Advice please from "resident" parents

[RandomMess]

So if you are a lone parent with full time residency of 3 dc between 7 & 12 what sort of "help" would you appreciate (or perhaps pay for if you could afford it):-

Cleaner 2 hours per week
Babysitter who actually did the little jobs that need doing in the evening, clearing up the kitchen general tidying etc.
Take the dc out at the weekend for a day to give you a break

Anything else in particular?

[Fraxinus]

If you haven't yet split and organised how much time you spend with dc, I would say you are getting ahead of yourself. It sounds like you want to have it all worked out so that you feel better about the split before it happens. I would suggest that since it appears you are instigating the split, you are holding most o the cards. Try giving your stbx partner some of the cards by allowing her to think of how she would like things to be worked out, and then responding to that.

[Fraxinus]

Assuming your stbx partner is a her. Sorry.

[RandomMess]

It's funny Frax as they've been holding all the cards for erm 4 years and this is the only way I can take any back

I will write a list of suggested/possibles things I could continue to do.

I have no family so unless I constantly fork out £££££££££££ then spending time with the dc is going to be difficult. Difficulty with that is then how do I spend time with them and how does partner get a break? Can't see the PILs being of any more help than they have been in the last 14 years.

[RandomMess]

I should imagine there will be several talks over a few weeks.

I have been saying that I cannot stay, I cannot tolerate it. I have never been so alone in my life and I haven't had a rosy life.

Do you really think I want to leave my dc? I was their primary carer until 3.5 years ago but I stupidly went back to work (as asked) so now I'm not the primary carer. My choice is stay until it ends up completely hostile or perhaps alternatively I top myself???

I am moving out, I'm not asking for a divorce. Me discussing and explainging that whilst I can work on myself (I am) that we both need to change - they don't want to, they admit they need to but have decided against it. I am exhausted with being stonewalled.

[LineRunner]

This is what a partner unexpectedly left on their own with children will need.

Space and privacy.
Money.
For the other parent to parent - in that non-resident parent's new home.

[RandomMess]

Well perfection isn't going to happen, I don't have a "new home" to go to. I can ask him to leave but I doubt he'll go so I will have to.

[PepeLePew]

If my ex had offered a list of fifteen ways he was going to help me with weekly chores when he told me he was leaving me for his mistress I would have fucking killed him. Then, and for a long time after, all I wanted was for him to see the dcs regularly and pay maintenance. He was desperate to change my lightbulbs, take my car to the garage and mow the lawn as some kind of penance for his fuckwittery but there was no way I could possibly have let him do any of that as I didn't want to be beholden to him in any way.

I appreciate what you are trying to do, and think it's the right thing to be thinking about but please let her get her head round the split then sit down and discuss with her how you can split parenting and how much you will contribute financially (NOT what you will pay for - it's for her to decide how to spend the maintenance). What you could do is have some clear suggestions for how you will entertain the children when you are with them that doesn't involve her having to wander the streets while you are at your old home, and a willingness to make what will be a painful process of separation as easy as possible.

I would say now, five years down the line, my exH generally gets it right, and his offers of help are sometimes well timed. It's usually things like taking two of the dc so I get time with the third, or staying on top of school commitments so he can offer to help rather than me having to ask. But that is on a case by case basis - in general he sticks to the childcare and financial settlement we worked out and that's all I need or want him to do.

[RandomMess]

Yes KingR0llo I need to leave my husband. No I wasn't joking about suicide. His behaviour towards me has driven me to the edge of breakdown and 2 years of suicidal thoughts.

When I say can't tolerate I mean it.

Can't afford 2 homes by selling marital home. I feel utterly trapped.

If he doesn't want my help that is fine I will still offer.

[PepeLePew]

Sorry - also guilty of assumptions about gender but I think my point still holds. Something about the "if I make practical suggestions then the emotional blow I am about to inflict won't hurt as much" that was implicit in your posts made me assume you are male, but I should know better!

[RandomMess]

Who knows what goes on in his mind!!! He is happy to ignore my sadness and tears and crying. No acknowledgement of birthdays/christmas/valentines/anniversary for the past few years so I'm not sure what emotional blow I'm delivering apart from he can't pretend to the outside world anymore?

Perhaps I should just carry on sleeping on the sofa and stay together for the sake of the children...

[RandomMess]

We are lowish earners and accommodation extortionately high.

Realistically my options are limited:-

I demand that he seeks help (requests and explanations have got nowhere) - so I will have forced him, it will be something I've made him do (that is what will get thrown back at me)

I leave - he is faced with the responsibility of his choices, it is then his choice of what he wants to do.

I stay & nothing changes at all.


I've sought and am getting help. My therapist declared our relationship as dead - I have to say I think she's right.

[RandomMess]

I've decided to tell him a month before I go, give us a couple of weeks to process it before we tell the dc and then leave a couple of weeks later.

I worry about the state the house will get in and I'm not houseproud!!! REmember our marital home is still my long term financial asset and I don't want my dc living in squalour with filthly kitchen and bathrooms.

[RandomMess]

He will have primary residency, he is the main carer working part time!

If the dc want something different I don't know what will happen.