Need someone to help me put things in perspective please. Sorry a bit long, bear with me please

[yetama]

A bit of brackground: XP and I separated almost two months ago and DD (22 months old) and I moved out of the family house, he has kept the house we bought together. She seems very happy in the new house and loves going with her dad. She has dinner twice a week with him and comes back home at bed time and sleeps over at his one night each weekend.

My problem starts when DD retuns after sleeping at his. Today she came back home and she was very happy playing with the new train set that I bought her and the Mrs Potato Head. Everything was fine up until 5 minutes into dinner when she decided that she didn't wanted to eat anymore and wanted to watch Shrek. Food is not a problem as DD eats very well and my phylosophy is if she doesn't want to eat I do not force her, she will eat more next time. I explained her that I was eating and that I would not put Shrek untill I had finished my dinner. She then started to smash my plate while looking at me. I gave her a warning and she carried on soing it so I sat her on the first step in the stairs (very close to where I was eating) and I carried eating as if nothing was happening while she was screaming like crazy. After a minute I went and explained her why I had sat her on the step and asked a hug and a kiss as an apology (she can't say sorry yet) which she refused. I sat her again and waited another minute and had the same outcome. It lasted 20 minutes and then she decided that wanted to follow me around the house while screaming mummy. I was ignoring her as I was still waiting for an apology. This behaviour didn't stop until I put her in bed which means we were like this for 46 minutes. She crying and me trying to ask her to calm down to be able to talk with her which didn't work.

What I can't understand is how it is possible that this type of behaviour only happens with me and not when she is with her dad. Is she testing me? or is he lieing to me? He always says that with him she behaves fantastically well and never has tantrums. Is this possible? If this is the case, should she be better with him than living with me?

To be perfectly honest I was amazed how pacient I was during this big tantrum. Probably because I have had a good rest the previous night. I just don't understand what I am doing wrong. Am I just being a horrible mum and my DD should live with him? I really wouldn't like this but I am starting to question my capabilities to do the right thing. I think that I am a good mum and try my best to do what is right even if it means that I have to cope with a tantrum. Why is she like this with me? Is she getting it back because of the separation? Help please.

Sorry if it does not make to much sense I am lost and I don't know what to do.

I just got the book so hopefully it will arrive soon because I need some reading on this subject if I want to be able to understand DD and how she may feel

she is very young - she will cope and adapt. will be good test for your ex to be honest ! .

the point about time out being one minute for age is good one - it it's gone past that one - well give her the attention she seeking. as others said - you know maybe she was really tired and just needed cuddles, shrek and bed. you know best - but given the situation and the short time since split maybe you can be more "lax" on some behaviour/house rules issues ?

eg let her watch DVD while you eat dinner - why not?

Hi Cestlavielife. I am already picking up my fights. I know it is not worth it to fight for everything but I really don't think it is a good idea for her to be watching Shrek while I am eating. I did tell her that once I had finished I would put it. I also got the feeling that she didn't wanted to eat because she wanted to watch Shrek so I don't agree with finishing dinner before she is really full to watch shrek and then to ask for food again. Am i being to strick?

She got plenty of hugs and kisses while in the bath and in bed while I was readig her a book and while she was pretending to read me a book which I found hilarious

well it is your rules - if you want to do "formal" dnners and when everyone finished you get down from table and watch DVd etc...yes it is good manners to learn.... but in this case - from what you said - you didnt get to eat dinner anyway as you were busy doing the time out thing?

i dunno - we often have "TV dinners" - bad yes maybe - but if we have people round or go to other people they know to wait til all have finished.

but if it's you and a nearly two year old who has just come back from dad-s -and maybe is tired etc - well maybe I would be slack and say hey let's do a TV/DVD dinner and let it go...

but maybe others would say no it is proper to learn to eat and only when everyone has finished (eventho it only you and her) do you get to get down and watch a DVD....

or - if she watches DVD well if she asks for food again then DVD gets turned off if she has a second course later? so you stick to no TV with dinner kinda rule.

i dunno - your rules... you decide when/how you can let things go and what conditions - what things are ok to be slack on coz life is hard enough as a LP... and maybe the treat is back from dad - we do tv dinner together....and you can still teach the manners and social graces at other times ? or is it important to you that eating (by anyone in the household ) is always done without distraction? you decide...

if she doesnt get DVD - is she supposed to just sit there while you eat? or is allowed other stuff eg drawing while you eat? she is under two... how were you brought up?

ps friend of mine who i consider very well brought up etc, not at all "chavvy", and her dd - she married so no LP excuse - just bought them all these lap trays www.habitat.co.uk/eliza%20lap%20tray/wc_fulfil_location_bfcp-product/977315 - she said well you know we do reguarly eat and watch TV, ...it is ok you know...

Hi cestlavielife. We do TV dinners but only on sunday when we are having food like pizza . I do not expect an almost two years old to sit until I have finished. We always have dinner and then pudding and once pudding has finished she can get down even if I have not finished and play. If one day for any reason she does not want to eat which it is not very oftern she can get down and play until I finish and then we can watch a DVD.

We don't have TV at home so we watch DVD with the computer. She can watch DVDs while I am preparing food unles she wants to help me. This means she watches DVDs while I prepare lunch and while I prepare dinner. However I think you are right maybe the day she is back from her dad's I should be a bit more flexible and allow a bit more. Not that I think I am very strickt but I really think lunch and dinner time is to sit on the table ad enjoy the food instead of concentrating on a DVD. Am i being too bad ?

When I was little we never watched TV while eating, only once we had grown up and we didn't make a mess while eating. But I know that I don't want to follow my mum's steps as there are plenty of things I dissagree with

yeh maybe think about making life as easy and relaxed as possible when she coming back from dad - make it easy transition .

offer alternative activity toy book while you sitting at table then? if she has to wait?

and prob her behaviours are attention seeking when she comes back - she wants your full attention ? or to distract with DVD ?

My 3 year old is always very demanding on the day he comes back to my house. I try and have a really easy day with him.

I think you just need to cut her a bit of slack, she is very young to be going through all this. She is lashing out at you because you are her mum, she knows you are her 'safe place' where she can let out her darker feelings because you are not going anywhere. Try and take a bit of comfort from this (hard I know!), but this is not happening because you are a bad mum, but because you are a good mum.

I wouldn't have done such a long naughty step with her, a different approach may work. For instance if I can tell that my DS is freaking out and losing control with his anger, it's much more useful for me to say 'I can see you are feeling very angry and upset, would you like me to give you a hug to help you calm down'. He always says yes, and when I hug him his little heart is always banging away, reminding me how hard and stressful this situation is for him at the moment. After he as calmed down I can explain why I didn't like the behaviour and he will say sorry then. He's obviously a bit older than your DD, but my point is mainly that she is probably hugely stressed by this situation and some calm hugs are probably more useful than naughty steps etc.

Thanks amicable, I take you point. It is just difficult to know how to doeal with this situations. I always try my best but as anyone I make mistakes. The problem with DD is that she has a really strong mind and even if I offer her hugs she will say no. Or she may ask me to pick her up and when I do it she will be screaming to put the on the floor. Although I will try this and other advice people has been giving me next time. However next time will be once she will be back from holiday which it may be horrible. I have to wait and see. At least her dad told me yesterday that I will be allowed to call them while previously he has told me that better no to call them

Oh and his reason was that where they are going the reception is not very good and it never seems to work