Did anyone here choose to be a lone parent?

[timetobeme]

Firstly, this is my first post here so hello to everyone. Secondly, I hope this is the right place to post, I couldn't find the question anywhere else.

Briefly, I am pushing 40 and because of some silly decisions in my past, am very much single and just not meeting men who want to have children. I have wanted to be a mum for a long time, but did not want to go it alone or deprive a child of a father. In the last couple of years I have had flings but felt it would have been wrong to get deliberately pregnant. Because of my age I am now feeling desperate and thinking I may just have to just do this on my own. I am just looking for your thoughts on this.

in a way i did

i was 25 and in a relationship with someone who i knew was not right for me and i didn't really love or even fancy much by the end.

however i really wanted a child, even though i knew the relationship would not last. and i knew me and my baby would be ok on my own. and as i predicted we were absolutely fine. in fact in a lot of ways my time being a single mum made me a stronger person.

i then met my now dh when ds was about 18 months and now we have our own dd together. and ds has a good relationship with his dad. so i have no regrets whatsoever in doing what i did.

Providing you have a worthy support network it is possible, if you have a career and/or boss that can be flexible even better, there is always the benefit route but most of us do try and avoid it, believe it or not. It will be bloody hard work, I've been a single mum for over 7 years, to my eldest, possibly asd son 9yrs and I also have a 3 yr old son conceived via very short (6 hours?) relationship (broken condom!). It is really hard work, and there are people that will put you down for being a single mum, but those type of people aren't worth bothering with, This is your life and therefore your choice.

GossipWitch I have a son with ASD too - OP it's worth thinking about issues like SN, especially as you're at a greater risk at your age. Statistically it's still a small risk of course, but very few prospective parents ever consider the worse case scenario and I found that it really turned my plans upside-down. All your intentions about returning to work and using a local childminder can backfire completely if you can't access childcare due to your child's needs and need to spend your time juggling medical/education meetings.

And it's not just your child's health you need to think about - you (or your support network) might develop health/other issues and without another parent to pick up the slack, it's extremely hard. I've seen this happen with my friend who was previously managing very well, had a good routine with work, but suddenly couldn't work and had to depend on social services intervention as there was no one else to call on.

I think being a LP itself isn't really all that stressful or difficult, as there are usually ways to deal with the lack of another parent and most women are capable enough. It is just when there are additional factors that come into play, like SN or health issues, or something happens to the support network, that things can fall apart, no matter how much planning you have done.

OP - here is a recent thread on the same subject:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1277115-single-parent-by-choice

HTH. And by the way, am firmly in the 'camp' of having a child, as a single parent by choice, via fertility clinic/donor.

I'm a lone parent, pretty much by choice, at 36. I have a beautiful bouncing baby girl of six months who is a joy and a pleasure. I can't say I find it particularly difficult; I don't mind the lack of sleep because every moment with my daughter is just wonderful. I know I few of you will be reaching for the sick bag at this stage but ah hec, I don't care.

Money is an issue but I saved like mad when I was pregnant, moved to a cheaper part of the country and am closer to my parents for support and babysitting whilst I start my own business to try and pay for the baby yoga, baby signing, baby lawdy knows what next.

Now I look back over the past year and a bit and thank my lucky stars I have such a wonderful little bundle of loveliness!

Timeto just go for it forget about negative statement like "Go and live with a single mum for a week - come here if you like - experience the poverty and the lack of child support from the father..."
This is bullshit, I have many singlemums friends and they are all laughs and smiles and working hard on herself to be good mamas. I am myself pregnant and nearly there, I would have loved doing that child with a sperm donor but this was an accident with someone I had just an affair with.

I would have done without him but for the sake of my daughter to be I made the choice to let her have a relationship with her father.

I am also not rich but I manage and will manage even more with or without help.

thanks this is really helpful

Thanks for all the megs, particularly for those that didn't tell me to get a cat!

lol, have just got a cat! I am a lone parent not really by choice, though I did have treatment to have dd after dh died so strictly speaking it was. Tis bloody hard work, dd is 6, but just so wanted a child and i was 39 when i had her. It's not easy but I would still say go for it.

Mrgin you sound like a descend guy wish my ex was like you :)

Hi timeto. I'm a SMBC. Was in late 30s and finding the sound of the ticking body clock too much pressure for a new relationship, so went the sperm donor route.

Be aware of the timescales - saw my GP in May 2007, had my introductory hospital appointment in August and started IUI treatment in January 2008 (waiting list for sperm donor) but missed ovulation the first month so was the February cycle really. Got pg on first attempt but miscarried, then had another 7 IUI treatments without success which took me to December, then was on another waiting list for IVF which I had in April 2009 - thankfully was successful. DD was born 7 weeks early in November that year.

Using sperm donor is expensive but don't automatically go private, my doctor referred me to NHS and all the initial tests, bloods, clear tubes etc, were free. Then I only had to pay for actual treatment, any failed cycles were free. My IUIs were £650 each time, but that's good preparation for paying for childcare later. IVF was nearer £4,000. If you can afford it, it may be worth going straight for IVF as IUI success rate is very low with donor sperm, but be prepared for 3 IVF attempts.

I had plenty of people willing to be my birth partner, so don't worry about that one.

As for the coping with a child side, it is really, really tough but manageable. Each stage has its issues, cluster feeding and the scratching, pinching, biting phases have been the toughest for me. There will be days when you think you can't cope, but also days that are the best you've ever had and these keep you going.

I don't have any family nearby and the friends I have locally are either still childless and in that not very interested in kids mode or have their own kids and I feel it would put on them too much to ask them to help. Having said that twice when I've had a sickness bug on a weekend, there's been someone able to come over. It would be easier with family nearby, but it's not impossible without.

Be prepared to change your life more than you anticipated. I found it too hard to work full-time and have dropped my hours at work for a year, which has made things very difficult financially, but I love my Mondays with my daughter so its worth it. I also have a day a fortnight when she goes to nursery and I don't work which is great for hair cuts / opticians / catching up on sleep.

Hope that helps. Sorry so long. Check out the Donor Conception Network website for more single mother by choice thoughts and stories.

Personally, I could never have gone down the donor route, having a baby with someone id never met icks me out but i can see it has its advantages over unprotected casual sex in other ways so i can understand why some people choose that route.

For me, i think it was inevitable that id become a single mum. Ive always been v independent and self sufficient and i wanted to be a young mum. I knew that young men generally dont want wedding bells and babies so i knew id end up flying solo to get what i wanted.

Tbh, a decade on, having experienced lone and partnered parenting, i found lone easier a lot of the time. You can focus 100% on the child without having the distraction of a relationship. And there's no wifework!

Thanks Margery, this is helpful.