Advice please from "resident" parents

[RandomMess]

So if you are a lone parent with full time residency of 3 dc between 7 & 12 what sort of "help" would you appreciate (or perhaps pay for if you could afford it):-

Cleaner 2 hours per week
Babysitter who actually did the little jobs that need doing in the evening, clearing up the kitchen general tidying etc.
Take the dc out at the weekend for a day to give you a break

Anything else in particular?

[RandomMess]

I don't know, I really don't know how he will react. Probably just withdraw more, ignore me more.

That is really up to him.

Can't see it being any more preferable telling him and then walking out the door - that seems just as awful.

[RandomMess]

I'm assuming they already know something is up!!! They aren't little.

[Pannacotta]

Are you sure your DCs would want to live mainly with your DH rather than you?
Not sure I would rush to move out in your shoes, perhaps get some legal advice first.
Presume he could work full time if needed, ie if you were resident parent?
What a difficult situation to be in. Poor you.

[RandomMess]

I'm not sure he could get his job increased to full time, he doesn't have enough work at the moment.

That would be something for us to sort out longer term.

I don't want to work part time, have lots of pension contributions I need to make up etc. Plus I wouldn't get any support from anyone so I would have even less of a life than I have now.

[Pannacotta]

Fair enough but would you be ok not seeing your DCs on a daily basis?

I struggle when mine are away one weekend in two.

Do remember there are benefits for single parents which you will be entitled to once you split.

HAve you seen a lawyer?

[RandomMess]

Fortunately due to being the taxi service I will be seeing one/two or all on pretty much a daily basis. I intend to live within walking distance so the eldest will certainly be able to visit me easily. The younger two would have to ask to go out.

I've factored in the financial support h will get so hopefully dc will be able to carry on with their activities.

[RandomMess]

King my h is the primary carer in every way - I often used to work away, he does the school run, collects, works 30 hours per week. The dc are his world I am not going to instigate a split by leaving with them.

They deserve their routine and their home at the moment that is with him. If we decide that it is divorce and some or all want to live with me then that is a bridge we will have to cross and hopefully negotiate without going through the courts.

[Pannacotta]

Of course you can be resident parent and work FT, its just that Random seems to presume that her DH will be resident parent as he works PT now and is the main carer at the moment.
But I would question this, just because its the way you are doing things now OP doesnt mean you should have to be the one who leaves, esp as your DCs are older and at school from 9-3-4 anyway.
Why do you think you need to leave rather than him OP? He may agree this is the better option if you suggest it?

[Pannacotta]

sorry X posted.

[RandomMess]

I know he won't want to leave, not the house, not the dc. His little world is the dc and the house, he has everything he wants in his life tbh - well the wife bit isn't work out too well but he's happy enough with the status quo. He would stay as things are now if it were up to him.

[Pannacotta]

Oh that is so hard.
Well if you are ok to go then that is probably the only way you can separate but I do agree you cannot control the fall out by offering lots of help.
I would leave that until the separation is underway and perhaps wait till the dust has settled.
There are many ways to manage a separation and the aftermath, and you will find what works for you but do give it time.
Are you having counselling? This is a good way to talk to someone impartial about these kinds of difficulties IME.

[RandomMess]

I am hoping he could perhaps go and stay at his parents one night per week. He won't want to ask them and won't want to give him his stuff but hopefully he will see that I need "normal" time with the dcs.

[Minime85]

I agree about a month being a long time to say you will still live together before telling the dcs and I say this from recent experience. decided mid October to separate with plan to stay same house til Xmas. it was hell knowing whilst dcs didn't. just as bad as actually having to tell them. i couldn't do it and just needed h to leave. in end told them end of Oct and ex moved out week later. we did it as a week from advice I received on how long to leave it from mnet.

[RandomMess]

I was thinking 4 weeks in total, so tell him, 2 weeks later tell the dc, 2 weeks later leave?

Financially can't leave until End of April/Early May.

[Minime85]

you have to do what is right for your situation. I just know it made me ill. I had migraines and couldn't eat. it was a relief to tell the dcs in a strange way as the lie of happy families could stop. we made it a week as ex secured a house and moving in date so we told them a week before. advice I received on here said a week was good as gives them time to adjust as well as not being too long to have it hanging over them. ex still very involved in school runs etc as I had recently returned to ft work.

good luck

[RandomMess]

Hmm that is conflicting advice from what other people have said - perhaps I'll go half way and aim for 3 weeks!

I'm not sure if he'll have an epiphany when I tell him, not sure whether even if he does it's now not too late the longer he has refused to do anything the more emotionally detached from him I've become and compromises I had been happy to make now seem unthinkable.

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

You cannot go and live somewhere your children can't stay overnight - it won't work.

Don't punish yourself for wanting to leave a broken marriage by doing this.

[WeekendsAreHappyDays]

And if you are going it needs to be swift.