This is the first opportunity I?ve had to come back and post as I was on a course til late last night. Before I put this post together, I re-read my posts and realise all the talk on MN has been about BIL and I?ve hardly mentioned my helping my sister out. Suppose because I thought I?d said enough (I do tend to go on ) and what I?ve been doing with my sister was sort of not relevant to what I was trying to get advice on. However I?ve now come across as a total b*tch I?m going to try and reply to each of your posts but forgive me if I miss you out, won?t be intended.
Zippitippitoes ? when I say unfit parent, I mean at the moment due to her state of mind etc. We are really really trying to help but at the moment apart from our chat on Monday, she?s been saying she doesn?t want to talk about it, that she plans to take the kids away and that?s it. The kids have been in tears as they don?t want to move away and all I?ve been trying to do is help the kids. Of course I tried to talk her round to coming back to the area and her having custody (which the father agreed to) but she said she wanted to be near her boyfriend and can?t bear leaving him. BTW, I have tried to see if she will get help and told her I was really worried about her etc. but if she doesn?t want help, what else can I do but keep trying. In the meantime I?m afraid the kids come first. Not because I don?t love my sister but because the children really need help right now and because her mind is so up and down, I?m worried about the long term affects.
Flutterbee - she?s not getting the cold shoulder at all, we?re just using a direct approach and on Monday she totally agreed. I told her I was there for her whenever she wants to pick up the phone and that I hoped she didn?t mind me being so direct but I was worried about the decisions she was making as she seemed very unsure. She said she understood and then told me the kids cried about leaving school so she can see why it?s best to leave them there. As for the slagging off comment, I wouldn?t normally but she was being so cruel to her xdh at the time (this was last year, not slagged off since). My sister had done extremely well loosing weight, I used to call every single week to ask how she got on at WeightWatchers, dead proud I was. Then she started saying to her h that he was too fat and needed to loose weight etc. This man was slim years ago but never put my sister down for her weight etc, just encouraged her. She looses weight which is great but how incredibly cruel to start saying horrible things like that to him because she?s decided now she?s lost the weight, she doesn?t want a bigger man.
ScummyMummy - as mentioned above, I am there for her when I can get hold of her which incredibly hard so she certainly doesn?t feel I?m taking sides. I?ve suffered with depression lots which is why I have been understanding etc. She asked for my honest advice so I told her the 2 options in my opinion. Believe me, if she at all felt I wasn?t supporting her, she would have kicked me out as this is what she?s like all the time. BTW, she admitted in the end that he wasn?t violent at all, just a little push which I agreed is not on but understandable and she agreed (won?t go on as this is getting a bit long as usual!)
Anniemac - I agree I think I?ve become too involved, I only wanted to help him get more money as sis walked out on job so can?t give any money so he needs extra help now. The custody advice was just in case but I set this thread up and he knew nothing about it so we weren?t in cahoots. Totally agree about trying to find an in-between and BIL was all for that (sis told me), it?s just she has actually told me she?s chosen the new boyfriend over the kids ? her words, not mine.
Yes, she was primary carer as in took them to school and brought them back but she didn?t do much more than that (she?s always laughed about how lazy she is ? h got back from work, cooked, washed clothes, ironed etc etc, the one time she makes herself something for dinner she forgets to ask h if he wants anything as she?s not used to doing it herself etc etc etc). I?m not saying that makes her a bad parent before anyone jumps on me, just that she?s not very good at coping with having to do everything which is what she?d have to do if they moved away.
This is getting a bit long and I hope I?ve covered the main things. My concerns are what?s best for the kids NOW and if she sticks with ?it?s best they stay with their dad for now until I sort myself out? then we?re all happy. We?re not saying she shouldn?t have the kids full stop and neither is BIL (he really is a good bloke you know), it?s just there?s lots of stuff going on and my sister needs to sort herself out first (she can?t decide where to live, what to do, drinking loads all of a sudden (trying to get her to admit this so can help), taking money out of kids accounts to cover what she wants etc etc etc.).
I DO love my sister and want to help and am trying, but for now I?m afraid it?s the innocent kids I?m looking out for should it get nasty with her.
Gosh, this is so hard as I know my own family and I?ve never been very good at expressing myself in RL or in words like this. All I can say is please believe that my heart is in the right place, I could never be cold like some people think I am. I'm always been critised for being too sensitive to other people's feelings all the time.
Anyway, thanks for your comments
Would my BIL be welcome on mumsnet now? I'm worried as he really needs support and advice at the moment and I did recommend this place to him but I'm worried he'll get attacked now?