How do single parents cope?

[youngmummy17]

I ask this question because, i simply just can't cope, everyday is such a battle it's NOT! DS fault he adds to the stress but his only a toddler, i've pretty much been a single mum since day one and 18 months later i just want to walk away i know i can't but somedays i just want to leave and never come back, his father walked away and did this to him left me with the hardest job in the world and it's starting to take it's toll i don't know how to feel i'm so angry with ds dad and so tired and stressed, i just don't know how to cope and how other single parents do,is there a light at the end of the tunnel? :(

There are plenty of people with partners and houses and DCs who are not happy though! And there are lots of parents - single or otherwise - who struggle with being a parent. It is tough sometimes.

Course you didn't do anything wrong. Adjusting to or accepting motherhood would probably really help your state of mind. I think the anger/resentment you're feeling needs to be dealt with otherwise it will just make your life harder.

Go back to your GP and don't leave until they've given you something or made a plan that you're happy with. Don't necessarily expect them to give you the answer - it's ok to go and demand what you want eg 'I feel xxx and I need counselling for this'. I did this and had 12 weeks free though it depends on where you live how long you will have to wait for this. If you think antidepressants will help tell them and don't leave until you have a prescription.

Phone or visit your health visitor too and ask them what they can do to help. Be honest, tell them how you're really feeling and tell them you need help. I know my local ones would help if you're struggling with your DC's behaviour and some also run or can refer you to parenting courses. They may refer you to Homestart and you could have someone visiting you every week who you can talk to about how you're feeling.

The voluntary work sounds good. Is there any you could do where they can help you arrange childcare? Is there any way you could carry on with your A levels somewhere else? It's some feat to study with a small child so you're obviously really competent.

Dealing with other peoples opinions is difficult but every mother has that.

Your friends aren't necessarily happier just better at glossing over the bad stuff.

It sounds like you need help with the tantrums and I agree with speaking to the hv and gp. Can you ask for parenting classes?

I don't cope at times tbh. My HV referred me to Home-start, I cannot say enough good about that organisation, once a week a volunteer comes out and helps, that tips me over from being not able to cope to able to cope a lot of the time.

I also have very thick skin, I quite literately do not give a sh*t what judgy pant clad onlookers think...I must have a look about me that says 'do not comment' because no one ever does. (Obviously if they were being rude of actually disturbing somebody's meal or what ever then I do care, I don't let them run amok, but tantrums are par for the course imo).

Also, because of my situation DS2 has been given funding for 10 hours at nursery each week (again via the HV), those 10 hours give me some breathing space. If you started applying now you might get it in time for next year (it feels like ages away when you apply but when it comes around you are glad you did it).

It's pretty rubbish if the GP has brushed you off...the HV could be worth calling and may know the names of the Dr's that may be more sympathetic (mine does).

speak to the gp and looka t th parenting baords ec hre - many mums with husbands have same issues.
it isnt jsust because you alone - bu maybe combination of things which not helping.
you can get help with pareting classes for example to deal with his behaviour. not because you doing it wrong but because this will give you the feeling of support that you are not the only one with a toddler like this.

write down again the issues that are to dow ith you and those to do with ds and write a plan of action ; break it all down and tackle each one in turn

eg

• feeling lonely/angry - solution - counselling via gp - make appt and ask

-toddler tantrums delaing with behaviour - speak to hv about parenting classes or a trained profressional or volunteer to come and spend a day with you and help give you strategies

also look into nurseries because the structure of that can really help and they can also work with you on behaviour issuse

sleep issues -= again speak to hv - maybe behavioursl maybe chaing diet might help him there are ltos of things to try

doing thigns for you/future - look into going back to studying or doing voluntary work

and what do you enjoy with your ds?
what brings a smile to him and you?
write it down as a reminder to yourself to do that once a day or moe....

I'm not sure how to get in touch with HV anymore, the last one left and whoever is under ds care now hasn't been in touch to even leave a name or number! Thank you all for the advice i am going to look into parenting classes and get in touch with HV hopefully and get some help that way and just hope DS tantrums calm down and i learn to let this anger go.

Your should have a HV until your child is 5. Ask your GP whose yours is, and whether you can speak to them. They may come to you, or they may suggest you come along to a baby clinic to see them.

I have to say the pet idea is very tempting. I always had g-pigs (for 30yrs) and when my last of a pair died last year I decided not to replace her as it was always just another task for me. But I have noticed the difference not having a couple of little balls of fluff to talk to and squidge. And my piggies did the lawn mowing for me, now I have do it much more often or pay for a gardener .

just ask gp for hv name and number.

if everything is appretnly fine they wont call you - so you do have to go with your list of concerns and what you would them to help you with.

it's no bad thing to seek some help eg counselling - it really does help to talk to someone and process all this - ask specifically about "cbt " type counselling which is about learning to deal with negative feelings and how to appoach life's challenges.

Another long-term single mum. I've been on my own for over 9 years now & it gets soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better.

Mine are 10 & 12 now & they are fantastic. We have a really great time together.

That is not to say that it has always been like this. When they were toddlers, I wanted nothing more than not to be a mum. I felt so tired and trapped alot of the time.

I found working really helped. I worked part-time when they were little & I'm full time now. Work gives you a life outside of motherhood & another focus - not to mention income!

I also found having activities planned helped too, even if it was really simple stuff like walking to the post office, popping in to the library, meeting up with friends - a plan for the week, makes the time go much quicker & takes away from the trapped feeling you can have sometimes with a small child.

OP yes, there is certainly a light at the end of the tunnel and I felt very much like you do, about 8 years ago. It felt endless.

the thing is toddlers are exhausting and once they get a bit older they really do calm down a LOT. until ds1 was about 4 and went to school he was a wild thing but then he really did settle, he slept all night, went to school all day, it was great. I was human again! Even though I had ds2 by then and he was quite a calm little boy, which helped.

I actually felt a lot of the stress came from resenting ds's father, for leaving, for putting me/us through it, I was so angry. And he buggered off completely and wouldn't even answer calls, so we totally lost him.

But then after a while I realised that I could either spend my time being angry and wishing I wasn't doing it, or I could accept it and make t he best of it and this was a revelation - once I stopped blaming someone else, I accepted it as my job, and that meant I had a right to be a good parent, I had a job to do, and blow me I was going to be good at it.
So I stopped relying so much on my family and I took on my own children and things got so much better. It was all in the attitude.

And after a year or two of that I was grateful to be on my own. I was Ok, the kids were Ok and we didn't have to think about some idiot who hadn't the guts to hang around and help. I was glad he wasn't there.

I still feel that a lot of single parents cope better than they were allowed to when their childs father was around. Does that make sense to anyone? you can really be yourself and do it your way and not be restricted by conflict or having to meet someone else's standards or expectations - let the unimportant stuff go, and focus on what yOU think and feel is really important and be proud of what you are doing.

Good luck and hang on in there as yes things definitely do get much easier.

I have good days and bad days some day I can have full of people in my life but stilll feel very very alone, some days are great, I love it if I do something the boys like and they give me a hug and say thanks, it makes my week!

Tbh we are a lot better off than when abusive EX fecker was here, we no longer walk on egg-shells, I allow other children in the house, the garden etc, I don't have to worry about being set alight when I sleep (drug addict also) I don't have to answeer to anyone which can be good, although I have to keep myself in check, in many ways I like it better than what it was like and some day I just have "oh poor me" days.

All in all though this is a happier house, I may need to start doing more for myself, I mean hobby wise but I am aware of that and will get there, eventually.

It’s so sad isn’t it? I’m going through a break up part 2 with my DD’s x 3 dad.
We split up after the 1st 2 and then got back then I got pregnant with 3rd DD.

I’ve tried my best to work at our relationship for so long but it’s like banging your head against a wall! The man is impossible! I’m reading these thinking ‘how will I cope?’ When it happened the first time I had lots of times where I felt so miserable! I’d cry myself to sleep! I’d feel lost. Then I started to get stronger. I couldn’t stay too down because I had my 2 little d’s beautiful faces looking at me every morning expecting me to make everything alright! And I did! I started getting involved at my dd’s school and then I started a course! Which is always a very good idea if at a loose end! If you can get children in to child care or they are st school start a course! You won’t pay anything up front! You just pay when you get a job that earns over £22k a year! I know you can’t do that forever but when it’s new and you are trying to be on your own it’s really healthy to have something for yourself to do, that can take your mind off the pain and give you some hope and something to look forward to going every week! You get to meet new people and you are educating yourself or enhancing your skills depending on what you choose to do. Once you get sorted with money that’s a weight off! I had given up my job if 10 years prior to our split and I’d always worked! Since leaving school. To be out of a job and single with Dc’s Was scary and new territory for me! But as I was working towards something it gave me hope that I was going to be ok and able to support my little family in the long term. I got to know other mums and was out and about with them a lot. Because I worked in the school I was close to my kids and had again something to look forward to each week so you could volunteer at the school your child is or will be going to. Hear kids reading once a week for example. As long as your dbs is clean. Tgen there is tge groups you can go to with the kids! Sometimes they are daunting and you might not get on with everyone or become buzzom buddies with all tge other mums but I went to a group with my baby d just recently and though I hardly spoke to another mum/grandparent because it was very clicky I felt amazing for going because my baby had the time of her life! She was shy like me but started to get her confidence up and it was lovely to see that. She also (18mnth too) didn’t tantrum once while we were there and was really well behaved! So it can serve as a break too! Nights were worst for me! I was used to him being there now he wasn’t! I’d feel so lonely. Since my baby d has been born he hasn’t ever slept in my bed with me anyway! He doesn’t want to be disturbed from his precious sleep as he has work tge next day so sleeps downstairs or in the spare room so I’m used to him not being there now anyway! I actually feel ready to be on my own now! I just feel extreme sadness for my poor kids! But I believe I can be a better parent anyway without him! He always conflicts with me over everything anyway! Also I know tge post is over a year now and prob changed a lot since then when you posted but let me tell you, married couples are not all ‘happy’ nor any cpl’s! They just don’t tell you that they aren’t exactly perfect because the whole reason they are still together is because both are so desperate to ‘look perfect’ I’m not being funny but no woman who has lived with a typical type of man for any length can say she enjoys it and would choose to live with a man! Men and women are so different! I couldn’t care less if another man ever looked st me ever again after this one! He’s left such a bad taste in my mouth! Looking forward to kids being in bed and watching what I like in tv and wearing my pj’s with a glass of wine and waking up to my beautiful baby faces in the morning and never having to put up with him ever again apart from seeing him when I have to for our kids sakes! I know it’s not easy and you get tired and I’ll and those times are the worst ever to be on your own while a little one needs you but you can and will survive it’ it’s a cliche but defo what don’t kill you makes you stronger! When your kids grow up they may like you or may not! They may blame you or they may love you all tge more because you stood by them and looked after them through thick and thin in bad times and good and when they needed a hug because someone was mean to them at school or when they had a bad dream it was you who comforted them not the lame ass parent who couldn’t hack it or stick around! So when they grow up if they are ungrateful for all your efforts that could happen anyway if you’d stayed with their father but there a greater chance they’ll love you and bond with you more and have high respect for you knowing you were always there no matter what! Your child wasn’t a tool to get you tge ideal lifestyle. Your child is a human being and it’s your duty to take care of them and love them best you can you will mistakes who doesn’t! ? Don’t beat yourself up though. Forgive yourself and remember you can only do what you can! Stuff lame ass parent! Not worth you shedding a tear on their dirty arses! They won’t be young forever! One day a very sad old person with nobody to live or live them! The days will be hard and long at times but the days where you cuddle, feel safe, feel complete, laugh, talk, play and bond beautifully with your child, tge hugs and kisses, tge made mother’s days cards from school more than make up for the awful days and more than make up for some supposed other half that would just drive you mad anyway!

How do you all cope been givin contact of my son as his muvva had a breakdown. I feel bad that i dumpt him on my ant on weekends to get drunk to cope wit it all. Should I jus tell socal to take him back to his mother who now lives with her bf in scunthorpe who i think chose him over her son? I don't like takin him to school as it's draining on me and crampin my lifestyle.