What should I do about ex's new wife being horrible to me?

[lavand]

Hi
I have had this problem since last October. My children's father and my ex husband has recently married. He and I split up 9 years ago, long before he got together with her. I have known her for about 6 years as she lives in the same village and children go to same school etc. Everything was civil and fine until they got married. My ex and I had a few issues with our dd (12) over the past year about her not wanting to visit etc, but that has now been sorted. Then of course problems do crop up with parenting and my ex and I have had a few disagreements and different views on things. I think this is normal. Anyhow we still co parent no matter what.

I recently told him I was unhappy that our dd was left in bed asleep, in their house alone with her ds (11), while she went to work, with no phone line as they had just moved in that w/e. My ex was away for the night with our ds. I said it calmly and wished for it not to happen again. Since then she has been really frosty towards me, not saying hello when I say hello, walking away and giving me a dirty look when I drop kids off at theirs or at kids events at school. My dd is doing a show at school this week and my ex and his wife are coming to watch. I am taking my parents along too. I am really worried that there will be an atmosphere and she will make it obvious she does not want to talk to me and that she will blank my parents in front of my dd. So what do I do? do I say something politely to her or my ex in advance or just leave it and see what happens? I don't want an argument I would just like her to be civil and get over it. If she wants to come to my dd's events then I feel she needs to stop being so silly. We have a lifetime of this. Children may get married etc and will she blank me constantly, I feel it needs sorting.
Thanks.

Op, how would you have felt had she sent your DD to you that day?

Isn't the issue that the stepmum continues to be frosty and hasn't let this go? We're talking nearly 10 months here. Ok, she's pissed off that lavand questioned her judgement, but to be carrying like she is 10 months down the line isn't on, and is certainly not going to be doing the children any favours if it continues.

But whether it's worth talking to their Dad about it, or whether that will just make things worse I don't know. I think you're absolutely right lavand to want to get this sorted, but quite how you will achieve that if she isn't willing to meet you part of the way I'm not sure.

It was 4 months ago.

I think the dad needs to grow a pair and when lavand questioned him he should have stood by his partner and said he was okay with it, then spoken to her in private if in fact he wasn't. This is between them, not Lavand.

The other person should be more grown up but we don't know what else the dad is saying about lavand to his new partner.

Was it? I thought I saw October somewhere ! Still 10 months, 4 months, it's not on to be carrying on like she is. And it's not an issue between the ex and stepmum, it's a situation that involves all 3 of them.

But I do think you might have a point, and I wonder whether lavand's quiet word (which I think she was totally justified in having) wasn't translated to the stepmum in quite the same terms, maybe he's painted it a lot worse than it actually was hence her annoyance?

Just a couple of angles that i don't think have been covered:

Could she have taken your comments as a criticism of her DS (I realise this was not your intention but she may got the wrong end of the sick). As parents few of us take criticism of our DCs well, even when justified.

Also, could she have been sitting on a simmering grudge for some time of the sort that many people feel towards their partners exs, especially if they are still 'bonded' by DCs. If this was the case, she may be using the situation to validate her feelings towards you and blowing it out of all proportion.

I think the well being of my dd is my business even if she is with her dad. Just the same as he felt something needed talking about when dd or ds were with me. We co parent and talking to each other is key to good parenting even if we are separated. Of course there are some things that I let go, but this issue to me was too serious not to raise. I know she was only 5 mins away from me. But I was under the impression her dad was with her, therefore I could of not been in or in contact if she needed me. Isn't that one of the golden rules of leaving children alone. Her dad was over 100 miles away and his partner at work over 20 miles away, and there was no way of getting hold of anyone anyway as there was no phone.

I will see how my ex's wife is at my dd's show and if it is bad then I will follow it up pretty quickly. My dd's birthday party is at her dad's house (he has a bigger garden then me) in a month's time and I refuse to tread on eggshells and worry about the dirty looks and silent treatment then.

I am grateful for the replies and advice. Thanks

There are no golden rules about leaving 12 year olds alone I'm afraid. And as much as it is your business if there are genuine neglect issues, I'm sorry but it really is not your place to tell him how to parent your child. There is a moral dilemma for that of course, some feeling one way and some another but the legal fact of it is that it is his business.

I agree with marycorporate.

Maybe your exH and his wife think you mollycoddle your DD but think it isn't their business to say anything?

Consider yourslef lucky you are blanked. My ex's p, spreads rumours about me gives me dirty looks, shes shouts abuse at me in the street phone calls to dss and calls me at all hours(changed number now tho)... i would love her to blank me.
Ignore her i would.

I don't agree with leaving an 11 & 12 year old alone all day, either - a couple hours, sure, but a full workday is really pushing it, phone line or no. That said, it's a judgement call and I don't know the children involved. It may seem much less unreasonable in context.

Anyway... You all need to parent these children together, as she'll be acting as parent quite a lot over the years. Can you form a closer relationship with her? Do you like her (or did you before she started sulking like a toddler?)? Can you just stop her one day, and tell her how much you appreciate x,y or z that she's done for your children? Ask her if you can buy her a coffee/beer/glass or wine and talk?

She thinks you slighted her, and you kind of did. But she needs to respect that sometimes you'll have issues, and you all need to be able to talk. There will be numerous decisions you make as a parent that she wouldn't want you making for her DS, if the shoe were on the other foot. Try to think of a few examples.

Thanks. I am confident that I'm not making something out of nothing and I did raise it with exH. I have moved on from that now, as has my exH and I would have expected her to aswell, it's been months. It's my dd's show this evening so if there is dirty looks and blanking I am going to have a civil quite word about it soon afterwards, although not at the school or in front of children!

Triphop I agree and I do try to make conversation and offer her coffee because as you said this is for years to come. I don't have a problem with her at all and will just continue to be civil. I would love to have a nice chat with her but she doesn't even say hello to me anymore. I will keep trying.

It's a tough one. You could try a month-long campaign of complimenting her parenting: "DS said he loved the pasta you made a the weekend." "Thanks for helping DD with her math homework." See if any tiny cracks appear in the sulking.

Some people can hold a grudge and run with it for years. These are tough people to deal with, as they're just deadset on making their own lives more difficult. Hopefully she'll come round, and if not, you'll just have to deal with all this stuff via your ex-h and it will be unpleasant for everyone involved.

But I also think you were NBU to raise the issue.

Thanks Triphop, some very sensible advice. By the way what is NBU? Thanks

NBU = not being unreasonable

There's a whole section of mumsnet devoted to AIBU (am i being unreasonable). Sometimes the acronyms slip into other conversations!