Feeling like giving up. ExP won't support me at all and even blames me

[itsnotpossibleisit]

Hi all,

I have had my first formal meeting wiht ExP and the health visitor. Things went ok I would say up until the end when we were living and DD wanted to go with her dad which it is completely normal. He said that he was going back to work but could give us a lift. I told him that it was not necessary as previosly he has always through it to my face when he has done something for me (even before we separated and after separation) and then while he was having DD in his arms he told her "mum does not want to get in the car" . I told him that his coment was not very helpful and he replied that I am not helpful at all. As always anything I say he transferes it to me.

When we arrive to the house (my house) DD was not very happy that dadda was leaving and she started this big tantrum, hitting me, pulling my hear, throwing things on the floor, and he left without saying anything to her or me. He has previously said that DD never has tantrums with him and she only has them with me.

I am feeling very low at the moment. I do not believe we will ever be able to co-parent together and everytime I see DD go running to him and huge and kiss him my heart breaks. Would she be better with him? Should I just say you can have her and I am the one with the visiting rights? I know at the moment I am very hurt with his behaviour this afternoon but I do not have any energy left for this fight. Too many things going on and nothing seems to go in the right way for me at the moment, everything is problems. I knew that it would take a while before things would start improving but I never expected him to do hat he is doing. How can he leave without even mentioning that the behaviour DD was having is not acceptable?It makes me think that he makes comments in front of DD hat are not very appropiate and maybe that is why DD always comes back from his house when she stays over so angry with me.

Thanks for your time reading

That's the thing, you cannot stop him messing you around, you cannot do anything to change him. You can only change yourself and how you response to him messing you around. You want to reach a point where it's water off a duck's back. So fake it.

Think about a specific incidence when his behaviour has upset you and how you reacted. Then think about how you would have reacted if he were that vaguely annoying relative. Create that image of not bothered you in your head. Do the same before having contact with him, think about the sorts of things he'll do and how not bothered you would react. Then pretend to be that person when your in his presence. It won't be easy, because his behaviour will still hurt, but everytime you do it, it'll get easier. Then one day you'll realise, you really are not bothered. You might even find that he gives up somewhere along the line because you're not playing the game properly.

Kladdkaka: wise words. I am going to work on it. I really need to change the way I think. The main problem is that I always think about how other people will feel instead of putting my feelings first which in some cases I really should, like with my ExP as he does not seem to bother at all how things are going.

I had to stay with ds at bedtime for the first 3 months or so after I split with h. he needed reassurance that mummy was not going to disappear because daddy did. I gave him a longer nap in the day and went to bed at the same time as him.

ds also has more tantrums on the days after he has seen daddy because he is presumably confused by seeing daddy then not seeing daddy and doesn't know how to say this and just tantrums. dd's behaviour is sometimes affected too.

thanks blackeyedsusan. It seems my DD's behaviour is very similar to your son's. The only thing I see is that maybe my DD needs longer as we have already been separated for 3 months now. I know I am not ready for CC and the thought of having to do another sleeping technique at the moment drives me mad and I do not have the energies at the moment. So I guess we will carry on doing what we are doing for a bit longer. It may also not help that DD is sleeping in my bed as I have not been able to buy her a bed and given the financial situation I am at the moment I don't think I will be able to buy her one in ages

Actually, there is a way to prevent crying at all while peeling and cutting onions - rinse them under the cold water tap while peeling them. Leave the kitchen window open, if the kitchen has a window. And never rub your eyes. Have always managed this successfully. See - your exH doesn't know as much as he thinks he does!

Chin up - take the high road and ignore his jibes.....just a sign of someone desperate to get oneupmanship.....and your daughter will play up because of the instability, and the hostility she senses (even if it's all coming only from him). I read somewhere that young children only throw tantrums with the people they feel most secure with, ie you, so in a way it's sort of a backhanded compliment! And it's quite possible he is wearing her out (eg late bedtime, trips out too tiring, having to walk long distances) so that she's cranky when she gets back home (and the crankiness can last till the next day).....cue early bath and bedtime when she's back from her time with him.

You can do this - you're stronger than you think!

Hi kipperandtiger, thanks very much for your tip, next time I will be prepare . And also thanks for your comments.

After a couple of tough weeks I am trying to deal with it better. I did put my foot down on thursday night and even though at first I was very anxious it felt really nice to be able to say what I really think without letting him to puy me down , at last

:)

Hmm - just be careful also that your ex isn't saying nasty things about you to your DD when your DD visits him. When she is calm and settled (eg 3 or 4 days after the time with her father), it's worth asking her what she did, what she liked, and anything Daddy said (not all in the same conversation, more like a question here and there during the course of the day). I didn't see if you said what age your DD is, but if she is 3 or more, she can recall things in the last week fairly accurately. Don't ask her yes or no questions, but open ended ones (eg "Did Daddy talk about Mummy?" rather than "Did Daddy say Mummy is mean?")...because yes or no questions tend to be answered by children according to what they think you want to hear rather than the truth, if they sense you are angry/stressed/upset. Sounds like your ex is feeling pretty antagonistic and that would be easy enough for him to do.

Thanks for your tip about asking DD questions. She is 24 months tomorrow so it is a bit difficult for her to tell me what they have done. I suspect that he does say things about me as last week he offered to give us a lift and I said no. He then said to DD "mum does not want to get in the car" which makes me think that he may say other things behind me. It seems to take er 2 days to calm down and recharge bateries after sleeping at his.

I think at 3 they can remember things pretty accurately, at 2 years they might have difficulty recounting actual words or phrases. Well, I bet he's not exactly saying glowing things about you very often -as you say, his comment about the lift suggests that he could well be saying negative things behind your back. Still kids, are pretty sharp, and though they don't say it, a 2 year old can subsconsciously start to tell who has their best interests at heart - they read body language and can tell who's interested in them and who just pays them lip service, because they are not confused by the vocabulary adults hide behind. I would really go with the fatigue theory.....and I bet she gets more cuddles and reassurance from you when she has a meltdown than from him! And at the end of the day, that's more important. Keep going, I think you are doing a great job.

Hi kipperandtiger. Thanks again for your comments I will try to remember next time we have a difficult day

DD behaviour is always difficult when she comes back and I know thatlast weekend she kept calling him "mum" which he was not very happy about it. He mentioned it when he dropped her off as she told him again "bye bye mum"

oh yes, the back from seeing daddy strops. just as daddy was leaving ds bit his sister, and again later. he is normally tired and cranky after seeing daddy, with lots of tears over not much at all. he is also extremely distressed if he loses anything.