initial visitation agreement for toddler and baby

[sillywmama]

Hi,

I'm in the first week of official separation following discovery that H has another woman. I'm 14 weeks pg and have a 17mo. His family are putting the pressure on for me to get in touch with an initial proposal for contact/visits already. I don't want to rush into anything I may regret, or undermine myself by being unreasonable or not making a good case for what I want contact to look like.

I want as much information as possible about the psychological needs of babies (up to 3 years old perhaps?) that will help me put together a strong case for H having to come to us regularly, with no overnights outside of my home for the newborn and minimal disruption for my toddler. I'd like to have a basic plan for the next 12 months. I don't know if that is realistic? I'm not anti overnights completely for 17mo DS in principle, but I don't want H to try and take him for 2-3 days at a time while I try to establish a new routine in a new home, and introduce a new baby in July. I am willing to have XH visit in my house, several times a week, but for short periods (an afternoon or morning, maybe doing the bedtime routine twice or three times a week etc).

I am trying very hard to put aside how I feel about him as a person and focus on what my kids will need (to know their father) but the thought of my newborn and my toddler being away from me for a full day, or overnight, makes me sick with anxiety right now. Also, I can't believe it's good for them or in their best interests to be ferried about the place and stuck in travel cots here and there while everything settles down just to satisfy his desire to see them.

I also don't want the OW to be involved in their care, but I don't know what grounds I have to refuse (please, if there is anything I can do to avoid this in the short term - say til baby is 6mo at least - please, please advise me!!) I know in time things will improve and as the babies grow they will settle into this being normal. But for me, its hideous. I need to keep my sanity as well as involve him, for the sake of the kids. If it were up to me I'd never see the man again but children change things.

If there are articles you know of from journals of psychology, legal precedents in the uk etc that might be helpful to me (or anyone else in this situation) please post them here :(

I think one of the problems is you obviously want the very best for your children and you're stuck making a lot of difficult decisions between various 'second choice' options. Ideally, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be moving away from your children's father (ideally, you didn't want to be put in this position in the first place) but you're trying to make the best choices you can under the circumstances. Its important you are happy and have support and that will have a significant positive impact on your children's wellbeing. There is such pressure put on parents for things to be perfect - but perfect is impossible under the best of circumstances and you have been put in a position where things are out of your control. You also can't control your ex's actions and if he continues to choose not to have contact there isn't much you can do. I agree it is his responsibility, but might it be better to leave aside questions of responsibility and contact him? Maybe he is feeling too guilty to contact you (and so he should) but in your children's interest it might be worth breaking the ice.

Despite plan b choices, children are adaptable. Believe me, child psychiatrists never worry about lack of 'perfect parenting' or perfect situations - they only ever talk about 'good enough parenting' though that always sounds a horrible phase to me! I've not met you of course but you sound to me like a reflective and caring mother and for that reason I really think your children will be fine. Because of who you are, it means you could probably think up a hundred different contact patterns and your children would still be fine and form a strong secure attachment with you.

With regard to your question about evidence from psychology. I've had a look at some of the things you've found. One difficulty with a lot of psychological research, particularly when it comes to something like this is its very difficult to get a high standard of evidence. You can't do a randomised control trial - imagine dividing divorcing couples and children into randomly assigned contact patterns! This means advice is based on theories, observational studies and expert advice and therefore (despite what some psychologists would like to think) becomes very difficult to base any detailed absolutes on or really say which contact pattern is best in any given situation.

I don't think what you've found is that old although one of the theories that comes up frequently is attachment and attachment theory and you need to be careful what is meant by this in any given context. Some of the articles do seem to use quite an outdated and simplistic view of a complex theory. Attachment theory is a major paradigm in psychology and is frequently quoted in studies looking at children in divorce but there are things that don't fit and are relevant to contact arrangements: for example, in some cultures babies are looked after by many caregivers and do not seem to have any more attachment difficulties than cultures where there is one main caregiver. In some, babies are breastfeed by more than one woman but still form a primary attachment with the mother. The idea that there is one attachment figure is also very outdated and a bit of a misunderstanding anyway - most children have several strong attachments by the age of 18 months although often there is one primary one. There are lots of other inconsistencies too and other theories and factors that are relevant. For example, even very young children often have to be in childcare for many hours and if handled sensitively this does them no harm. Or children adopted at birth sometimes want to know about their biological parents and feel this adds to their sense of identity - they obviously haven't got an attachment to them so something else is at play here.

Perhaps in the absence of great evidence, use attachment theory to inform your decisions about how to make a given contact arrangement work? You aren't going to be in a position where your ex can easily form an attachment with the new baby so it makes theoretical sense that this would need to happen before your ex has him/her for very long periods at all. However, doing your best to ensure that is possible for baby/ex will be in your childs interest. Your toddler has already formed an attachment to him and will probably be missing him. He may be upset that he has disappeared (a month is a very long time at that age) and you might need a period of time for reintroductions. Keep an open mind and be flexible. If something isn't working, discuss it with your ex and change it if need be. If you can avoid conflict with him then you are much more likely to be able to develop a responsive coparenting relationship that will benefit your children and a contact pattern that can change and develop with them rather than something rigidly imposed from outside.

Obviously it is all dependent on whether your ex is willing to step up to the mark and be a good father but whatever happens they will still have you.

thank you so much for your reply, lots to think about - I really appreciate your taking the time to send such a thoughtful response. I agree it's going to take time and things will change over the coming months/years. I'm going to bite the bullet before the end of the week and invite him to spend some time with DS this weekend, even if he hasn't been in touch. I don't want DS to suffer any more than he has to and I know I am going to have to be the bigger person in that respect - even if I sob into a pillow when he picks him up!! Thank god I'm not the only one who has been through this. It helps a lot to know I'm not alone. My family has no experience of divorce (parents/sisters etc) so although they are being wonderful and supportive, I still feel very much like the odd one out and like a disappointment. I hope I can build a home filled with love and trust and happiness, just the way I wanted to with XH - even without him.

He's shown no interest in your DS or your future child since leaving and you're about to move 3.5 hours away. I really don't think you're going to get him visiting you regularly, do you? His mother and sister might if they're only 30 mins away, but do you think he's going to do a seven-hour round trip on a weekly or bi-weekly basis just to be allowed a short visit with the kids in your house? If he works then that would mean him spending a whole day out of his weekend every week or two just driving to yours.