No social life of my own whatsoever

[equinox]

Hello all

Is it just me that stays in night on night through no fault of my own? How come 90 per cent of single parents can go out the whole time as they have a helpful family on hand. I have no helpful family even on the planet and I already shell out a great deal on childcare as well as keeping the car on the road I have very little left to play with month on month.

On top of that it looks like the ex may be losing his job in a few months so my maintenance will go down the swanny. Having said that he has always paid these past 9 years since we split up when our boy was 5 months old.

I have found a babysitter and although she is £5 an hour it is still money isn't it. Half of me resents paying for it but I think I will have to start to as I am going stark staring mad.

The only outside life I have is going food shopping or a Buddhist meeting.

I just can't carry on like this. Of course this time of year it is great going out with our children as the weather is good so at least that is cheery. I have had life pass me by for 9 long years now.

Last year I had the chance to go to a school reunion back in Suffolk where I grew up but I couldn't go as although I had a friend to go and stay overnight with I didn't trust my ex with our boy to have him overnight as he has been hitting him the past couple of years so even that option has now been completely deleted.

It looks like I will have to try to find endless fivers for my wellbeing or I will go stark staring mad.

If you can't go out and socialise in the summers then when??!

I would be interested in any views and life experiences!

I don't see 16-year-olds as fully adult, more as in a transition stage to adulthood, but in law they are allowed to have sex, get married, join the army, leave home etc.

I want my DCs to be confident, competent, independent young adults when they leave school and (I presume) leave home for university or gap years, and I think allowing a gradual increase in independence and responsibilities from the pre-teen years onwards is the way to achieve that, rather than seeing them as children until their 18th birthdays and suddenly adults the next day.

DD will be 18 when she leaves school, but DS will only be 17 as he has an August birthday. I was only 17 and 5 months when I left school after A-levels (I skipped a year of school so was a year young) and I was perfectly capable of working, travelling, looking after myself and living independently in a foreign country.

Anyway, this is all getting rather off topic, but after your rather categorical 'don't leave a 12-year-old alone' response to the OP, I thought I'd give a different view.

I would have moved back to the south ages ago had I been able to afford it which I simply can't.

That said there are lots of advantages to living here just the lack of social options being the most problematic.

I agree with those who have posted about gradual babysitting. I will make an informed decision at the time. Most likely bringing in a babysitter for the second half of the evening and allowing my boy to be alone for 90 mins. alone first then gradually building up. Other single parents have advised me that way also in real life.

Thank you for the ideas however most have been carefully considered already. I was just interested to hear from others who have also experienced the same non existent social life through a lack of childcare and affordability.

Cheers.

I really can't see the problem with leaving a 12 year old at home, assuming your home is not a particularly dangerous place for any reason. Leaving them in the evening is no more dangerous than leaving them in the day. In fact, if there is a problem then the neighbours are more likely to be in and able to help. My just 12 year old happily spends days at home by herself while I am at work and she is on holiday. We don't bother to phone each other either. I would happily leave a child for a couple of hours in the evening, with a phone as back-up and neighbours nearby, from the age of 9 or so. That's the length of one DVD.

I'm feeling really angry tonight at a society with lots of single mothers unsupported by the fathers either financially or practically and stuck at home. I too work and have no cash or time for going out.

I know lots of fathers who either don't pay maintenance or do but still and have a fabulous life filled with fun holidays and activities whilst the mother struggles to manage work, bringing up the child and doesn't have the carefree fun existence. WTF has changed for women in the last 50 yrs.

We are still second class

Wellsaid front pisses me right off !

The government should be introducing more sanctions by docking the absent father's salaries direct at source and imposing fines for non payment also. Naturally however there would have to be some kind of proof that the father was the actual biological father - perhaps the fact that they were on the birth certificate would be sufficient evidence. In all other cases some sort of medical or legal confirmation could be brought into place but I am not sure how that would pan out.

It's hard isn't it? I am in the same position. I have my children 100% of the time. Ex not interested.

I managed to find a babysitter but because my two dc have special needs she charged £10 an hour. The first time I went out for an evening with a friend, by the time I had paid for a meal, drinks, taxis and her hourly rate I had spent over £100! She has moved now anyway and I haven't managed to find anyone to replace her.

It will be years and years before I have a social life again by which time I will no longer have the energy to enjoy it.

So sorry I have no advice but I know how it feels.

I don't think financial sanctions are enough although they are vital to stop the inequality that women currently suffer. I'd like to see a very conscious campaign to make boys grow up believing that fatherhood is not optional.

The current situation means many boys grow up with a role model of no father in their lives. Many girls assume that childcare is their responsibility along with working and suffering financial hardship. How bloody tragic is that.

The govt thinks changing the CSA system will save money. It will allow more men to evade all responsibility. It will pervade society so that fatherhood is an option. Imagine if motherhood was? Imagine the outcry?

I agree men repulse me sometimes they have no idea what it’s like. I’m single mum with no help nothing my own mother up and left us to move abroad. My children’s fathers play no part all. And family members say I can ask if I need a babysitter but I feel otherwise they just say that. I feel annoyed but learned not to ask for help just suck it up it’s isolated lonely life for me.

I was in that situation. Being friendly with a few people in the same circumstances helped: we used to meet with the children an evening a month, the children had a great time and we had time for some adult conversation. It didn’t need to be expensive, we rotated which house to meet in and the host just needed to do a simple dish for everyone (normally pasta or supermarket pizza)

We also had days out on Sundays when most single parents with no family around were likely to be bored at home. We didn’t do anything expensive, picnic or coffee at the park, bike ride, forest walks or anything that took us into the fresh air.

Nights were, of course, lonely, but again, I have a lot of friends abroad so we often had a coffee over the phone at night while they were having their lunch break, commuting, etc. We could talk for hours about anything from recipes to what on Earth was going on in our lives.

I also had a very responsible babysitter, but cost was an issue and most of my single friends had the same issue so we kept it to “with children” and things were ok.

Now, leaving a 12 yr old child on his own at night to go out is something I wouldn’t do. I could leave DS for the odd hour before 9, and it is not illegal, but subject to scrutiny if something untoward happen. At the end of the day is not the same to say the child was alone at night for a few minutes because the mum had popped out to the supermarket than the child was alone at home fir a few hours while the mum was having a night out. Judgement falls harsher on single mums.

I don’t think I could leave my very sensible child alone at night at that age. I left him from 7-9pm when he was 14, and he rang at 8:30 to say someone was banging on the door very hard and they wouldn’t stop. It is not nice having to tell your child to go and lock themselves in a bedroom while you rush home or call the police.

I don't have any family either, both died when I was much younger from cancer. Been on my own always, I never go out and I only have one friend. Last year I managed to go out about 5 times, this was a record for me. So your no alone.