Your views?..sorry, long message but I need advice/help

[Ollydoesntknowme]

First of all, may I warn you I am a man and I apologise if I have broken any rules by coming here, but please let me state my case and if I am still wrong to be here I will leave without any argument. I am the father of a beautiful little boy, although all I have ever seen of him is 3 photographs.

I just need to ask the people on the 'other side' for their honest opinions, and of course those people are single mothers. I have been searching for some help and stumbled across this site and decided to at least ask, as I have nothing else to lose now. I will keep my story as short as possible.

Last year, a few months after finding out I was going to be a father, it became alarmingly clear my partner had only ever wanted me so that she could become pregnant. I know this may be hard to believe, but when our relationship ended her actions and words made it perfectly clear. I had done my bit and was no longer needed. When my son was born, although I was informed by my ex's mother, when I asked to see him, she (my ex) told me I could not.

Now I grew up in a fantastic family home, 2 parents and a brother. But my own mother was a childminder, and I was raised alongside many other kids, a LOT of which came from broken homes, and I saw first hand just how it affects kids.

The reason I mention this, is that I know I can drag this all through the courts to get a chance to be in his life, but I made a decision not to... the reason why?.. well, having seen what happens to kids when parents war with each other, I dont want that for my son. I dont want to put him in that place where each parent is constantly sparring to go one better than the other, or is complaining about what the other one did last week.

BUT.. this is where I need your help. May I ask your opinions on this? I think about my little boy every day, of all the things I have missed and all the things I will miss. I don't want him to grow up and think I didnt love him, I want him to know I believed I was doing right for him.

I have read some of the threads discussing actions between parents, and one about not wanting your ex's to have your children in the events of your demise...but I know I can be a great Dad, I just dont want to make my boys life so complicated by just being selfish and wanting access.

Does anyone understand?.. I could really use some help right now

I would press for soem visitation
I split from my exp when pregnant, however was determined that he would play a part in my sons life, even at tiems, when every bone in my body screamed no no no.
My son is now 12 and it was a wise decision.
I take it your name is on the birth certificate?
It will cost you to take it to court, honestly, I know a chap who lost everything he had and still never got to see his two kids.But he said he had to do it so that when they grew up they would know he had fought tooth and nail.
Every bit of nasty history will be brought up by her, if she plays hardball, every/any cannabis joint, every joke, sexual behaviour. So many lies were told about our friend during his appeals.
I am sorry to be so blunt, it is sad that someone who wants to play a part and be responsible cannot. I for one think it is unfair, children do benefit from having relationmships with both parents in most circumstances.
Good luck.

I think your ex is way out of order to accept your money, but not allow you to get to know your ds.

I also think that nomatter what your intentions, this could well end up in court at some stage before your ds is 18 - and to be honest, it's best to get the initial agreement in place now, before he's aware of what's happening.

Good luck

I agree with Piffle and most of the other posters. Get access, she can't stop you, and what about your parents, not fair for them to miss out on a grandson, and really not fair on your son to miss out on not only a dad but a whole side of his family. And why? Because his mum wants her own way. That is a highly irrisponsible attitude for a mother to have imo, your son needs to be protected from that type of thinking.

I have a lovely friend who got pregnant when she was quite young and the dad was a tosser. Never paid a penny towards his sons upkeep, was horrible to her but she enabled a relationship for her son with his dad and never said anything nasty about him because in her mind it was very important for her son to have a good, unbiased relationship with his dad. That boy is sixteen now, is super smart and loves his dad to bits. But he knows, he just knows without his mum bitching about his dad that their life was much harder because of his dad.

ODKM if she gets her own way, eventually, her actions will come back and bite her when she has to deal with a young adult wanting to know what was so bad about his dad. But that said if you are really concerned about your son being a balanced and happy person who will get the most out of life, you have to fight to have a relationship with him.

I am not a single parent, so cannot offer any advice based on experience, but something occurred to me when I read about your own family.

You say 'my own mother was a childminder, and I was raised alongside many other kids, a LOT of which came from broken homes, and I saw first hand just how it affects kids' I just wondered if you are still in contact with any of these kids? They must be adults now. Are they glad their parents fought for access or not?

If you get in touch with them, you could ask them these questions. You know each other very well - tell them your problem, ask them what they would do it they were you. You might get some surprising answers if you have not talked to them for some years.

My gut feeling says you should tell your ex partner that you want to see your son and if necessary will go to court. After all your paternity is not in doubt and you are already paying her via the CSA.

In my limited experience, I think there is a good chance your son will want to hunt you out later even if you don't make contact. I have seen this happen friends' teenage children who seek to leave their mothers to see fathers they hardly know (or have heard awful things about).

But one thing you need to bear in mind (sorry for being morbid) is that if you wait years for your son, you may not be alive when he eventually tries to find you.

I like fattiemamma's suggestion about leaving regular letters with social services. That seems like a safe way of letting your son see evidence of your commitment.

Good luck - very difficult situation to be in.

hope you are managing to work some of his through. just wanted to add that i agree with the majority. THings might be hard to start with but a couple of years down the line hopefully your exp will see the benefits of your involvement and some stability will come into things. i agree taht even if that is only fortnightly contact that could still be a very positive thing for your ds. good luck

Adding my support again. I hope you managed to get some sleep, your head must have been swimming with thoughts! Whatever you decide to do, you'll find Mumsnet a very welcoming and open site and if you want to rant and rave on here you are more than welcome. You'll find plenty of support on these boards, which you'll need if you decide to press ahead with fighting for access. There is no doubt that it will be a long road to go down, but have faith, you will get there in the end. Keep notes of everything you have tried to do (with dates), every wall she has put up, everything that has been said, keep copies of every correspondance to do with it all, it'll all help in court. Even phone bills to show all the calls you've made helps prove that you are active in trying to gain access to your son.

But before you go straight to the solicitors, I would try once more with her parents (I'm presuming you have their contact details?) to arrange a meeting with her and appeal once more for access, make it out that you are trying to help with his care, that you can look after him whilst she goes to work or out socially, whatever. If that fails, then go to a solicitor. It sounds as though it's a case you cannot lose.

I sincerely hope that this time next year you will be sounding a lot more optimistic about a future with your son.

Bump, for the evening crowd.

Haven't read the whole thread, sorry if \i repeat anything.

My ex does not (for reasons best known to himself) EVER see our three kids. I am now remarried and they are very happy and settled and call my new dh dad.

I have always kept the channels of communication open, I've never been hostile to him but he chooses to stay away.

I've been very careful to give the kids very clear messages that they are wonderful etc etc and the reasons he does not send cards or get in touch is due to reasons only he knows and not due to anything they have done. They are very lucky to have a wonderful dad in my dh.

However, I know when they grow up there may be times when things they thought didn't bother them when they were younger may actually come back to haunt them and unsettle them and make them question their whole lives. For this reason I would suggest you fight, fight, fight to have acces to your child. However, that may turn out with access etc and possible tension between you two adults, he will cope with it. Kids are very resilient.

If things don't work out and you don't end up seeing him then I would suggest you write letters and keep copies of them. Keep a memory box of things that happened in your life to give him when he has grown up. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings so he gets a feel for what you were like. That way he will always know you thought of him and cared for him; include the reasons why you did not keep in touch. There is always the chance that letters/cards you send will not get passed on to him.

What your ex did sounds totally heartless and i feel for you being in such a terrible situation. Good luck.

odkm, i would definately do your best to see your son. i cant give you much advice as my situation is totally the opposite to yours, my dd's dad has never seen her, refused to be named on the birth certificate, avoided the csa at all costs. ive tried everything i could think of to get him to just see her once. the saddest thing is when the nursery gently pull me aside nearing fathers day and ask if there's someone else she could make a card for. this is her third fathers day now and i have a stack of cards made at nursery and the college creche that one day i hope to ram down his throat. she's too young to understand right now but i dont know how im going to explain things in the future. my point is, (badly explained no doubt) that your son will at least know you tried. you arent being selfish by wanting to take it to court, she's being selfish for denying your son a father. i really dont understand people like that .

ODKM I'm so sorry that you ex is refusing you access to your son. It's important in my opinion that he know you as someone here rightly pointed out she's not denying your paternity. I'm currently separated from my DH, and at the moment we don't know whether we'll get back together or not. We have two beautiful sons together. Whatever happens he will always be a part of their lives. Have you tried arbitration using a third party to persuade her to allow you access. I would try to approach her one more time explain your emotions and if that fails use the family courts. Try and get some advice first to see you someone thinks for your case. My heart goes out to you. Good luck

Well it's time to make a change I guess.

Thank you all for everyones opinions, and due to the overwhelming surge towards trying to see him, I am going to see what I can do about it.

I want to keep everything as amicable as possible, So I am going to try and contact the ex to see how things stand as she sees them now, see if this sunshine has cheered her up any.

If things dont look good then I might seek legal advice and work out my plans from there, although I'm strictly on one step at a time at the moment.

Hopefully I'll be back on here soon with some better news, although I'll still check back regularly to see what else people think.

Thanks again everyone

good Luck ODKM. He's a lucky little chap to have a caring dad and his mum is mad and irresponsible not to realise that!

Good luck ODKM, I really hope that you get some good responses from Ex as this is clearly the best outcome.

It would be nice to hear how you get on and feel free to come along often to bounce ideas or have a scream if things get frustrating!

How are you getting on?

No response on phone, looks like she has ditched it and got new number I would guess.

Will try in writing to her last known address, see what happens there. Fingers crossed, but I'm not holding out much hope.