Arrrggggh !!! My bonkers XP

[MrGin]

This is more of a rant than anything else.

I love my dd. I do all the right things as an NRP and more.

My XP has started making hand overs difficult by stringing them out as much as possible, hugs, kisses, more hugs, one last kiss, another hug etc etc she even got on the bus with us recently.

She's now come to the conclusion that dd isn't happy being with me. This despite only two weeks ago saying how happy dd was going to my house. If I didn't witness first hand dd being perfectly happy and anxiety free between pick up / drop off I would worry. As far as I'm concerned dd is happy, but XP has decided she's not and come to the conclusion dd is rejecting me. I've started ignoring pretty much everything XP says on the matter rather than arguing any points.

For the last three visits with me, dd , on getting ready to leave to go back to mums, has said ' don't want mummy, don't want mummy's house' . She's only 3 so my reading is that really what she means is that she's comfortable where she is and doesn't want to leave mine rather than not wanting mums iyswim. So I just carry on getting her ready and off we go. Not really an issue.

Apparently she's been saying the same to her mum when it's time to go to mine. But her mum rather than just getting on with getting her ready, is indulging her, giving her lots of attention and basically not getting her ready to leave. So when I turn up she's not dressed and is telling me she doesn't want daddy's house whilst her mum stands there smiling and agreeing with dd. When I say ' come on dd time to get dressed... isn't it mummy' . Mummy says nothing other than she's not going to make dd do something she doesn't want to do.

This happened last weekend. And literally within minutes of mum leaving the house to go to work, of her own accord dd was choosing a dress, putting her shoes on, choosing a toy to bring and leading me to my car with no problem at all. If she'd have shown any unhappiness leaving I would have changed direction and stayed at her mums.

My XP is somewhat of a control freak. She believes that dd shouldn't be staying with me at all ( except of course when her work takes her abroad and it's jolly convenient ) . And that I should only visit dd at her place. Basically making me a glorified child minder.

I'm seriously considering going to court and formalizing contact, which is the worst, worst scenario for dd but it's all starting to get very frustrating and despite a veneer of amicability I don't feel I can have a reasonable conversation with XP about all this. She just isn't reasonable. I can't work it out. It's like she can't accept that dd has a loving dad in her life. It's like she jealous or something.

Arrrghhhh !!!!!!

rant over. thanks for reading.

This is simply from my own experiance:

The Judiciary is the strange universe kind of running in parallel with the realities of the world rather running in it. As a male NRP you have to understand that what is acceptable contact for a farther will be seen through the eyes of whichever middle aged county court magistrate you get, their knowledge of understanding the family issues and child psychology will probably amount to "oh I don't know anything, I hate being put in the position of having to make really important dicitions that I have no background in." The magistrate will therefore look to CAFCASS for guidance, CAFCASS is overloaded and really hasn't got the resources to do anything more than make quick checks that the parents don't present a danger to the child and that both parents have some access to the child. So basically CAFCASS give the magistrate very little guidance to what's in the childs best interests.

So your left with something very close to a dice throwing exercise when it comes to using the court to determine contact, therefore it should be used with this in mind.

but it is only a court that can give a residence order /shared residence order, setting the residence in stone ie that they both equal legally. which as far as i understand it, residence order gives just that edge over simple parental repsonsibility - which op has anyway.

eg makes it simple for op to take child away on holiday for up to 28 days without asking permission (obviously one would imagine he would discuss it anyway but it mesns legally he and her can equally take child away on holiday etc. so even tho dd stays less nights per week with him - his status if you like is enshrined in law

If you take this to court:

It will cost you both loads of money - money that could be spent on your dd or saved for her future.

You will damage any chance of having a good working relationship with your xp. She obviously has a lot of insecurities and taking her to court would only compound this, especially if you were questioning residence.

Your dd will pick up on the increased animosity between you and it will make her unhappy.

You may end up with an arrangement that neither of you want and loose any flexibility.

You sound like quite a sensible, balanced person who will try everything possible to try and avoid court. Her behaviour is obviously irritating but I don't think it warrants court action. Her toddler groups are probably her support network and if they help keep her happy then this has knock on effects for your dd. It sounds like it's the changeovers which are the main problem. I know from teaching young children, when parents hang around, children are more likely to get upset.

Is it possible for you to have a conversation with your ex without your dd around? Or mediation? If you do, then be careful how to word your concerns. I personally find it really winds me up when I get any criticism from my ex as I work so hard to give my children the best childhood I can.

It may be that with time she will become more accepting of your role in dd's life, maybe not. But I think you should try absolutely everything possible to try and work together before getting courts involved.

So suck it up?

How about trying to find a moment when you and she can try to talk to each other without DD around? Could you sit down in a cafe or a pub and just talk? If that is not possible then go for mediation. Things will change when DD starts school. Try every avenue before you head for court. It will mean inflexibility, orders and resentment is a very likely outcome on both sides. If you can point out to her that you are likely to get every other weekend and a day in the week via court and no toddler group or dance class is going to be considered by the judge then she might be ready to get back and work with you.
You always sound so reasonable so is it possible you can ask her how she feels, what she feels about what is going on?

Mr Gin it will not cost you loads of money you can bring a case for contact through the Courts and it will cost a fee of £200.00... the only additional costs are travelling to the Court and potentially time off work.

Mediation will be ordered as standard, but if you say that you cannot afford this and have bank statements and agreements to back you up i.e. rent bills, utilities, insurances etc... as long as you don't have £300 or more spare each month then i'd definately go for it :)

Also if your daughter is only that age she will not pick up on the animosity either... i should know my daughter is 3 lol.

I definately agree you should talk to her... but again... i've heard this story before many many times and you are much more likely having a serious disagreement with your ex when you end up talking to her about this.

The fact that your ex would likely kick off so to speak about you taking her to court as essentially youd be challenging her dominance and control over your time with your daughter. One such reason i took my ex to court was that i was not seeing our daughter under her terms and her times... i don't regret court action for a second. If you have a controlling mother, Courts are most likely to get them to listen.

Im a RP and court action for us wasn't really unneccasary it would have moved on as and when DD was ready just wasn't quick enough for her dad. However, like going through the CSA I am glad we have contact set out in an order we both know where we stand and can get on with life. This time last year we werent even talking to each other and we were in Court for our final hearing last week and managed to agree to an order and then the judges just signed the paperwork. If you go through the courts you will probably be sent on a Separated Parents Course which whilst it didnt really cover my situation as we never lived together etc it maybe helpful for you and concentrates on the split from the childs POV, how they feel, think and the affects that the parents actions can subconsciously have on them which may well hit home for your ex.

I wouldnt bother going for residency as the courts don't make an order unless they see it as essential and she has said shes going to stop you seeing your DD she is just being a pain and not helpful. Also my solicitors told me that whilst 50:50 care was the ideal and given by courts a few years ago that they now recognize that unless the parents are on very good terms and live close together this isn't a realistic goal.

thanks again.

Yes, I should be clear, I am intending to attempt a face to face meeting without dd around as a first measure. I'm trying to arrange this at the moment. If that doesn't work out I'd reluctantly head toward the legal solutions. And I think there's actually a good chance that if XP was still being obstructive and difficult, she'd back down if court popped up on the horizon.

To be honest I think XP has much more to loose if the flexibility was removed from the current arrangement, I'm sure she knows that.

I think the issue facing me now is working out how to voice my concerns without XP getting the hump. No easy task. :)

I think you should take the legal route now while your DD is too young to know what is going on. if you wait until she's any older it sounds like your ex is the sort of person who will tell her all about it - painting you in not a very nice light along the way.

I don't think mediation works when one party is a little mad. It only works for two sensible adults who both want the best for the child.

I disagree with those who say that a 3 year old would not pick up on any animosity. My 2 year old picks up when there are problems between me and my ex. He might not know exactly what is going on, but he can pick up on the tension.

I tend to agree Mrs Colour.

I had one conversation with XP that started getting fraught, I looked across at dd who was 2 and I could see the anxiety on her face. I've never entered into or engaged in a conversation like that in front of dd since.

Dd who's 3 now always insists I give mummy a hug when I go there, she's obviously realized now that mummys and daddy's are usually together. The least I can do for her is to attempt to keep things amicable.

I have to say I'd stop the hug now. There is a stage that all kids pass through where they fantasize about mum and dad getting back together - this is just prolonging her passing through that IMO. And what will either of your new partners make of the hugs?

Mrs Colour is absolutely right, they do pick up on it, even babies. But what i meant is that once your DD gets older she will be more easily manipulated when told all the details of what "daddy's putting mummy through"

Of course all of the above is just my opinion based on what I have experienced and seen around me. I've also done heaps of reading on this so that i got it right for my DD and my DSD

My DD started to say "Mummmy kiss Daddy goodbye", we haven't been together since I got pregnant so shes not after us getting back together as she isn't used to us as a couple. I just think thats how they see people saying goodbye. I just said "No mummy doesn't kiss Daddy but I'll kiss you" I gave her a kiss, her Dad gave her a kiss goodbye and after a couple of times she didn't say it again

I also agree with Mrs Colours I don't think it matters how old they are they will pick up on the stress.