Advice please from "resident" parents

[RandomMess]

So if you are a lone parent with full time residency of 3 dc between 7 & 12 what sort of "help" would you appreciate (or perhaps pay for if you could afford it):-

Cleaner 2 hours per week
Babysitter who actually did the little jobs that need doing in the evening, clearing up the kitchen general tidying etc.
Take the dc out at the weekend for a day to give you a break

Anything else in particular?

[Pannacotta]

I also think it sounds like you are punishing yourself for wanting to end the marriage and think you should prioritise finding somewhere where the DCs can stay over or if not then do the swap arrangement in the family home.
And re your DH, the separation cannot be primarily about what he wants or what suits him (which seems the case from your posts) but what the DCs need.
Have you talked this through with anyone in RL?

[LineRunner]

You are going to need to continue to parent your children, and I agree that you absolutely must be able to have them stay with you overnight.

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

And what will you do if your ex meets someone else - and you can't go to the children's house.

I know you are disparate but this isn't the answer.

[RandomMess]

It is very easy to say what I need to find but money is finite. I can only afford x amount, around here that doesn't even rent a studio flat, nor can I afford to be tied in to a 12 month contract.

I very much need to make a stand and then really play it by ear.

I appreciate your comments and thoughts.

[Minime85]

when are u going to talk to your partner about it all? is there any chance u could save some money better now and then? are there things you could cancel like gym memberships etc? I know u probably dont want a 12 month contract bit my ex actually got the rent reduced slightly after negotiating as he took a 12 month contract instead of 6.

are u sure u want to be the one leave? until talk to your partner you font 100% know where u stand.

I hope you are ok.

[RandomMess]

I plan to tell him early/mid April - to go at the end of April.

Our outgoings go down by £200 per month after March. I am currently saving as much as I can.

The cost of renting a studio around here is £700 per month, plus agency feed, plus deposit, plus council tax, plus water bills, plus heating.

Then maintenance to pay, run a car minimally or the dc will have to give up their activities (no public transport), oh and eat!!!

I just don't think it's wise to add all of that financial pressure immediately when, for example, he could go to his parents one night per week, it may end up being a temporary seperation, the dc may desperately want to live with me, the dc could agree to share bedrooms so I could move back in either temporarily or longer term.

There is a list of endless possibilities. My H may have let me down hugely, I think he is capable of working at our relationship but unless I take a stand he is going to continue to be an ostrich and ignore how unhappy I am/refuse to consider changing.

I want to give him space to think through what he wants (with professional support). I asked him to do this 4 months ago he said yes then he changed his mind. I am really at a loss as to what else to do, I cannot continue in a marriage where I have no emotional support and we have nothing in common so are no longer a team.

I do not want to start divorce proceedings in order to make him think it through which I think may be the only other option. Living in a house whilst we divorce (which I don't actually want at the moment!) - well that will be fun won't it!

[Minime85]

until you've told him try not to go over and over all the possibilities. once you've told him and know where you are both going it is a day at a time situation.

it sounds very expensive where you are and sorting all the finances out is awful I know.

[RandomMess]

Those are all longer term possbilities.

The reality is that I am telling him that I am moving out into shared accommodation locally because I'm not prepared to live in a "false"/"pretend" marriage. Beyond that I'm not able to think much longer term, but I need to know one way or another where I stand in regards to our marriage and I don't see any other option to find out.

[Minime85]

you sound very strong and that you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. hope things work out for you.

[RandomMess]

Who really knows, it all goes round and around in circles, emotions, logic, rationalisation of the situation, wondering how much happiness does one really deserve in life; and so on it's short term pain for long term gain - hopefully for the dc and me and perhaps even H?

[mathanxiety]

I actually think leaving him to do all the donkey work with three DCs might help focus his mind on everything you have said about lack of support.

If you keep the place clean and liveable he gets all the advantages of having you there with none of the disadvantages he may perceive (nagging about the relationship - not saying this happens but some men perceive more than one mention of anything as nagging - constant reminder that you are not happy and he has failed in some way, etc)

You sound really down and sad and full of despair, if I may say so.

[mathanxiety]

Sorry, posted too soon.

I think you need to let him sort things out on his own. I also agree with all those posters who think you need to get somewhere that can accommodate the children on weekends and not scrimp on that in order to make life more comfy for your H. And yes, what if someone else swans into your house while you are in your bedsit?

Money is finite, but if your H can sit there and see his children deprived of their mother's company because he won't engage with you about the relationship and you feel you have no choice but to go and live somewhere they can't visit, then this needs to be permanent and you need to boot him out of the house and stay there yourself.

[RandomMess]

No-one to stay with at all. I have spoken to a few "friends" in RL.

H currently does the "donkey work" he does his fair share practically it really just is the emotional & supporting side that is completely absent and only in more recent years.

I'm not moving to some awful bedsit. I want to move to a decent house share where I will have other adults to interact with -that has been part of the issue. We have no friends/visitors/family that is bothered - he is happy being completely insular (I am not!).

I don't particularly want to live on my own, I'm not sure that would be good for me - too easy to hide away and cut myself off.

I don't get the big deal why my dc need to be able to spend the night with me from day 1. I can pick them up at breakfast and drop them back at bed time and have them for full days. They may not want this, they may rather chill at their home, in their bedrooms, with their stuff and see me as and when suits them. Certainly the eldest is already a teen in respect of it being friends and activities being her priority.

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

Because despite all your good intentions I think you runa huge rrisk of them feeling rejected by you moving somewhere they can't stay.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with you there Weekends.

RandomMess, this is no business of mine, but have you spoken to a GP about depression at all? You sound utterly defeated. My heart goes out to you.

[RandomMess]

Who ever leaves they are going to feel rejected. We are very much equal parents.

If the lay of the land that I won't be coming back to the marital home then I will obviously look for elsewhere. I seriously hope that even in a house share they won't object to my dc camping out one night per week or so but I don't know until I look and I can't look until I tell H. Everyone around here knows my in laws - nightmare.

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

I wondered about depression - you seem to massively dow play your role in your children's lives.

[RandomMess]

This thread has been very helpful. You have picked up on my emotional detachment.

This really is a big crux of the problem. In order to cope/survive the emotional rejection of my H I have become (once again) very emotional detached.

Somehow I'm not able to be detached from him whilst being available to them. I hope by moving out I will be able to be more emotionally available to them when I see them (which will be most days by default) and I can make a conscious decision to give them 100% of me when I with them.

I don't think I could actually look after them 24/7 and achieve this. There is definitely a huge element that I need to leave to get better. I need to find a way of "being".

I have been through a few years of complete emotional devestation with H. When I think about the hurt my dc are going to go through it breaks my heart but if I don't leave they are going to learn that relationships are all about being emotionally detached from each other - as I did from my parents, and H did from his.

I need to relearn how to parent in a meaningful way and I'm sorry but I can't do that 24/7 I will need lots of respite away from the emotional demands because it's just who I am at the moment. I hope that makes sense.

[Minime85]

I think its very brave and strong of you to admit that is what you need to happen and that its what you need to feel right about things. what you are doing is a big step. I do hope everything works out for u