Ex wants overnight stays for our 9 month old and he lives 2 hours away

[Hughesy1998]

Can someone help me my ex and i split up 7 weeks ago our baby is 9 months old and he wants to have overnights weekends fri - mon every month as his mum lives 2 hours away. He hasnt seen our daighter since he left.

I don't know what is best to do for my baby as i keep reading its not good for a young baby to be away from there mum for that long is that true

He works an hour away mon- thurs and travels back to his mums at weekends but is refusing to come here to see here as he said its inappropriate. He has a new gf and i beleive he did within weeks if not days after we split. I also beleive hes living with his new gf but he said that he will stay at his mums with our daughter.

He is also moving to his next job in July 5 hours from us? He is never in one place for more than 6 months and he has no residence of his own however he may now be living with new gf as above and her 2 children.

I have convince him to meet up next week to have a chat as we have been at loggerheads threating me with the courts etc i have said i am willing to do mediation but hes not

Not to sure what to do i only want whats best for our daughter i have no interest in him or his new relationship if it will benefit our daughter then i will do anything.

Dont know what to suggest to him is it best to just do day visits for the time being or 1 overnight stay He works night's and im still on mat leave so i am happy to take my daughter to see him to spend time with him.

What and when is it best to let my daughter to stay over night esp from fri to mon ? She starts full time nursery next month so she would miss fri afternoon and monday day once a month if we agree on the above

Also do i have any say in where he takes her ie to the gf or does he have a right to have her staying at this new gf house

Not heard from the majority of his family and he keeps saying she needs to get to know his family but they know they are welcome anytime at mine never heard from them when he also left me when i was 4 months pregnant and he returned just when i was about to give birth.

Sorry for all the questions but im so confused what to do for the best

I imagine he thinks you are pushover travelling all that way and will do what he wants...I imagine that is the point of meeting.

I think you need to be clear in your head what is ok for your DD..What you have offered seems reasonable..

I have been in the past on so many different occassions so i need to be strong this time.

Hughesy why are you travelling to him?

I can see that you want to sort things out, but reading your posts he's taking you for a ride and as a pp said, possibly just using the meeting on Weds as a way to see how high you'll jump (i.e. by travelling to him not the other way round), and once you've travelled all that way he's likely to bully you into agreeing to things that you don't want - and that he actually wouldn't get through mediation/courts? Can't see how the meeting is in your interest. As you say he's had and still has all the opportunity in the world to come and meet with you and see his daughter.

Why don't you want to go to court - call his bluff?

I was suppose to do mediation last week but postpone it as he agreed to meet he didnt know about mediation as they said not to say anything as he refused to do this with me when i mentioned it.
Then he started saying he wanted to pick our daughter up after working a nightshift and i said he couldnt as it was too dangerous (he said that he sleeps at work) but i refused so he said he would pick her up in the afternoon then he said i want to bring her back monday 4pm as he starts his nightshift at 630. I think he thinks our daughter needs to fit around his life when it should be the other way round.
When he moves in june/july which will be 5 hours away he said we will need to look at something else ill bet hell be asking me to drive to his parents 2 hours + away from mine
I just dont want to be bullied into something im not going to be comfortable with.
He said that he had spoken to a solicitor and they said he would get joint custody because he has all of his family around him and i dont have any immediate family near me although they are always willing to help and are only 40 minutes away.
Im not to sure if hes just trying to scare me as he doesnt have a house of his own and he lives in b and bs with his work all over the country moving jobs every 6 months sometimes even less.
Then because i didnt respond he then said he was entitled to so much more and that he will have the last laugh.
I didnt respond to this either so now we are meeting
If i dont feel comfortable i will just leave on Wednesday
I only want whats best for our daughter but i seem to be making all the compromises and at the moment im not comfortable with her going all that way for 3 nights i think it needs to be done in her own environment whilst he is close by and see how we go.

Hughesy I might not be able to reply again until this eve as looking after my DD but didn't want to just read and run.

Hopefully others on here who have been through the mediation/court process or now about it will be able to help you more with that, it's not something I've had to handle as DD's dad doesn't want to know.

However for what's it's worth from reading your post:

• he sounds like a complete bully
• I"d like to say I"m confident that what he's trying to scare you with is just that (bullying), and based on what you have said it's highly unlikely he'll get joint custody or anything like it. He may or may not have been anywhere near a Solicitor. But as I say I don't know.
• why put yourself in a situation where you are likely to be bullied? With mediation he own't be able to bully you and I'm guessing that's why he doesn't like the idea. It sounds like the best one for you.
• if he is the one moving away he might be the one asked to travel to see his child (if it goes to court) - hopefully others on here can confirm that
• please make sure you are keeping ALL of his messages in case this does go to court, and write down anything said verbally to you with the context, dat and time

If it was me, my 9 month old would NEVER have been going away from me in the circumstances you are describing. Her DF would AT LEAST have had to turn up for regular visits in my presence, then without me, then extend the time to MAYBE overnight but only after she was at least a year old.. and I would not like to say a whole weekend before 18 months or more (and only then if regular reliable contact had been established). Otherwise, think of it from the child's point of view - they are being taken away from the only care giver they know, to a strange place, being introduced to lots more strange people. In a baby's brain, isn't that highly traumatising - not knowing where mummy is or when/if she's coming back? (and this is the attachment stage too) And if he cares about his daughter why on earth would he want to do that to her? It's not what's best for her, is it?

I think you are aware, that you have the power in this situation and need to use it to protect yourself and your daughter. You might want to 'be nice' but if he is going to use that to walk all over you, that's no good. Be strong.

email offering him contact. keep a record of what you have offered and whether he has resonded. state why it is in the best interests of the child to see him the way you have offered. (eg he has not seen her for 7 weeks and she sdoes not know him)

for babies it would be sensible to do little and often with the primary carer... especially for a nine month old who is slap bang in the middle of the separation anxiety phase developmentally, and for little babies.

if he goes to court he will have to convince the judge why his preferred set up is in the best interests of the child. given that he has not seen the child for seven weeks then it will be more difficult.

I would offer a schedule of visits (a couple of options preferably) which shows you are willing to build up contact as the child gets older and is more comfortable with him.

Did you meet him this week?

He's lying about seeing a solicitor. I've been the father in this equation, my solicitor's advice centred entirely around avoiding court and seeing my baby little and often at the mother's residence were she amenable.

There is no way a court would award what he's threatening unless there were serious welfare concerns, and those would have to be pretty grim indeed.

For reference I had my child on overnights from 5 months old by mutual agreement with mum, and everything's worked out fine.

You couldn't be being much more reasonable given the circumstances. He's just going to have to grow up. Just enjoy being a Mum and save any correspondence.