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Original poster

Desperate to change DD's surname, please help

43 replies

Nikaleeona · 24/04/2006 21:04

My DD has just turned a year. She has her fathers surname as we were together when she was born and were planning to get married. He is mentioned on her birth certificate so has parental responsibility. He left when she was 4 months old cos he didnt love me and couldnt stand the site of me! (This is after being together for 2 and a half years!) He now gives me very little money for her and visits her at the weekend for 2 hours in which she screams the entire time cos she doesnt like him or know who he is! I really want her to have my surname cos its silly having his and he doesnt deserve it and to be honest its a ridiculous name! Is there any way i can officially change it without his consent cos i know there is no way he will give me permission to change it? Iv already started calling her by my surname but would rather having it done properly if possible. Any ideas if i can or where i can find out about it?
TIA x

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Kathlean · 25/04/2006 21:20

I have never changed my name officially I am just known by the surname I have (step-fathers).

It is on my NI number, driving license, all my exam certificates, dr's stuff everything apart from my birth certificate.

The only problem I ever had was getting a passport they insisted on seeing my divorce certificate (never been married). when I phoned and explained I was just known by a different name and had been from the age of 3 or 4 they asked for a letter from my mum confirming this. I was 28 FGS!!!!!!! Dunno what they would have done if my mum was dead!!

rickman · 25/04/2006 21:59

When I changed our names by deed poll, the website I used said that to try and prevent any comeback from the absent parent, it is normally best to double barrel the name. If you don't hyphenate it, only the last part of the name tends to get used. This is what I did and I tend to put exp's surname down as part of their forename, with just mine as surname. Does that make sense?

mummypumpkin · 25/04/2006 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

controlfreaky2 · 25/04/2006 23:41

sorry to be the bad news but again the law seeks to porevent not just formal name change without relevant consent but to prevent changing name child is "known as"... that is wording of rel. statute so dosent avoid original problem (if father kicks up a fuss...).

mummypumpkin · 26/04/2006 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklemagic · 26/04/2006 22:13

I'd just like to say that from the knowledgeable posts on here it seems that you could be challenged even for informal 'known as' arrangements. I hope you find out the clear position, you need legal advice - but if it doesn't go your way I think the best thing you can then do for your CHILD is to forget about it. Don't let it become another area for friction and upset because your child is the only one who suffers from this sort of atmosphere between her parents.

You may have to let this one go. At present it matters not one bit to your child. Maybe if and when it matters to her you could re-visit the idea. For now, why not take the pressure off the situation and yourself?

Maybe also you simply have to live with the results of your own actions? You DID choose to give her this name, you did choose the guy and choose to have a child with him. Things have changed of course but maybe this is something to chalk up to experience and learn from? I don't mean to sound glib but sometimes in life we can't turn the clock back, we have to step on from where we are now, which is where we arrived at through our choices and actions.

doubt anyone will see where I'm coming from here though!

controlfreaky2 · 26/04/2006 22:15

i do. i do.

sparklemagic · 26/04/2006 22:55

oooh

chipkid · 26/04/2006 22:59

me too.
Name changing is a highly emotive thing-it is often seen (and used) as the removal of the outward sign of the other parent.
What is emphasised in Court again and again in these sort of cases is that the child is made up of elements of both parents -what does it say to the child if they are made to think that half of what made them is unworthy or bad?-even if the other parent is unworthy etc -the child's self-esteem and self-image is such an important issue and is often overlooked when names are changed and parents excluded.

rickman · 26/04/2006 22:59

How would you feel about changing your name by deed poll? You could give yourself your ex's surname. You could approach him and say you want your dd to have the same name as you, would he be willing to change it? If he says no, then tell him you're going to change yours.

sparklemagic · 26/04/2006 23:03

rickman, what a pragmatic and sensible idea. I think it would be hard to take the name of a man you don't much like but if you feel it's in the child's best interests to have the same name as mum then this is a guaranteed way to give this to the child!

cod · 26/04/2006 23:04

dh is lke kathlean

his name ( and mine) is htat of his stepfatehrs - whos is not british

his parents removed his dads name when he was 7

dh feels VERY bitter about this now he is a dad himslef
henc ei htink a crap idea

and yes ad not in life
is busy drinkign himself to death in north america

MamaG · 26/04/2006 23:05

Good advice from Sparklemagic and rickman :)

Chipkid and controlfreaky are absolutely right on the legal bits.

rickman · 26/04/2006 23:15

When I was pregnant with dd I insisted on giving her my name when she was born. When I became pregnant with ds, exp said that unless I gave him his surname he wouldn't come to register the birth and ds would have had father unknown.

I decided to give ds my surname, so he would be the same as dd and then change all of our names by deedpoll afterwards to exp's surname.

Dd2 then came along and automatically got dp's surname and then I got pg with ds2 and split up with exp. I then changed our names again and double barrelled them, his name, my name. Luckily exp didn't really object and we are only known by my surname.

I'm probably a very good example of what you shouldn't do, but it is done now and everyone is happy. If, however, I couldn't have double barrelled our names, I would have kept exp's name, just so I could be the same as the kids.

awayninahmanger · 29/04/2006 21:33

OK another example of what not to do
ds has a non hyphenated combination of p's name followed by my name - a compromise really
dd has my name cos p was too bloody busy with work and, er, rugby committments to attend - so she also has a blank space next to 'father'
There is no way on God's earth I'd change my name to his for pragmatic reasons. Dss's mum did, changed her name to his by deedpoll and pretends to this day to dss they were married. So he has 3 children all with different names.
I reckon as I have done 100% of the parenting my children will grow up with my name and I'm proud they will.

mistressmiggins · 30/04/2006 06:29

I dont like being "MRS MistressMiggins" and would gladly go back to my maiden name.

However I know that it would confuse my son - he know himself as "DS MistressMiggins" - (hes just turned 4) I dont think it would be the fact he had a different name from daddy, simply confusing that his name had changed.

So I wont change mine for exactly the same reason

IF I meet someone else & remarried, I dont know what Id do - I guess my children would be old enough then to make up their own minds regarding name.

lemonstartree · 17/05/2006 15:20

sparkle

I do too! very much

sparklemagic · 17/05/2006 18:32

Ta lemons.

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