First Christmas since split...

[froggies]

background... ExP and I split in January, after 12 yr relationship. I have DS (15) and DD's (6&3) DS has no contact with ex; DD's have overnight mid week and overnight and one day at weekend with ExP. He lives very close by. ExP has a controlling personality, and gets angry when 'people tell him what to do' ie, he asked to do something he doesn't like, or 'people don't give him respect/do as they are told' ie he doesn't get his own way....
3 months ago I suspect (but have no proof) that he made a complaint against DS with regards to his behaviour towards DD1. This was duly investigated by the police and social services, and nothing was proven, but this initiated an investigation into ExP's behaviour towards DS, there was insufficient evidence to charge....
So, you get the picture of the kind of guy I am dealing with.

This year, Christmas day falls on a Sunday, DD's usually go to his sat night and all day Sunday. Obviously, it being Christmas day I would like them to be a home for Santa, but have no probs with them going to his later in the day. I suspect he isn't of this opinion as DD1 has already informed me that they will be at Dad's for Christmas. So, I asked her where she would like to be when she wakes up on Christmas morning, explained that Santa would leave presents both here and at Dad's, so wherever she was, she would get them... She said with no hesitation that she wants to be here for presents and breakfast, and then to go to Dads.
So, now I have to broach the subject with ExP.... Wherever possible I only communicate with him by text/email.... This is my first draught.... Asking for opinions! I am tempted to go into explanations of how the conversation went as he will think I have 'unfairly influenced her decision in order to disrupt his relationship with his daughters' (have had that one before) but am fairly sure they will be wasted.... But I am a little concerned he will take this as rude and it will lead to more angst from him....

Hi Xxx

DD1 has asked me if she can be at home on Christmas eve and Christmas morning to open her presents, and then come up to yours to open presents at your house and for the rest of the day.

I trust this won't be a problem.

Mjlovesscareypants, that is so sad for DSD, I hope things get easier for them as she gets older, then she can decide when she sounds time with DH, I hope you have a wonderful time on your Christmas :-)

Now moving on to next draught... Tink he may think I am 'telling him what to do' so any comments of re-wording are welcome!

hi ExP,
I think the girls would benefit the most from having Christmas day in one place, rather than to try and swap them between your house and mine mid day. I am sure that they would rather get the opportunity to spend a day playing with their new toys rather than being moved, it will also make the whole getting Christmas dinner on the table a bit less stressful if there is no rushing to have them ready to move at a set time in order to 'share ' the day between us. I propose that we take it in turns year on year to do this.

I suggest, as Christmas falls on your usual contact time this year, that they come to you at the normal time, and then back home at the normal time. I will have a Christmas celebration with them on a different day.

Then next year they will spend christams day with me.

We can move your normal contact day as necessary to make sure you have them for either the day before or day after on the occasions where you do not have them for Christmas day.

I hope that you find this a fair and workable solution to make sure that the girls get a good Christmas.

It is agreed, he will have them for his normal contact time which covers Christmas eve and Christmas day, and next year they will be with me for Christmas day. Dd's were given the option of our Christmas the day before or the day after, so we are having Christmas on boxing day :-)
Collecting pressies I have ordered in town tomorrow :-)
Swithering wether to tell ExP what I have got them, he wants me to, but he knows I am getting DD1's bike which is the only big thing that would be silly to duplicate, because really if anything else is doubled, it means they get to keep one at his and one at home.
When insisting I told him what me and my family were getting, he said he had already bought some, but hasn't told me what (and at that point I hadn't done any shopping at all; and other than the bike, had't really though about it).....
Wondering if he really does want to prevent doubles, or if he is doing the whole 'you have to tell me everything you do that could possibly involve the girls' thing (which is really my entire life....) at least the contact thing is sorted :-)

It is our first Christmas as separated parents as well. It falls on my weekend but I have suggested Ex comes for Christmas Dinner and sees the DCs (aged 11 and 7) opening their pressies and then we are going out for dinner with My Dad, sister and her partner. Then they go back to his folks for Boxing Day (too tight to rent his own place living on friends floor so can visit his girlfriend in Sweden every other weekend - sorry a bit bitter there!). There is no way I could deprive them of seeing him on Christmas Day. It will be difficult and sister not happy but better for kids. Also he has already booked New Years Eve (his weekend) away in Sweden.

We decided to share Christmas Pressies this year. I have bought them. He is going to pay me back and we are going to tell them they are from both of us. May be more difficult next year.

It would be easy if I could invite him round for the morning, but I wouldn't do that to DS. This is the first Christmas in years that I have looked forward to. Not worrying about if DS would do something or say something that would earn him a row or banishment to his bedroom, not worrying about the result of too much chocolate and too little sleep on the behaviour of the wee ones, not worrying about someone getting up too early and getting a row for being out of bed, or having to put the wrapping paper in the bag before opening the next pressie, or any of the miriad of stupid things that I used to worry about in an attempt to keep it calm so that ExP would have a nice day.
I do hope that he is more relaxed with DD's at his on the day, but it is his house and his parenting and there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to concentrate on haing a fab day x2, and if that means getting up at 5 am and us all falling asleep in front of the tv after a chocolate crash.... With wrapping paper and packages shock still on the floor.... Then so be it :-D