XP wants me to pay him to take DD to school for one day!

[Aimsmum]

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I am speechless Aimsmum, what an absolute wanker he is.

However I think this is a perfect example of what I used to come accross all the time when I worked in a Contact Centre (for children seeing absent parents) - when things are not amicable between the parents, the contact must be kept purely and simply and only about the child seeing it's parent. No progress toward good relations can be made when the parents use the contsct time to pass notes about bills, finances, or other 'adult' matters. As others have said the child simply ends up in the middle, feeling all the anger and conflict...

And due to your ex being such a prize pillock I'm afraid this is where you are at the moment - his contact is mixed up here with your social arrangements and that's where the conflict arises. GOD KNOWS you SHOULD be able to arrange something this simple with his help but obviously he is still angry and bitter and using this against you, he's just not 'there' yet unfortunately.

Personally I think you will have to rely on others to be flexible about arrangements like this, as your ex simply cannot cope with it. Maybe one day he will get there, I certainly hope so for your DD's sake as well as yours!

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This kind of thing really winds me up - with my children I make sure they are ok every minute of every day, without fail - as you do too. For an example of the other side. I regularly get calls saying "I will not be available to have my daughter on ...." usually followed by "I thought I would give you plenty of warning so as you can make your plans around it"

WHO THE FXXX DO YOU THINK I AM/YOU ARE it is two fold, 1) we are responsible for the children all of the time - even times when they are supposed to have them 2)They seem to have this vauge idea that they are doing us a favour by having them at all! oh yes and not forgetting 3) despite being split up we are still responsible for sorting out their bad planning and lack of commitment.

Can you tell it winds me up?

I have no constructive advice but thought you may like to know you are not alone! FWIW I hope you have a great weekend away - sounds like you deserve it!

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it is soo much fun isn't it! I just don't get this idea they seem to often have that it is not their responsiblity! I just wonder what would happen if we threw our arms up in the air and said "I quit - I have had enough I am off - I will have them 1 day a week if I can be bothered" then took our phone off the hook for all the times in between except when we called up to complain or change plans

if it were not for the fact that the children would suffer it might be worth and experiment!

Would suggest you do bill him Aimsmum. Suggest to him that had you realised that £25 for half an hours work for being a "selfless" parent was the going rate then he owes you an awful lot of overtime/maintenance payments.

State that you thought he might relish the opportunity to spend more time with his child, and do something with her that he wouldnt normally have the chance to do, and that the members of Fathers for Justice would give their right arm (or Batman Suit) for an opportunity such as this - and not expect payment for it.

State that a childminder wouldnt ask for this much money, and that if he STILL wants payment, you will pay him the going rate (£3-£6 per hour so £1.50-£3?).

Tell him to send you an invoice for it.

He clearly knows which buttons to press doesn't he! Has he always had issues around being in control or has he always been a bully?
It sounds stupid... but to me it seems as if he's scared, frightened you might really enjoy yourself, while he's obviously not having as nice a weekend/life himself.
I would suggest to him that he should have a break/holiday, give him the £25 quid a holiday contribution from you and watch his face.
He obviously doesn't 'get it' and that's really sad.
( At a later date remember to either increase his contribution to child support, or subtlety add it on to what you get already!)

Whereabouts are you?Could one of us help you out at all?
I so want to wipe the smirk off his powertrippingsmugbastard face!

Yeh come on where abouts are you,if theres one of us close im sure we could squeeze in a school trip for you !!

Aimsmum, I realise the £25 wasn't because he'd have his pay docked, I just thought his superiors might be interested to hear what a pillock they have working for them

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When he asks for his money say you've left it at his work. and do it... put the £25 in a huge envelope with his name on with the following message (in large capitals): PLEASE PASS ONTO MR XXX OF THE XXX DEPT. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THIS ENVELOPE AS IT CONTAINS THE £25 MR XXX HAS CHARGED HIS EX-DW FOR TAKING HIS OWN DAUGHTER TO SCHOOL WHEN HER MOTHER WAS NOT AVAILABLE. THANK YOU" Make sure you hand it to reception and ask them to all read the message as it's VERY IMPORTANT and you do not want it or its contents going astray.

Sorry not be of better help. what a complete tosspot he sounds. I hope you're able to still enjoy your much-deserved weekend

for Moomin. Don't get dragged down to his level though. He's being a complete jerk. It's men like him who give non-resident dads a bad name. Do you think you could just ignore his phone calls or switch the phone off for one night?

If he's going to try and ruin your weekend, the best thing you can do is make sure you have a blimmin good weekend.

Aimsmum - your school will have a breakfast club, surely? (see this from Glasgow City Council : Glasgow free Big Breakfast for every primary school child)

You don't need to book them in - if it is like ds' primary school, it starts at 8.15, but they can go in at any time until 8.35. They do get chucked out at 8.45 - but then the janitor has reponsibility for watching out for them. And what is more, it's free!

Ds loves going - in fact he was the one that asked to start going, and ends up having two breakfasts: one with us and one at the breakfast club.

And then tell your exp that you are spending the £25 you have "saved" on a drink celebrating the fact that he wasn't required! (...and a present for yuor dd)

fab idea prettybird, hope this is suitable for Aimsmum. Would also suggest you leave dh with the number of the place you are staying in as your emergency number and then turn your phone off (or silent) if you can. i don't know if you're at someone's house or hotel or whatever but surely he wouldn't hassle them as much as he would usually hassle you on your moby? in a genuine emergency you could be reached but for his usual fannying around trying to make sure he spoils your evening, it might do the trick. And of course he could have your mum's number too

Jesus, that is shocking.

Absolutely shocking.

Am too gobsmacked to say more.

Go to the bank and get £25 in 1p pieces.

Really sympathise Aimsmum, my ex-H does stuff like this all the time - particularly if he knows that he has me over a barrel so to speak.
In your shoes, I would do anything rather than pay him the £25. I would ask anyone at school if they could possibly help out. I'm sure most Mums would be happy to help - even if they don't know you that well.

THat is an absolutely fab idea CD!

As I said my ex used to behave a bit like this at points. The way I got him to change was just like dealing with a tantrummy toddler. Ignore the bad, praise the good. It seemed to work, when his 'games' got no results he lost interest.
I know you shouldn't have to do that with a grown man but needs must.

Just recovered enough to agree with Bugsy. There's probably a principle here about him not being treated as a childminder, because he is teh child's father. However, if you do pay him, make sure you make him write out a receipt. Tell him you want it for your financial records. I suspect he won't want to give you one. A written record of a parent being paid to parent, is not something most parents want floating around the world.

I am utterly gobsmacked by this. It's just astonishing. What a total arse. So hope you find a way round it and have a great time, Aimsmum. Poor, poor dd having such a father.

If you are going to 'pay' him, (and please do EVERYTHING you can not to) either deduct tax and NI OR say you will be informing the Inland Revenue of this additional income...

What a mutha f*cka.

I'd issue him a cheque. Then spend £20 having it cancelled by the bank.

Then post him a letter telling him to go f*ck himself so it arrived when you were out of town.

As for him calling you, I'd block his number.