A mother without her child

[PhoenixFlies]

I don't know if this belongs in here but I need to start somewhere...

Please forgive the self pity but I am in a great deal of pain.

I recently left my husband who is now applying for a divorce. My 5 yr old son remained with his dad as I am unable to support him either emotionally or financially. I know this is what is best for him but as a mother, the decision is killing me. He is my only child and I miss him so much that I don't know if I go on without him. I carried him and my life changed forever when he was born. He is my world and the biggest thing I am struggling with is guilt. I feel so incredibly guilty for abandoning him, particularly as I left 3 days before his 5th birthday.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation? What do I do? How can I rid myself of this guilt? I cannot live like this.

Hal

I am a father looking after 2 Children - I would like to just add that it is not only a mother who feels the pain of a split - A father has just as strong a bond as a mother, and in some cases more so. I feel for you I really do - But I do not buy into this feeling that the children should be with the mother.

Both mum and dad brought the children into existence, and both of them have the same responsibility to make sure those children are given the best start possible in life - ideally this is shared in a loving home - but more often than not this is not the case.

But dad has just as much right to feel that pain as mum and to contribute and provide for his children in whatever means necessary.

I'm sorry you are in pain and struggling with your mental health. I hope you are getting professional support.

You say you feel guilty and that you have abandoned your child and that people say 'a mother should never leave their child' But you also say that you know that the current custody arrangement is what is best for your son.

Firstly on the abandoning. Many parents split up and residency of the child is split other than 50/50. This does not mean the parent with less than 50/50 has abandoned the child. It's not the case with other people (I'm sure you don't consider that the case with other people) and it is not the case with you.

So you don't have to feel guilty with regards to 'abandoning' your child. You have not abandoned him you have just split up with his father, a very common occurrence.

'a mother should never leave their child' - again you have not left your child. You have split with the father and you have contact as is appropriate at this time, you agree. While it is true that the female parent is more often the primary caregiver and more often the parent who has most custody after a split this is not always the case. But because it is most common/traditional some people view not living with the mother a greater 'shame' for the child than not living with the father. But both parents can give care to a child and you say that your ex is a good parent. You know that your child is being well looked after.

So you have no need to feel guilt on this matter.

When a couple split up, if you have read threads on here, you know that both parents will always be urged to put the needs of the child first, above their own desires, needs, or ill-feeling towards their ex, even when the ex is being an arse. In this case you say he is not being an arse but a good parent. So according to your posts the current arrangement is what is best for your son. You could have made things a lot more messy by fighting for custody even though you apparently are not up to taking on that role at this time or running away with your son and trying to deny his father access. But you didn't you stepped away despite your own pain because you put your son first, which is exactly what parents are urged to do.

So you have no need to feel guilt on this count either.

That said I'm sure all parents who split up feel some guilt about what effect the split has on their child and whatever any of us say you will not be able to entirely shake it off.

Good luck on your road to recovery and in your future relationship with your son.

Thank you so much for all your support. There has clearly been quite some thought and care gone into some responses and I really appreciate it. Such is the kindness of strangers.

Aw bless you, I really feel how hard this has been for you. It seems to me that you are doing the very best thing for your little one. You have confidence the dad is loving and can provide a great deal - you haven't just dumped little one and swanned off at all. Like others have said, you can work towards greater access in time and as for now just being consistent with access visits is the best you can do. Guilt is always there for me in some form, part of being a mother. If you feel your ex is the best for your little one right now then you have done such a brave thing by allowing that to happen despite your own hurt.x

Mental illness can make you believe that your child would be better of with someone else.
Also your child is not better of because his df is financial secure, you would be able to support your ds with benefits / a job if possible and maintenance.
There are obviously reasons why a child is better of with their df but not the above , unless the child is harmed by their mothers mental
health.
Are you aiming for 50/50 care op?