Marrieds see me as a coffee daytime friend....

[gorillatoes]

...but I rarely get invited to evening barbecues and things like New Year's Eve party gatherings. I suppose it makes sense as even numbers are easier and then the men have someone to talk man stuff with, while the girls chat. (where I live is a v traditional area) .

Every year as New Year or Guy Fawkes or whatever comes round, I am always inviting people as I want my house to be a full and lively home for my son. But I invariably get turned down as couples are invited to another couples and that's a far more fun, festive atmosphered houseful with lots of kids rather than just me and my boy. So we end up alone or thrown together with another lone parent or two who I wouldn't neccessarily choose to spend my time with.

I sound judgemental but I wish I had my own steady circle of friends instead of constantly scrabbling round finding someone to spend time with. It would be so lovely to get invited. I have to extend so many invites and rejections before someone says yes.

Yet when it comes to coffee during the day or when husbands are away, then I am the first to be called. Does anyone else find this? I am starting to worry that is in fact me and that not only can I not keep a relationship, I can only make superficial friends too.

Feeling v sorry for myself tonight.

I think now, I'd think I'd decline any invite which was extended purely to lay eyes on a new bf. Either invite me cos I'm invited in my own right, or continue ignoring me!

I'm totally with you on the BBQ's and parties OP! Someone even basically told me: oh you could come if you want bit it'll be us couples there.

DD mentioned once she wanted to have a get together in the summer (time of garden Bbq's) but we don't have the garden and no one invited us. We are both social and c are at least on the surface pleasant, make friends, etc.

It has been on my mind too but you articulated it better!

Although on another hand I'm not that interested in having a chat with my friends' husbands - they're not my friends! So that daytime coffee thing doesnt bother me.

I can't believe that women think you are out to 'steel' their husbands?! You can't exactly stuff them into pockets/bras on the way of the door can you? Honestly...
It's a strange new world social life with kids, dp and I weren't ones for double dates, or this couple marlarkey!
I'm still hoping to find 'mum/parent' friends who I can get on with, be honest and have a laugh. They can be single or in relationships!
Maybe I have to wait until dd reaches school (only 18 months, still doing the nct thing). Most of my friends are childless (and or single) so far. Really hope I meet a mums like you gorillatoes at school gates!
In all seriousness, thanks for raising the awareness. I am in a couple, and although I don't believe I'd discriminate against a single parent, I can easily imagine just going with crowd. When I'm at the school gates Ill ask everyone people I like

Im actually crying reading this 🙈 does it not get better? I put not being invited out down to me having a three year old and being a single mum. Never really stopped and thought about it if im honest, its so bloody hard and lonely, you definitely find out who your true friends are when you become single, I think I have two that text and see how I am.

As a single parent to a toddler I feel your pain. I have a friend who, bless her, still always invites me to stuff even though 99% of the time I can't go. I lost a lot of friends when I got divorced.

Someone in work yesterday said "oh my dh is away on a stag, i'm a single parent this weekend like you!" Ah ha ha ha. Ha. Difference is love he is back Sunday night and then back to work and contributing to the bills. He is there if your kid is ill during the night and you are worried. He is there to share all of the 1st's with. You don't spend every evening alone... I could go on but I won't!

Op I agree completely with your post. I have several married friends and they are always free for a coffee Monday to Friday but it's like I'm invisible come Friday afternoon until Monday morning. It is upsetting but I can also understand why it happens. Now my kids are older I have joined a singles group and go out with them on a weekend but when mine were younger it used to get me down big time. I do think it's the same for both men and women who are single. Weekends seem to be a family thing.

I think the lonely weekends issue passes once the child/children are older. Ds is now 11 and I don't feel lonely. I am busy catching up with housework, helping with homework etc. and then beyond that I enjoy some uninterrupted quality me time afternoons of both the weekend days. We don't tend to go out far at weekends like we used to as ds plays with his gadgets and mixes with a few friends etc. So I get on with hobbies i.e. watching films, playing a bit of piano, reading a novel etc. I think a lot depends how sociable a person you are though. I don't tend to crave others endlessly and enjoy my own company. It would be harder if I was very gregarious I think this is an issue for single parents who can't find fellow single parents to hang out with. My main friends all live far away from me and although I crave single parent understanding a lot of the time I know I can get that on mumsnet. I still make an effort to keep in touch with other friends who live far away though. It is important. As for married friends I find a lot of them a bit boring (apologies to anybody reading this!) so I don't feel terribly left out of festivities as such. Luckily over the Xmas hols we will go to the cinema once and I belong to a spiritual group we will go to twice or three times during that week and I also know a friend whose son is the same age as mine and he is an access father (platonic friend) and there is also another friend who is platonic and we will go out with him for a cheap chips lunch not very exciting but at least an out. I agree the ten days over the Xmas period is a bit of a killer socially as those with partners and families tend to congregate and leave you out of the picture. Single parents are just left out in the cold but luckily I will enjoy some relaxation time as it isn't as if ds is too young any more ..... Apologies for babbling on I hope I am fairly coherent!

Same here, although I do get invited to special events. I seem to spend most of the weekend alone unless husbands are away.

I used to get invited more places when I was just a single person but as soon as I became a single parent that changed.

It can be quite hurtful knowing you friends all meet up for nights out and couples meals.

OP -so get what you are saying.

4 yrs ago got invited to NYE party kids included, it was lovely, except I was the only single there. Chatted with people enjoyed myself, could not drink because had to drive home - as always, the other problem when you ar single.
Come Midnight, of course everyone was coupled up hugging their kids and it was just me and DC.

I had never felt so lonely as I did, at that point.

I know the same group of parents go to each others houses every NYE since but I am never invited - it fucking hurts.

One Mum invites me round for tea with DCs and I love her for it.

And if one more couple mother, says he is away for a week with work and I am a single Mum, I know what you go through - I will scream!
You have no bloody clue -it is me good days, bad days, leaking taps, bills, holiday planse, childcare, fuseboxes, car tax, MOT, tyres, garden, cleaning, palnning, school, food tea, washing, ironing, sports kit, shoes, boots, toys, homework, tantrums - hugs all mine and I guard them all.

I need an operation and have to stay in overnight because of other health issues - do you have a clue how hard it is to ask someone else to look after your child because you can not and not feel bad.

I am shy by nature but I get up everyday and socialise when I need to ,make sure I do not ask for too many favours from friends and juggle everything with one hand tied behind my back.

Going out for a meal with adults occasionally would just be different and no I am not after your blokes, believe me!

I started my own Sunday single mum club to solve that problem.

Marmalade - what is your Sunday single mum club? Please tell more...

I meet up with other single mums from a Single Mums Facebook group local to me. We even have a whatsapp group. Has been a great source of support

This thread has been cathartic. I married a workaholic. All of my married life I have gone to "things" on my own. I have dealt with major stuff on my own - hospital admissions, labour 13 weeks early and unexpected. All of my married life I have smiled and been utterly charming and made excuses.

Being married, even happily, can be hard too, and sometimes the bitchy comments hurt too "I'd put my foot down", "are you sure he's working", "does having everything really make up for it". A hundred events where you say through gritted teeth "oh, dh so wanted to come, but something came up at work, and he can't be here".

I understand it isn't like being a single parent, but being a married parent with no emotional support can be hard too. And the money doesn't always make up for it xx

I hear you. At weekends I feel like I don't exist anymore. I've been ill recently and had to struggle on managing things by myself and it really made me realise how there is nobody who has my back. I have wondered if the hard times I've been through make people uncomfortable around me. I am not as light and carefree as they are because I am usually exhausted and have been dealt a very hard blow this year that I won't go into for fear of outing myself.

I suspect I am not the lightest bubbliest company, though I do try. Sad truth is that if those happy marrieds who think I'm a bit self absorbed or dramatic, were in similar shoes they'd be just as miserable. Possibly more so as I am a coper and keep plodding on and plodding on and putting a brave face on. Even though inside I am dying of loneliness and longing for someone to look after me and take my son out for an hour or two, or invite me to theirs so I don't have to do all the hard work .

SO the happy people with the support, someone to give the a sympathetic ear or share the financial burden or just have a glass of wine with in the evening. They don;t ever have to think or consider what it's like on the other side. SO they gravitate towards other carefree and relaxed people. Depressing, much?