Boogers · 04/01/2017 22:08

Sky how old is your DD?

Summerisdone · 04/01/2017 22:49

About 2-3 weeks after the break up and I realised that my only unhappiness in that time had been over financial worries, whereas previously I had been unhappy pretty much all the time. It was then that I realised that whilst finances may be tight, being a happier person will make me a better mum than I could have been whilst with ex partner.
It's not easy but it's doable, and I find that whilst the 'work' is harder when doing it by yourself, the rewards are often much greater.

Good luck with everything

Boogers · 04/01/2017 23:23

In the 30 months H (then boyfriend) and me were separated he gave me a grand total of £240 towards the upkeep of his son. He gave me the cheques but turned on the guilt with how he was living so as I wouldn't cash them. He could still afford a season ticket and nights out etc though.

Anyway, I did it all myself, and when you make that house for yourself, even if it's a shed, it's yours and not his, and if you want to paint the walls neon pink and your wood furniture jet black then there's nothing stopping you, though I would encourage you to not paint your walls neon pink and your furniture jet black as it's a bit grim on the eyes

skyyequake · 05/01/2017 10:14

Boogers DD is 18 months right now

Totally agree with you about the decorating thing! One of the most satisfying things I did was clear out and entire corner of our living room which was heaped up with all his building crap from when he did up our flat (July/August '15 and it was still there...) and get rid of the blanket he'd put up (or rather made me put up) because he was too cheap to buy curtains (I'd bought two sets for the front windows but couldn't afford any more) and was, quite honestly, manky as fuck! But now it all looks clean and like a proper home and I've got my candles on the window sill and DD has more room to play, and most importantly it's safe for her! It took me about 2 and a half hours one evening, and what really gets me is that if he'd bothered to help me back then it would have taken no more than an hour out of an evening/weekend... But because it was something I wanted he had to make the point that I "couldn't boss him around" so nothing got freaking done!! Also because he was a lazy arsehole

And yeah, even though I have less money coming in, it's my money to do with as I please without having to ask "please can I pay the rent this month?" Or getting "now do you really need that or do you just want it?" (valid point to make to a six year old maybe, and also if he didn't go and spend £££ on bloody playstation games!)

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