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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

How can I compete?

28 replies

hurryup · 04/06/2011 20:07

H moved out 2 months ago, he's rented a lovely cottage in the same village and has spent thousands buying everything he and the dc could need or want. trampoline, xbox, booked a holiday for August etc etc. Suddenly they don't want to stay with me anymore with tatty old things and a house full of bad memories. It's so hard and I don't know what to do to encourage them back.

OP posts:
SaggyHairyArse · 05/06/2011 16:30

Hurryup, this sounds very familiar, I do sympathise. Have you considered moving? It might be therapeutic for you? Also, whilst I too cannot compete with the material aspects, I do things with my children that my ex wouldn't do like take them swimming, go in the woods climbing trees and having picnics etc. I did these things before we split up but there are things you can do that won't break the bank but which will create lovely memories for them (baking, visiting friends/family, having Come Dine With Me evenings where even the 2 year old cooks (with help)).

Good luck!

lemonandhoney · 05/06/2011 16:54

I feel for you. Since my ex left, he has spent a lot of money on making sure the house is set up for the dcs when they visit - they have everything they could possibly need there (apart from bikes - they go backwards and forwards). Lots of toys, books, new clothes etc. He's doing far more than he ever used to, taking them swimming, to the library, to the park etc.

They do have a lovely time there, and it's hard. On the other hand, I am pleased they are happy there - that would be worse. They are far more moany and whiny for me - he commented the other day how delightful they always are for him. But I do know that's because he has lost their trust - they still love him very much, but they feel they need to be on their best behaviour because he's shown himself to be unreliable, and has let them down, and they feel vulnerable. Whereas I am just boring old Mummy, who hasn't changed, or gone anywhere, or done anything different.

They really really need stability, and you're providing that for them. And they won't forget that, certainly not in the long run.

What about trying to identify some (cheap) things that you can start to do as a family that are new for all of you? We have started having a once a month "Chinese takeaway night". They have a bath, get into their pjs then we drive to the local restaurant, order food, they munch prawn crackers while its cooking then we come home and eat it. We never did anything like that before, and it's a huge treat for them, and doesn't break the bank. Also stories are now in my bed at night, snuggled under the duvet (again, a new thing since their dad left) and we've started taking our tea to the playground on sunny evenings. And sometimes we take our tent to my neighbour's house and camp in her (bigger than mine) garden.

WishIWasRimaHorton · 05/06/2011 17:09

that sounds lovely, lemonandhoney. those are great ideas! i have started getting fish and chips once a fortnight or so as i now live in town, whereas the marital home was in the middle of nowhere. similar thing i guess - something different that doesn't cost the earth, but is something that 'mummy does' that daddy doesn't and is a treat. you wouldn't believe how exciting it is to have a sausage in batter when you are 4 years old...

we also go 'exploring' in parks - clambering in big bushes (avoiding the beer cans and condoms, obviously) etc. exploring has become quite a thing now and requires a whole bag full of 'provisions' to be packed in preparation. and believe it or not, it DOES compete with a day at the zoo (which is what the DCs do every weekend they are with their father).

but you won't be able to realise that these things ARE what your kids need when you are feeling so down. so please try and ask for some help. you need it, and your kids need you.

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