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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can't cope with ex being at my house with the kids all weekend..

50 replies

BelleBoyd · 09/11/2015 12:59

My soon to be ex husband ( separated for over a year now ) and I don't have a formal contact agreement. He refuses to. He never has the kids at his house or overnight. He sees the kids every weekend and takes them out for a couple of hours max under duress on Saturday and Sunday. He arrives when he likes. We always agree a time but every single time he's late and I have to chase him. He always wants me to come with him and the kids wherever he takes them. There are always rows about absolutely everything but mainly as he is here in the house for hours often watching tv with them whilst they get bored or on his phone or sometimes he even falls asleep! This weekend he didn't turn up on Sunday morning at all to take my daughter swimming as he'd been up late the night before. He said that was my fault for upsetting him the day before. We had a row about toddler beds..!
I've asked him, written to him even countless times to try and sort out an arrangement but he just won't even consider sticking to one and demands to see the kids here in the house. He says it's better for them.
I am considering trying to ask/tell him I want a weekend without him to try and have one weekend without the arguing. I can't remember enjoying a weekend and I'm sick of it. Not to mention I'm also upset and feel terrible about the children having to put up with the chaos and tension.
I'd go down a legal route if I thought it would work but that would be costly and there is no way he'd keep to any arrangement made legally. I can't go to court every week when he doesn't adhere..
Feel desperate about it all.

OP posts:

Friendlystories · 10/11/2015 10:37

You don't need his agreement to any of it! Just send him a message outlining what you want to happen and he can take it or leave it. Any arguments from him respond with 'that's what's on offer' and keep sending the same response whatever he comes back with, don't get drawn into any further discussion. When he brings the kids back you have a few options to stop him coming in, your mum is one, having your coat on and claiming you're going straight out is another, blocking the door with your body and saying 'can't stop to chat have friends visiting' might work but could backfire if kids go in first and loudly proclaim 'there's no one here mummy' before he's left I think if your mum's not available you just have to block the door once the kids are in and say you can't stop to chat because you're busy. He won't like it and is bound to question the change in you but you just need to be firm and let him know your life is no longer his business. If he uses the kids as emotional blackmail just breezily tell them, sorry kids Daddy can't stay for now but he'll see you soon. It's all going to feel very weird to start with while you learn to stand up to him but it has to be done, it doesn't seem to have quite registered with him yet that he has no rights or control over you anymore, you need to fix that.

Friendlystories · 10/11/2015 10:42

The neutral drop off idea is great if either/both of you have a car, not so good if you're on foot as it's difficult to stop him just deciding to walk back with you. Definitely do this if you drive though, once the kids are in the car you can be away and he can't stop you.

purpledasies · 10/11/2015 11:33

Can you make an excuse for something you need to do with the kids as soon as he drops them back - eg pop out to post a letter, or give them tea? Or have someone else with you when he comes round so it's clear you're busy -eg a friend with kids, or your mum?

But you need to spell it out to him - that you don't like him coming into your home and hanging around, that it's not helping you to feel like it's your space, and that he's now a (part-time) single parent, not a part-time member of a family that includes you.

Is him having the kids at his place completely off the agenda? Would be a better option, especially as it gets into winter, than him taking them out every time. Otherwise he's going to be turning up when it's raining and saying he can't take them out, so if you don't let him in he can't see them, etc.

Lonecatwithkitten · 10/11/2015 12:23

You say soon to be ExH so are you starting the divorce process? If so you will need to complete a child arrangements form, you could use needing to have everything written for the court to get him to mediation.

Once at mediation everything you are very reasonably proposing will seem very reasonable to the mediator particularly when you explain how upset your DD gets when he doesn't turn up on time. Almost certainly they will support your position regular consistent contact away from your home enabling your children to build a strong relationship alone with their father. This will help you to feel confident in your new approach.
Personally I stand blocking the entrance to the house and try to have a meal ready when my DD returns so that I can say 'run on through and wash your hands as dinner is ready'. Then I turn to ExH 'goodbye see you next X at Y.'

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 10/11/2015 12:50

Haven't started divorce proceedings yet as I'm waiting for it to be 2 years separation as I thought it would be easier to do legally?..I'm very worried about the cost as I've not got much to spend. And I know he'll be massively combative.
I have tried the dropping off somewhere neutral-was in a car park but we waited over an hour and it was my daughters birthday ??

OP posts:

purpledasies · 10/11/2015 12:52

I don't think you can go for 2 years separation unless he agrees can you? Isn't it 5 years if one of you doesn't agree? :(

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 10/11/2015 12:53

Oh and no he won't take them to his place. Has the excuse it's dangerous-no stair gates etc. which obviously he could fit in an hour..Also it's really filthy there with no toys or proper furniture. He lives like a student still and also has a younger male flat mate. I've asked him for over a year to get it sorted so he could have them there. But he hasn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 10/11/2015 12:54

Oh god is it 5 years?? Didn't know that. Will research. Just don't know how I'll afford it.

OP posts:

TwoTwoOneBravo · 10/11/2015 13:39

You can start divorce proceedings immediately if your grounds are unreasonable behaviour or adultery. I'm using unreasonable behaviour to divorce my ex.

starlight2007 · 10/11/2015 15:01

The none commitment to a time is not fair on the little ones.. I would tell him you want some structure for the children... Tell him if he is not there by ....You will be going out..Ensure this stuff is documented then yes..Go out for a few weeks..Tell him you will be back at .....

If he doesn't want to see them all this cajoling won't help long term... I ended up telling my ex if he missed contact he would have to wait till next contact which was a fortnight later....He didn't really care though so it made no difference.

TheOnlyColditz · 10/11/2015 15:03

This was my life, but it doesn't have to be this way.

Don't let him into your house again. Just put your foot down, say you have a man round, and don't let him through the door. He will soon arrange proper contact if he wants it, and if he doesn't this proves he is only coming to your house to control you in the first place.

PrincessHairyMclary · 10/11/2015 19:39

I don't know how it stands as presumably both your names ore on the lease/mortgage but the police told me that if my ex turned up on my doorstep unannounced or stayed longer than I was happy with then I should ring them. However, this was after he broke my parents front door after he wa told he couldn't see DD as she was sick ( I had texted him several times during the day to let him know she was ill but apparently he didn't get them).

Dungandbother · 10/11/2015 22:34

You can divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Something as simple as he didn't pull his weight with the housework and I don't love him anymore.

It's £400 odd to petition a divorce (be the person requesting the divorce).
Mediation is around £1000 but I think you need it, he seems like an arse so it's not going to be a mutual happily split.

But there's no hurry if you're worried. But all the court paperwork does have arrangements for the children where you state when where and how long contact is for. You can download those forms from the internet so perhaps you can give them to him and tell him in no uncertain terms he has to set rigid timings.

Will see if I can find a link

Dungandbother · 10/11/2015 22:37

www.jordanpublishing.co.uk/system/uploads/attachments/0002/0825/D8A.pdf

Hope that works.

Mind you, it does state about in agreement between you. He is going to say I don't agree which is why you need mediation as they will point out to him he is an arse!

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 11/11/2015 05:45

Thanks dungandbother that's really interesting to see. I can't afford those fees at the moment but hope to possibly next year when I can work more/have more childcare. Yes he probably wouldn't agree but what's even more frustrating is he may agree and certainly in front of a mediator would agree and then have no intention of compling. I know you could then go to court if he doesn't but what a pain every week if so. That's tbh why I'm not in a big rush as I know legal arrangements wouldn't make him buckle down to an arrangement.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 11/11/2015 17:15

You seem intimidated by him so this might take a great shift In Your thought patterns to stand up to him
But think of it as standing up for your dcs it isn't fair him messing them about and confusing them
So, keep them in your mind and when your mum is there and she is willing to help you set new boundaries then you can make a plan and stick to it
It will be tough but can do it for the sake of your dcs and your mental health!

Dungandbother · 11/11/2015 19:46

I can see it's really tough.
Do you think he knows it bothers you? You need to turn the table and become the stronger person. I am guessing you threw him out?

Garner that inner strength. Jut your chin out! Read all those annoying poster status on Facebook

You are not responsible for giving him a relationship with his DC. Only he is responsible for that.

You are not responsible for him full stop and you can not change him, only yourself. So stop trying to change him in any way. No facilitating.

You're the amazing mum who WILL pick up the pieces and kiss them better when he lets them down. But you have to let him fail rather than prop him up.

PetronellaOsgood · 12/11/2015 18:35

Ok, were contact is concerned, do not let him in your house, that is your and the children's space now.
Tell him a time the children are available for contact eg 2pm till 4pm Saturday afternoon. Have both children dressed, ready, coats on etc for 2pm. If he arrives on time take the children straight to the door and out they go. You also go out, sit in a coffee shop, whatever, but don't be home until contact time is over. When he brings them home, usher the children in and close the door immediately.
If he does not arrive for contact by 2.15pm you and the children go out, you do not wait around for him, you do not answer any calls or texts from him. If he can not reliably turn up on time then he misses out.
Repeat every single time until it sinks in.
I've been where you are so I know how tough it is, but you have to be strong. Good luck

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 12/11/2015 18:37

Thanks. I'm going to try and implement all these suggestions.

OP posts:

Itsokispeakdumbass · 12/11/2015 18:54

He's controlling you & that needs to stop. You poor thing I thought I had it bad.
Exh is in a flat & can't/won't have the kids there so does all his parenting here. We are relatively amicable but it winds me up so much that
I have no time to myself
I still have to prepare meals for a fucking EX
He still has a key & lets himself in when he likes
Turns up unannounced
Falls asleep on the sofa
Reads the paper/takes no notice of the kids
And all this is because he gives me the guilt trip about the kids missing out on 'family time' & although I pay the mortgage now he still pays the bills so I can't see how I can argue.
Only way out I can see is to sell & split get two houses so no one else least of all him has my fucking door key!!!!

CrushedCan · 15/11/2015 17:42

What I would do is give the kids to him with a bag tell him he JD them for the weekend and just be off! No way in hell would I let my ex sit about my house on my weekends off - you need to be more firm sounds like he's just making a fool of you!

starlight2007 · 15/11/2015 20:07

How have things gone this weekend?

Original poster

BelleBoyd · 16/11/2015 05:44

Much better this weekend. He had them over to his place ( he'd put in stair gates, etc..) for a couple of hours yesterday which is massive progress.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 16/11/2015 06:09

That's brilliant belle :)

Ataraxy · 30/11/2015 16:55

I took my DC to swimming and ex would arrive to pick them up from there. Worked much better as, like you, when we first separated he would waltz in the house and rummage through the drawers for things to take.

So I bought a tin of paint and redid the hallway. A simple change of colour (and me blocking his way in) brought him up short and stopped than nonsense.

Glad you sorted the weekend.

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