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problems with my ex's girlfriend!

44 replies

joselyne · 27/11/2006 10:29

My ex husband had an affair with the woman he now lives with. We split up 2 years ago, I never really gave him any hassle, just let him get on with things. I've always let him have regular contact with our 2 kids (every other wk end). He's getting married to his girlfriend in April, I'm glad he's getting on with his life, as am I and you would have thought that after 2 years things would be ok between us, we could get on for the sake of the children but oh no!! The reason being because his girlfriend is an absolute control freak. It's pretty obvious that she controls every aspect of his life which is up to him if he wants to live his life like that but when it comes down to things concerning the children it just takes the mick. For example, I've just seen a letter addressed to her from the CSA, about the maintenance I get for my children. What the hell's that go to do with her? Now its coming up to Christmas and we'll be sorting out the arrangements for when he'll have the kids and if I don't comply with what she wants me to do then i'll start to receive nasty text messages that she writes but sends from his phone, they were so horrid that I was getting jumpy and panicy every time my text message bleeped, I know its her because some of the words used in it he wouldn't even think of, let alone be able to spell (not being nasty but thats the truth!!) plus he's admitted to me it's her. Me and him can discuss something to do with the children and agree on it but you can guarantee that when he gets home and tells her what we've arranged, she disagrees with it and less than an hour later I'll have a phone call with him having a "mysterious" change of heart and if i don't agree, they just hound me and make life miserable until I give in. Anyway the list could go on and on forever.
I wonder if anyone can give me some advice on this as I can't go on having to do what she wants and having her interferring with my childrens lives where it doesn't concern her. The thing is she's very clever and is always one step ahead of me. But what I don't understand is why does she bother? Please help.

OP posts:
joselyne · 27/11/2006 13:24

Believe me I never mention her.

She just manages to weave her way into everything. She even phoned ds's pre-school once and managed to get info out of them cos she was speaking to an inexperienced helper. It seems as though she has got all angles covered.

The only way I can see out of this is to move away. I used to live 5 minutes from them so moved us about 10 miles away which hasn't solved anything. How far am I gonna have to go?

OP posts:
doormat · 27/11/2006 13:26

she phoned the school
did you make a complaint against school
as they should not give out any info at all to others

does she work
if so
phone her work and leave messages

start being a pita back

cyrilsquirrel · 27/11/2006 14:15

I am so angry reading this.

I really, really feel so bad for you.

MONDAYANDBLUE · 27/11/2006 15:04

Does your ex know his child is upset at not being invited - I feel so cross about this on your behalf and your DCs

sandydut · 27/11/2006 15:10

Can't believe people are suggesting you deny your ex access to his children. It is not right in my view to use the children as a weapon.

wannaBe1974 · 27/11/2006 15:14

I would go to the preschool, and the school and leave very explicit instructions that you, and only you, are allowed info re your children. In fact I would go so far as to give them a password that they have to ask for to ensure that it is you they are talking to. I would speak to the CSA and say that they have no right to be dealing with her as she has no responsibility for your children. And given that they don't seem to listen to reason, I'd start leaving messages at her office, along the lines of "you would like to talk to her about the position she has applied for"... "would like to discuss her job offer and whether she has yet resigned from her job ..."

doormat · 27/11/2006 15:17

wannabe you and I think alike LOL

bubblebell1 · 27/11/2006 16:49

sandy, i dont think the others are suggesting using the children as a weapon. it is clear that joses' ex is the one allowing his current partner use his children as pawns in her war against whoever. children have feelings too and from personal experience.. mine not my ds' i would of rathered my mother to of stopped access.

jose i think that you do need to try and be firm altho if this woman is supposed to be intelligent then dont get nasty just get even xxxx all the best xxx

Tinkerbel5 · 27/11/2006 16:55

Joselyn your ex's puppet master is bullying you, dont let her !!!

agree with other posters, you have to get tough and start doing it now, for the sake of your children.

this woman needs putting in her place, your children are yours and your ex's and any access or financial arrangements are between you 2 only, if the bitch dont like it then tough

as for the csa and the school saga, I would contact your solicitor and inform him/her of what this woman has done, maybe a letter sent to her might calm her down and blunt her claws.

you go girl

joselyne · 27/11/2006 18:25

gonna sit back and think of my next plan of action.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 28/11/2006 10:00

joselyne what did you do with regards to the csa, did you make a complaint ?

I would start off by doing that, cause if the PM can get the information that she did the first time, she can get it again.

also, keep any nasty texts messages you get from her as they can be used in evidence, she can pretend they arent from her if she does it from you ex's phone, but he can be held responsible and Im sure he wont risk losing the access to his kids if its made to look like the texts come from him.

I think that you children not being invited to your ex's wedding is disgusting, is he really happy about this ?

sounds like this woman dont want your kids around, so play it smart, be nice but be on your guard and play devious if you have to

good luck xx

anniemac · 28/11/2006 10:22

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anniemac · 28/11/2006 10:26

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Surfermum · 28/11/2006 11:27

I agree, if you start being antagonistic back you're playing into her hands. I would though record all the messages and maybe get them recorded by the police, and I would look further into why the CSA are writing to her.

I suspect that she's happier when the two of you are fighting, and it unnerves her when you aren't. Maybe she isn't that secure in her relationship with your xp and she's worried that you two getting on means you might get back together again.

It's funny, I'm in the reverse position. I get accused of controlling dh by his x. It just isn't the case, but it's how she chooses to see it (I'm not saying you are btw!). I type out a list of dates for the year every January which dh and I decide them between us. It's typed so we each have a copy and she can read it (dh's writing is awful), and I also need to know when we are going have dsd so I can book our holidays and time off work when dsd is with us.

It does sound in your case though that she's overstepping the mark. Dh's x's xp used to this and caused no end of trouble between dh and his x. I even wonder if they would ever had needed to go to court for a contact order if he hadn't been involved.

Rocklover · 28/11/2006 15:11


I am appalled at this thread as it seems your ex H has no regard for his DC at all. I DO think you should consider reducing access, not to get back at DH or his silly bitch, but to protect your children. Until the behavior of ex and new partner is resolved, the kids should not really be witnessing it, or be used as part of it.

Any plan of action you decide on needs to be the best thing for the kids first and foremost and obviously for you. It sounds like you need to get tough, but stay civil and just put a stop to all this nonsense. Just my tuppence worth, HTH.

joselyne · 29/11/2006 16:59


Thanx everyone for all of your advice, it's been really helpful and has given me alot to think about.

I haven't yet tackled the CSA about the letter in "HER" name cos as a friend pointed out to me it is probably best to write a letter to them and send it by recorded post so they can't say that they haven't received it. As with a phone call they'll try and fob me off from department to department and who's to say that months down the line if I need to refer to that call they probably won't have any record of it.

I agree that she is trying to be antagonistic but what I don't understand is why, when I never show them how much she pisses me off because I know that if I do she would enjoy it.

As for is exh happy about not having his own kids at his wedding well your guess is as good as mine. She seems to have taken over so much of him that I don't think he has or is allowed to have thoughts and feelings of his own. when we speak to each other it's like I'm talking to her just via him. It's like talking to a robot that has been programmed on what to say and do. His own family say that they don't know who he is anymore.

My first line of action towards them will be to stick firmly to our routine. He is due to have them on the weekend before Christmas(bring them back on xmas eve) and he also wants them on boxing day, well the wkend is fine because thats his normal time but as for any extras- no way.
They made the build up to last xmas hell for me because he wanted to pick them up at 8am on boxing day and I said that it was too early he could pick them up at 10am. Well it was like world war 3 breaking out cos I wouldn't let them get their own way.

Anyway will keep you posted as to what happens next xxxxxxx

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 29/11/2006 17:35

joselyne send a copy of 'that letter' with your letter to the CSA, that way they cant deny sending it to her, and they cant accidently lose the copy they had

anniemac · 30/11/2006 09:30

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WhizzBangCaligula · 01/12/2006 13:03

Sounds like this woman needs to be given enough rope to hang herself. I agree with everyone who says don't turn nasty, if you're not a naturally nasty person, you're never going to do nastiness as well as someone who is, so it's a game you'll lose. Just keep strong, dignified and nice as pie to XH - it'll make her frantic with insecurity and resentment and make their domestic life as unhappy as they deserve.

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