ex has just proved how fucking low he is - and on fathers day of all days...

[juicychops]

background - he hasn't seen ds for 5 years (ds is now 6) it was his choice, he decided he didn't want anything to do with ds ever again. ds was just turned 1 so has no memory of his dad.

ds has asked questions in the past so ive tried to answer them as best and basic as i can so he understands. Ive told ds he does have a dad but he doesn't see him because his dad isn't a nice person and he decided when he was a baby that he didn't want a child anymore and that he only needs a mummy anyway.

ex has walked past us in the street numerous times over the last 5 years completely ignoring us and ds has obviously never recognised him. ex now has another son from another relationship who he does see (this son is 3). ex now has another one on the way with ANOTHER girlfriend.

so, ds stayed with his great aunt last night who he stays with one night most weekends and they have a fantastic relationship. she's like his nan. She took ds to the park this morning. ds was waiting at the bottom of a ladder for some girls at the top to move and a little boy came over to ds and was also waiting to go up the ladder. the little boy was ex's 3 year old son who ds doesn't know because ive never told him he has a brother.

this little boy called over to his dad (ex) 'there's another boy waiting' (or something like that), and ex shouted back ' thats your brother (then said ds's name).

ds totally confused doesn't know who this man is or who the child is. ds's aunt was fuming but didn't say anything as ds was there. they quickly left

Im so so so so angry. He has no NO fucking right to even say ds's name let alone say life changing things like that to him. How fucking dare he. if i knew where he lived i would go round there and ask him what the hell he wsa playing at

i don't know what to do. ds told me when he got in that a little boy said he was his brother and i said we'll have a chat about it, but i haven't yet. i don't know what to do or say. i know this is likely to happen more now especially as this other boy now knows what ds looks like, and now ex has done it once he's prob going to do it again. But how do i explain to ds who's only 6 that his dad didn't want him but has other children that he does see, and these are his siblings who he also can't see?

i was planning on waiting until he was a little bit older when he was at an age better to understand without making him feel rejected by the prick that is his 'dad'.

do you think i should sit him down and tell him everything? i just feel like it will be opening a can of worms that ds isn't old enough to understand properly yet.

i hate him for what he's done today and for everything else he's done to ds by disowning him, and all the pain he's gunna cause him when ds is older and finds out more about him. i hope this has made his fathers day. obviously had no thought for ds as he KNOWS ds doesn't know anything about his half brother so he's done this purely to be a fuck and to mess with ds's head. Or maybe he thought ds would be old enough to think 'you must be my dad then' and run into his arms. fucking bastard i hate him

i don't know what to do for the best for ds. Its always gunna be there, i just don't want to tell him things that he's not gunna fully understand cos he will then ask more questions about more things and it will be too much

thanks SGM glad some people are telling me im doing the right thing. i really am just trying my best to do whats right for ds. Just been to speak to the head teacher at ds's school just to let them know whats happened so ds's teacher can keep an eye on him and make sure he's ok, which im sure he will be.

Riakin, you have made me feel pretty shit to be honest

thanks

I dont think riakins posts were unfair at all.

I have to say if my XP did did anything like that to dd1 I'd kill him, that's if dd1 didn't get to him first.

I explained things a little differently to her, on my own terms. She has never clapped eyes on him in her life. I wasn't nasty or insulting about him, I just explained that he wasn't ready to be a Dad and didn't think he would be a very good Dad so he stayed away. She told me off her own bat that he was NOT her Dad. She has a Dad (DH, who is dd2's father) and doesn't want or need another one.

But I will advise you to be ready for more questions. You'll get lots of them when you are least expecting it. Dd1 has never had the truth hidden from her and doesn't often talk about XP but every now and again she'll ask something like "Do you think my other Dad would think I am pretty?" or "Was he good at reading in school like me", she still has no desire to meet him. I've always made it very clear if she wants to try and contact him me and DH will support her, but he might not reply to her. I have no idea if he has more children. I doubt dd1 would want anything to do with them anyway. I feel for his parents who are missing out on their first born Grandchild because he hasn't even told them about her, but I have no sympathy for him.

Riakin, you are out of order. In particular, implying that it must be somehow OP's fault that her ex is involved with one child but not another. This doesn't seem strange to me: my father had nothing to do with three of his children (including me). No visits, no child support, no birthday cards, nothing. He was semi-involved with another child. And lovingly raised another.

My mother was very careful never, ever to badmouth him to us. I really honour how she tried to handle it, but think maybe she went too far in that it was very difficult for us to understand his treatment of us. Worse, we had to reconcile the information we got on him from other sources (his extreme violence, sexual depravity, alcoholism) with the apparently decent man our mother described to us.

juicychops, I completely understand how upset you feel. You have had some good advice on this thread about how to talk to your son. My only suggeston would be that you accept you can only do your best with helping your ds through this, you cannot ensure it is easy for him. He will have to work through his own feelings about his father, and your role will be to support and comfort him, but not to lead or shield him.

Very best of luck.

Juicy - I don't think explaining to your son that his father is not a very nice person is such a bad thing. Daily griping and bad-mouthing is a different matter obviously but acknowledging that some people aren't very nice at leasts puts the onus on the father, not the son. It seems to me that there's less chance of your son feeling rejected or guilty if he accepts that his father didn't want anything to do with him because of his (Ex's) own problems/personality.

I would second asking the school for advice, or perhaps at your local Surestart - between them they should be able to suggest someone to help.

Hi Juicy, my ex was also abusive, mostly verbally but sometimes physical i took it for along time too. It is a very difficult and painful situation. I have tried to remain neutral with my DS but also honest (i agree with your no lies policy). My son is 8, he knows that his Dads family live near and don't acknowledge us, never seen his dad either, i stress that its their problems and issues, nothing to do with DS as a person. Things have hurt DS, but I feel that if i tell him the tough stuff it comes from someone who cares what he feels and we can discuss it, thats how i get through it. Also i just answer what he asks about, so kind of drip feeding him, feels easier for me that way too. The more we talk, the easier it has become, starting is the hardest. Its ok to be angry, sad, hurt i think if you express your feelings and explain them, your son will feel able to express his feelings also, and explain them to you.
As provinciallady said professional advice could help you both, the help i recieved changed me a lot.

Riakin's posts were unhelpful and quite unpleasant in my view.

It must be very difficult to deal with all this OP. I think being as honest as possible is your best option. The truth usually comes out in the end anyway. Talking to school was a good idea.

Well done Juicychops. Sounds like you dealt with it really well and at least you've done it now. Hope ds copes OK. Different schools have different support systems in place for this sort of thing. The school I used to work at had a counsellor but there was a waiting list. My current school doesn't have anything like that. It might be worth asking at your nearest children's centre for support as well - I had a really good chat with a woman at mine when me and ex split up and she said if my dd continued to have problems (which she didn't) then to come back and they would look into more support for her.

Riakin - you obviously have strong opinions but there are times when you need to keep them to yourself. This was a really sensitive situation and the OP needed support, not a lecture. And there's no point in lying to a child a saying someone is a nice person when clearly they are not!

Juicy, there's nothing I or anyone else can really do for what has happened to you in the past, or to make the conversation you had with DS any easier, though I'm sure we wish there was.

What I will say is well done you - you've dealt with a difficult situation with honesty and love, and that's all anyone can really do.

I may have to have some difficult conversations in the future with my DD, but they'll never compare to what you've been through or have already dealt with.

I'm so sorry that you felt backed into having to write out your history to argue your case for what you had previously said to DS - and I'm sure anyone with half a brain or half a heart can understand why you told DS his father wasn't nice.

Personally, I would steer clear of Surestart if possible - too connected to SS for my liking IME, but most definitely speak to DS's school about the possibility of play therapy for him, and consider looking into counselling and / or some physical activity to help you deal with it all too. MIND do free, open-ended counselling, and your local Women's Aid / Center will have Freedom courses for people who have been through domestic violence.

thanks again everyone for your comments and advice.

Pinkcarbluecar, when i spoke to the head teacher this afternoon she said there is actually some councellor woman i can speak to if i wish to, so im going to see how ds is and perhaps make an appointment with her if i feel ds needs it. im sure she can recommend any further help ds may need if she feels it will help.

had another chat with ds this evening to see if he had any other questions, and we also drew a little family tree together with pictures to help him understand why his brother is his half brother. i am a bit concerned about the fact that he said his half brother's name sort of through gritted teeth in an angry sounding voice. He didn't say anyone elses voice like that.

Ive left it open with him now and made it clear he can ask me any questions any time he wants whenever they pop into his head or if there is anything he wants to talk about.