Tips, please, on coming to our own maintenance agreement

[GetMeWithMyPowerTools]

XP and I want to work out our own maintenance agreement. What are the things we need to factor into working out an agreed amount?

(DS's residency split, because I guess it's relevant, is 10 days/nights with me per fortnight, and four days with his dad.)

We agree on the obvious things - such as tallying up direct expenditure on DS (school dinners, trips, clothes, swimming lessons, etc) across several months, and splitting this figure between us. But there are some grey areas we don't agree on/don't understand.

I work the equivalent of three days per week across four days (a bit more in term-time to accrue time off in lieu in the holidays/when DS is sick), so most days, can take DS to school/pick him up. I also tend to have DS more in the holidays than his dad does; although his dad could have him more, DS is happier sticking to our usual routine, which includes one weekday per week with his dad.

Because of my work, combined with a bit of help from nearby grandparents, I/we have no childcare costs. I have suggested to XP that my not working full-time and being around for DS before/after school and during holidays incurs a DS-related cost to me (of lost income). XP isn't having this, because he says it's also my choice and that I could work more hours ... well, I could, but then we'd incur childcare costs! My understanding was that we had both agreed it was best for DS if I could be around before/after school/in the school holidays as much as possible while DS is pretty young.

Another grey area is that I once posted on here (under a different name) about maintenance, and someone suggested that because I have DS most of the time and therefore pay for most stuff for him, XP should pay for more than half the costs of raising DS. I don't understand this. How would that be fair to XP? Shouldn't we both simply pay half the costs of raising DS? I don't know ...

Someone also suggested XP should pay towards DS's share of household bills (electricity, gas, water - even mortgage) - this hadn't occurred to me, and XP's view is that he pays for these things for DS when he's with him, so they're not so relevant.

So has anyone else come up with their own ways of calculating maintenance, and how have you addressed these more abstract costs of raising a child (reduced income to cover childcare, household bills, etc)?

Thanks.

The example of a NRP who earns £15k though, if the parents were still together they may struggle financially as a 2 parent family so the NRP may face a struggle either way, so why should they be 'exempt' from this now?

Because s/he may wish to move on, and start a new family.

But what if the PWC is in the same position? And what do you suggest is the alternative?

topaz....you mean the NRP may wish to move on? Well if they already have children to support that they could not then afford if they move on and start a new family, perhaps they shouldn't start a new family, after all parents may have to make a decision when still together to not have any children if they feel they cannot afford to do so.

Bear...do you mean if RP and NRPs both struggle financially when apart? Isn't that just life for many people? I don't understand what you are asking.

As I said, I believe that high earners should pay a higher rate of tax.
If the PWC is in the same position there will be the benefit of the new partner's income.

Lol ... maybe all the context for that was in my head and not on the screen. What I'm saying is it's all very well saying that the NRP can't be left to struggle, that a percentage of their income can't be ringfenced etc. But if it costs a certain amount to raise a child and the NRP isn't providing half of it so that he doesn't struggle/can move on, have another family etc, then it will fall to the PWC. What if the PWC is also on a low income, has large outgoings and is also struggling? Why should the NRP get away with having an easier time of it?

Hope I'm making sense now .

Whatever evolucy ... I think we agree with each other!

Hi Topaz

What I mean by fair is a luxury that sometimes single parents cannot afford, is that often what should happen is light years away from what does.

So for example a NRP may decide to not pay any maintenance or only offer to pay a tiny amount. Whatever. Of course we could look to the CSA for help but as many will testify, you may as well buy yourself a chocolate fireguard too.

Others may have NRP's who don't want contact for whatever reason. Is that fair on the RP? Of course not. Is that fair on the child? Of course not.

For me I learned years ago that I can stomp and shout all I like about how much money I think is fair and yes I could like some choose to do, fight out of principle that the NRP should pay his/her "fair share". But principles won't put food on the table and my kids can't eat it. So whilst yes I could have took the ex to the CSA and six months later if I was lucky get a bit more per month, I had to be practical and take what was on offer so I could make ends meet.

Fair? No. Did I have a choice? Not really.

LP's generally have to live by what is practical and realistic. Fair and what should happen are often nice to have theories but as elusive as a holiday to the Maldives. Ie. it might happen but chances are it wont.

I think if you are a LP then you'll be nodding. If you are not then you'll probably think I'm talking bollocks. It's like trying to explain what it's like to have kids to someone without. They will nod as if they understand but until they experience it, chances are they won't.

It seems this thread has strayed away from offering support to the op and turned into a debate on maintenance.

With regards the op's initial post, the thing which would bother me is that the ex is saying that she could be working more hours. Does the ex want her to work more hours and therefore his ds would have to go into childcare that he isn't used to when already he is having to deal with his parents splitting up. She is already working around the child's needs and the ex needs to appreciate this rather than make her feel guilty about this. I know how this feels as my ex gives me a hard time about working part time as if it was just a lifestyle choice but I do it mainly because it is the best thing for the children who are young.

Using CSA seems the sensible place to start when making calculations about maintainance. Saying that children don't cost that much and money matters should be worked out between the parents is idealistic rubbish. My ex was (and still is) so bitter after the split we could never have a sensible discussion about money. And I don't want to be asking him for money all the time and have him make me feel greedy for asking, it is a lot easier for the money just to go into my account and never have to speak to him about it. And I don't see why it should be seen that we put in equal amounts for the children as I earn less than him.

The whole point of maintanance is that it is to help to maintain the lifestyle that the children were used to before the split and that may mean helping to maintain the RP as being the main carer and ensure s/he can continue to be at home at least some of the time with pre-school children and help to maintain the RP being available for before and after school as much as possible. When parents split, children already see less of each parent and if it is possible then they shouldn't be forced to spend more time away from their main carer in childcare if it can be avoided.

Being able to maintain the previous lifestyle is a bit unrealistic I know and everyone has to make cutbacks but if maintainance is based on the father's salary then there is a chance that children will still be able to do their activities the did before etc. even if less money is spent on other things.

Of course it needs to be taken on a case by case basis. There are probably a few mums out there who abuse the system but most mums (single or not) will make spending money on themselves the last priority. But NRPs should not be trying to dictate that RPs work more just to make their lives easier - having children is a responsibility for both parents.

Have waffled, sorry!