Ex wants to take DD to France for a holiday.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

We split up 7 months ago, just before DD's first birthday. Since then she's seen him once or twice a month, generally for a few hours at a time. Today they had the whole day together for the first time.

Over the last few months he's been talking about moving to France. On his last visit it was all off, now it appears to be all on again.

Since he left this evening he's sent a text asking if I would get a passport for her. I've asked what his plan would be and he says he would fly over to pick her up and then bring her back. He didn't state how long he would want her to stay for.

He says he would probably be moving in early spring, so DD would be almost 2 by then.

Now this is a man who changes his mind more often than I change my underwear, so it's by no means definite. However, I need to prepare myself just in case. I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it. In previous conversations about him living there we've mentioned me taking DD over there rather than her being there without me.

I can't bear the idea of not being in the same country as her when she's still so young. She's never spent a night with him; the only time she's spent a night away from me she was with my parents who she knows pretty well.

Has anyone experienced this? Am I being over sensitive?

It just seems a bit strange that if he's been talking about this for several months, he hasn't been looking to do a bit of preparation here on the visiting front first, like extending his visits with her, increasing frequency, arranging somehow to have her overnight.
All the barriers you've mentioned to this are kind of largely geographical, maybe financial...They're only going to be bigger issues when he's in France. If it had been me, I'd have been looking to do whatever it takes if I cared about how my DD would be with me.
It just doesn't sound very well thought out. The fact he's her dad won't matter a hoot to DD (2) if she doesn't recognise him as someone she knows, loves, trusts, understands is going to be ok with her.... And in practical terms, this is going to lead to an upset and disturbed DD which surely has the potential to create a horribly chaotic situation. Don't fancy his chances of flying back with her solo if she isn't happy!

Maybe tell your ex that he needs to work up to taking her away by starting to do overnights - which he should arrange.

Dont do stuff for him. he is an adult so he can work it out for himself. Give him some broad advice then let him get on with it. If you cant talk to him, write him a note and give it to him or put it in her bag. When we werent getting on I used to e mail my ex a list of stuff he needed to know.

My ex doesnt parent like me but I have learnt to take a step back. It doesnt really mattter if my kids only eat pizza and chips at his, and dont get a bath everyday, as long as they are happy (and do their homework!). All in all he is a good dad and dad days are fun as they are different from boring old mum!

Tell him if he wants to take her out of the country he needs to plan to work up to this. Children rapidly get used to travelling if it is a regular part of their life. I have flown home before with my brothers child along with mine and handed her over to her mother back in the UK with no problems at all.

leo said: "he dotes on her and yes he looks after her well and she always has a good time when he visits"

so on that basis i cant see that it shoudl be such an issue.

hwever, doesnt sound liek it willa ctually happen anyway - so maybe it's "cross that bridge when it happens2 but if he goes on just say"when you ahve moved to france we can discuss - intially i will bring her out for a visit stay enarby and she can visit with you each day. if this goes well then maybe the next time. in the meantime, you need to figure out a place to stay where you can have dd overnight so she can get used to this and is fine about it"

as mrgin says most of looking after a child is "common sense".

from what you saying it sounds like you more concerned about ex's ability to care for a small child for any length of time?

but unless your ex has some significant mental health or other issues then there is no reason why he wont manage... you said he dotes on her and looks after her well so really, he should be able to work out how to make a meal, feed her etc. do it all for him or give him instructions and he wont learn ever...and if he wants advice surely he can ask his mother or his friends? or psot on mumsnet...

my exP - when he had the dc - used to text all the time asking how to do this that and the other - i ended up just ignoring, frankly he had to work it out for himself! when he was well in himself, he could do this himself very well. (later when he got more ill - MH - it was diff story he was unable literally to prepare meals etc and they did go hungry...)

expect your ex to be an adult and he will be - even if this means feeding them chips etc and not bathing every day.

sounds like you have an x similar to mine. sometimes he did not see the need to feed them. eg i went out to the supermarket for 3 hours asking him to feed them in the next half hour as they were hungry. I came home to find they hadn't had any lunch and it was 7 hours since they last ate. he left ds in his cot in just a vest in winter, whilst he himself was dressed and tucked under a duvet. I found that he did not clean their teeth when he was doing bedtime as it was too difficult. (feel guilty fo rnot discovering this earlier.) he opened the 3rd floor window with the children in the room. he claimed he was watching them, but he was also "watching" them when dd spread poo over a large area of the living room and tried to wee in the toy frying pan which flooded the floor. he was in the room both times. he has told me that he can not watch both children at once. he has told me that he can not look out for cars coming if he is facing the other way. (good job i was watching ds whilst reading with dd in the car and shouted at ds to stop him running in front of a car!) he used to go to sleep on the floor and ds was screaming-crying in his ear when I went to investigate. he regularly fell asleep on the floor with the children half dressed and also asleep on the floor at bedtime. (i used to have to check on them everytime) he left a small toddler in the bath on its own to answer the phone as he knew his mum was going to ring. he regularly doesn't strap the children into the car seat correctly. he smacked ds when he was a baby because he weed when he took his nappy off.

if your ex is like this, I would seriously be considering whether he is capable of having your dd. he may of course be capable but has chosen not to look after her properly when you are there because it is easier. i think he should be working on building up his contact/involvement first.

He sees his child once or twice a month for a few hours?

Then he is not an equal parent. From the two year old's point of view - which is the most important here - you are by far the main parent and he cannot be seen to be a substitute for you. A two year old has no concept of time or distance, so it is out of the question he should be taking her out of the country. School-age, minimum, I'd say.

Now, if he'd been genuinely co-parenting, taht would be different. But he's a novice. And for that reason, he has to learn the ropes near to you.