advice needed about being a single parent

[octobersunshine]

I'd love to hear advice from people or from anyone who's had a similar experience.

I've just found out I'm in the early stages of pregnancy. I'm 27, live in London and have a decent job in politics. I'm no longer with the father of the baby as we moved to different cities and found a long distance relationship difficult to contend with. He's also a difficult man to pin down and I know he wasn't faithful throughout our relationship. Despite that, I still love him.

My initial inclination is to keep the baby. In many ways, it may not seem a rational move, given my relationship status and the cost of renting and raising a child in London alone. I come from a typically middle class family where people do things the right way - career, marriage, babies - and I don't think my decision would sit easily with them.

Despite the hurdles and knowing I'd be raising a baby alone, the thought of an abortion seems increasingly difficult to me. Several years ago, I lived in South America and had to access an illegal abortion, and the psychological scars have stayed with me since.

I would love to hear from anyone who's brought a baby up alone, especially in London, how you've coped, anyone who's lived in a single parent flat share, or anyone who just has a few words of wisdom or guidance with the judgement I might face from the people I know. I know it's an especially difficult time at the moment to be a single parent and I need to know that my inclination to keep the baby will be ok...

Sorry to directly quote, I'm not having a go but I just want to point this out.

I haven't faced any stigma tbh. But then I am older, in a well-paying job and with a degree of seniority. So maybe I don't fit the "those single parents" stereotype very well.

I never met any stigma in London as a single parent. Having a mc background and a good job probably helps with that.

I feel these comments actually prove my point and from 'within the ranks' as it were, the stigma is there because it's more acceptable to be a single parent if you are mc, employed well etc. Like I said, it's just more subtle.

I live in London, a very nice part, and too come from a very upper middle class family where my pregnancy at 25 (despite being married to his father) was seen as a complete disappointment and shock to my famiy.

I divorced him at 27 and have been a single parent since. I am now early 30's

Tips for you:
Ask the dad for all his contact details and what provisions he is putting in place for a financial agreement.
Pass on all details to a solicitor and ask the solicitor to draw up an official agreement.
If the father refuses to do this, set up an account with the CSA immediately.

Being a single parent is hard but much easier if money is in place. Especially in London.

Live somewhere cheap until your child is four and try to save money, then move to a more expensive area with good schools

PM me if you would like to talk privately xx

OP you don't mention your ex's family much. Did you ever meet them? Where do they live? Do you know anything about them? They might surprise you and be supportive and helpful, you never know. Just because you and their son aren't married this DC will be their GC and often GPs do want to be involved.

30% of £300 is much more affordable than the full amount - that's less than £100 a week AND your DC would then be right there where you work, so in theory you'd able to pop in and see him/her if you had time, possibly BF during the day, and I would think that would be much nicer than dropping the baby with a CM and not seeing them all day.

I'm not a LP, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't think there is a huge stigma about LPs any more. I know a few and its honestly no big deal. Plus just under 50% of marriages fail over their lifetimes, so its really very, very common for DC to be raised by one parent. I hope your family turn out to be supportive - most come around - even if they're a bit shocked initially. My cousin has had two DC as a single mum (both conceived with donor sperm, so no father at all in their lives), and my aunt and uncle (both MC professionals and very traditional), are utterly devoted to their GC.

cain I think we were making the exact same point as you.

FWIW I also do quite a lot of work with Gingerbread so am well aware that the problem is out there and that I am protected from it to a degree.

If you're eligible for tax credits, then you should also be able to claim 70% of the childcare costs back from tax credits

Tax Credits are worked on a 'means tested' basis so being eligible to receive Tax Credits doesn't make you eligible to receive 'all' Tax Credits, including 70% of childcare.

OP - London and the South East generally is tough from a financial point of view. Where are your family? I would do some research with the turn2us website and see what you may be eligible for in terms of Tax Credit and other benefits - remembering that whatever it spews out now will be reduced by at least £1.5k pa in April next year.

Your career clearly relies on you being in London. Give some serious thought to how you might be able to adapt what you do to other fields of work which may give you a cheaper place to live and therefore a greater quality of life overall, particularly longer term. It is worth running the worst case scenario cases through - what if you are single for the next 18 years? how will you manage childcare? illness of both you and your child? housing? transport? savings and a pension? upgrading your home? Not because I'm trying to scare-monger but because if you try and think it through properly, nothing will surprize you and you'll be able to come at it fighting. Way too many single parents are getting to the point where their children leave home and ending up having to down-grade or struggle to pay bills because they haven't worked on their own careers and suddenly find the Tax Credits stop. If you might need to re-train (teaching if you speak Spanish?), do it in the first 3 years whilst you are able to claim benefits - after that, it gets far more difficult to acheive because the expectation is that you are working, single or not. The replacement to Tax Credits - Universal Credit - is set to hit lower waged, part-time single parents quite hard so do look at that too.

It sounds like you've decided to keep the baby so congratulations! Keep a cool head and plan your future as if you will always be alone and it will all work out, I'm sure. Your family will be delighted, even if they need a bit of time to get used to the idea.