A handhold required from other single mums

[dilys4trevor]

Readers of Relationships threads will know that my husband recently killed himself. He hadn't been very nice and I had a week prior thrown him out, so no personal loss to me (although the circumstances were awful and there was a horrendous betrayal) but I am struggling most with lone parenting.

I have three under 7. All have dealt with the death well. I'm still off work on CL but back in a couple of weeks. I have a high pressured job and am so worried about coping.

My 20 month old has been ill on and off for a fortnight now and I have been sleeping on a mattress on her floor. I am up for hours with her some nights and am struggling. I often go to another room to shout and swear at 2am and I have taken to loudly and unsympathetically 'shushing' her every time she makes a noise. I'm desperate to sleep and know I wouldn't normally get so irritated.

The five and seven year old (both boys) can be naughty and fight and I am on a shorter and shorter fuse with them. I find myself snapping at them unreasonably.

I have a great nanny but worry so much about going back to work and struggling on poor sleep. Plus I had often worked at home in the evenings and I feel like this is going to be harder when my daughter suddenly gets sick again.

Work will be understanding (they know all about the circumstances as H worked there too) and my nanny is going to stay over a couple of nights a week hopefully, but I'm already feeling strained. My salary is very high (and it needs to be now, more than ever) and I don't want to take the piss.

I find myself raging against dead twatty H in the middle of the night and obviously this doesn't help with sleep! Seeing an ace counsellor and that is helping but it feels bleak sometimes. I also have a really bad back from musical beds and this is exacerbating my irritability.

I guess I'd love to hear from other totally single mums with three who have come out the other side from the very young children days.

I have been up for the past 3 hours with a coughing baby so I understand how frustrating it is. I am about to become a LP and have 2 DC (one who is under 1). I am terrified about doing it all with no sleep. I have a job where I have to work at home in the evening and just can't imagine doing this after a full day at work and no sleep. No real advice but you're not alone!

A few things...Have your tried the vicks on feet...I am 50/50 whether it works but worth a shot as no cough medicine for that age...

I am not so sure on the au pair ..for you or the children... The children are gireving in a different way but mostly for you I think the connection and it not been about bringing in money.. You are your mum...Clearly well loved ..I think you need that connection..

Yes if Nanny will stay two nights a week great but you do need to retract you will get up...You are right might as well not have her if she is just sleeping there..

Other thing..Giving yourself a good talking to is not really necessary...LP is very different for most..Some people manage to co parents..Get on well and are very supportive of each other..Some completely abandon their kids financially and physically, some make it their mission to make life as difficult for the other parent as possible, some are widowed, some have great family support some don't.. We are all just doing the best we can..

If it is raining and they are driving you crazy..Soft play is the answer...

Also I would add..I would expect your emotions to be all over the place right now.. You will have good days bad days...A poorly 20 month old is tough in anybodies circumstance... But they will also be feeding off your emotions..Not that your shouldn't have them simply to be aware..

One thing I have learnt having a child ( apart from I am able to speak before a cup of tea in the morning) that when I am having a bad day I do think what can I do to change it..

Thanks Sally. That makes me feel a bit better. And thanks all.

Been a bit of a shit Easter but I probably need to start accepting there will be bad times. Up until now, pretty much, I've felt alright. Have kept busy and planned fun things and done lovely stuff with the kids. I think the illness of the youngest and the sleep deprivation has made me dwell a bit more on what happened to me. Plus I misguidedly didn't plan anything for Easter and so it has really dragged. And I have always loved Easter and family stuff over
those four days. For the first time I really, really howled about it today. Cried like a wounded animal. About the shitness of what he did and how he treated me over the course of a year, with the final insult being leaving the children and me to deal with the mess. Previously I've just felt hate but today I was just so sad, for me and the kids. I still have the ordeal of going back to work to deal with (he had at least one affair there, right under my nose, plus several flirtations where he slagged me off as part of the romancing). I'm a company leader so my career feels wobbly as well as a result. I'd worked so hard to build it. I feel like I am returning totally humiliated.

I tried the Vicks on the feet but last night was one of the worst yet. I even gave her Piriton as a friend said it makes them drowsy. Normally I'd never resort to that kind of thing, but I was desperate. She seemed more awake than ever!

I'm hoping today's 'crash' will be a positive in the long run and all part of the healing.

Anyway, sorry. This last post hasn't really been about the lone parenting bit.

You could post on the bereavement thread - I did when my DM passed away, which could co incided with finding out about my the dh affair and his total disregard for me. People were very kind. But I couldn't read the other threads.

You're dealing with two things here. The crap you went through, and now the situation you are in. It's fine to take time to process this and it's also fine to be fucking angry. My dr told me to walk to the top of a hill and scream, or punch a pillow. He also offered counselling. I'm rather pragmatic so this seemed pointless but having someone unshockable and independent of me to talk at:) was helpful.

Go back to the docs with your DC and get some advice - I suspect a lot is stress- have you arranged private counselling for the DC? I did for mine, specialist and expensive but worth it. The school will help. Age doesn't matter. Unless there is a much loved relative who can be trusted? Ask the DC what they would like.

Have you got a lovely assistant? Because if so, I suggest you meet them before going in, and lay some ground rules, organise your diary and use them as a buffer. I was an assistant to a someone who lost their dh, and found they had a potentially terminal illness all the same time and my conduct, being the go to person and steady presence - I've been told I made all the difference. Also, go in gently, organise 1:1 and work p/t to start. Keep expectations low for you and them.

You can pm me if you like:)

Thanks Lavender. I am having ace counselling (recommended person by someone on here). I have counselling for the DCs signed off but to be honest they don't seem to need it. They are fine (the fighting between the boys has always been the case) and I thought it might make better sense to save it until later. Maybe I should do it as a matter of course but i will be back at work soon and I want to be there if poss. That said, I've been very upbeat until these last few days when I posted, and now I have crashed a bit, they might need it to make sense of me as much as anything else.

I have a brilliant PA and a few trusted sorts who I want to speak to before or when I get back one on one.

I will pm you Lav.

I can't imagine what you're going through at the moment. I only have one dd but these are the things I have learned:

I have to look after myself - sleep, vitamins and yoga have a massive impact on my ability to have patience. You sound like you're broken with lack of sleep and worry.

When she is poorly its hugely difficult. I couldn't actually cope very well recently when she was ill so called in my mum to help. If I had more children and the money I would definitely pay another adult to be there to help with the hard stuff.

I think its really easy to underestimate the impact of the weather. Its been a long rainy slog of winter and early spring. The sun - literally and metaphorically - will come out soon. I take comfort in marking the change of seasons and getting milestones of the year out of the way, and also recreating new memories to treasure.

Dd co-sleeps. She watches peppa pig a lot. She wears crazy outfits. I eat lots of ready made food. All of this I do for an easy life because I don't have boundless energy any longer.

You're amazing. Doing brilliantly. For now you need to just get through and not sweat the what ifs and what mights.

Hi Dilys. I am glad to hear you are having counselling. I think recognising your pain, and the crying, will have 'shifted' something in you, and you will be able to move onto the next stage. There are various stages to grief, which include anger, and people will move through them at different rates, and not necessarily in text book order, apparently. I went through the grief stuff with my divorce, which was no where near as traumatic as your situation. I think you are doing great under difficult circumstances. KOKO

I am a single parent to 4 age 7 and under.

Some days it's relentless and when anyone is ill it's a nightmare so I have much sympathy. My youngest is 7/8m and still up once/twice a night.

I had a nanny during the summer months when they were off school and I mainly had her take the kids out so I could relax a bit in the house / sleep. Even if it's raining, soft play will enable the kids to let off steam. It also stopped me from feeling too guilty that the children were not having "fun".

If you have the funds available I would say buying in as much help as you can will help. Cleaner? Can the nanny work 5 days? Or combo of nanny and au pair? I wouldn't want anyone living in though so think about that.

Some days are harder than others but you will get through it and the good days will start to become more frequent than the bad.

You're doing amazingly - be kind to yourself