Advice needed please. Worried single new mum to be, will the dad get full custody?

[tonksy83]

My partner and I had already broken up when I fell pregnant. I was suffering with depression badly and taking too many prescription meds, to try and numb the heartbreak I was going through, not even considering what it was doing to the pill! Then I found out I was pregnant, and the dad wanted nothing to do with us, stating I was unfit to be a mother, and was mental. I am currently 13 weeks, on the 3rd April, the day I found out, I stopped taking anything, including anti depressant, I am the healthiest I have been in years....I am also really excited about being a mum. He has turned round now, and said he want full custody as I proved unfit before finding out I was pregnant. As he will not speak to me, or have anything to do with me, he can?t see what I am like now. How much I have changed, back to the girl he met and had a happy relationship with.
I come from a lovely family, who are a huge support, and the baby will have a fantastic life with me....however I am worried that he brings the past up and uses it against me, and this would give his full custody.....??? I was ill and visiting the doctors regularly for around 3 mths, I was also signed off work. He has evidence, emails and texts, which show how bad I got. He could use these against me. I went through a bad patch....but I am perfect now. Can he get full custody? I am moving to be nearer my family, which is 350 miles from the dad....as I need the support, however he can have access as much as he wants. I'd like my child to get to knows it father. Although I know it can be difficult. I don?t plan to put him on the birth certificate, just because he will not interact with me now, he won?t discuss anything like an adult. He is shutting me out.

Just to give you more background, I have a really good job, which I plan to keep, as I am getting a transfer. I will be living in a tow bedroom garden flat, in a great area near a nursery school. I have a fantastic support net work.

Please can anyone give me some advice about dad's getting custody?? I know that if children services do come round, due to him applying for custody they would see a a new mum doing her best, and provided care, warmth and food for her new child....is this enough??

I know I am only 13 weeks but I am already getting sleepness nights about this.

Thank you for any replies

xx

"My partner and I had already broken up when I fell pregnant"
?

I'm not sure what the OP meant by this remark. What I am sure of is the certainty that the child will be of the mother.

Birth certificates, in my honest opinion, are a complete irrelevance and have the potential to disrupt a child's relationship with their mother.

About the antidepressants - please go to the GP and get something safe for pregnancy, or at least discuss it. It is not safe to suddenly stop them, and though you may feel great now it may be a sort of false high if that makes sense.

Sorry to sound negative but I have fallen for this false high a few times and it really isn't pretty when it all crashes down. There is nothing wrong with antidepressants, it could really help. You also need to be aware that you are at much higher risk of PND - this is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's much better to prepare for this rather than hide it away or convince yourself it won't happen. It's great that you've got a support network around, so please don't be embarrassed to tell them if you struggle.

Best of luck :)

Scrotalpantomine

Although I came off my aunit depressants I did go straight to the doctors too...and I agree should have really been ween off them, however my doctor insisted that as I had not taken then for 2 days, I should carry on and monitor how I feel. I am still seeing my thearpist, plus I still go to my doctors about every 3 weeks for a check up on my depression, as they know how bad it is. I promise if I do start to feel low, or crash and burn I will get straight back on AD....for now I like to think I am using nothing - its been years so my body is having a clean out.

I am very aware of PND, my sister in law had it badly, and luckily its something my family were really good with. I feel like I am in safe hands.

I am worried its just a high, all the hormones etc....but for now I am feeling healthier not taking precrided drugs. My GP is backing that 100 percent.

I take each day as it comes. However thank you for the support. Its great speaking with someone who knows what its like. xxx

AitchGee

You said a birth certificate has the potential to disrupt a child and its mother? What do you mean by this remark please?

Tonsky,

I would think it's possible that your ex is a bit mixed up. I'm not attempting in any way to excuse his idiotic behaviour, but it's likely.

He may , given he's moved, changed phone etc , be intending to evade his financial responsibility. Your child will be entitled to 15% of his net income every month in child maintenance payments.

It's not an issue to worry about now, but it will be an issue in the future.

This maybe why he might avoid putting his name on the BC as you'd need to have a DNA test done on him if he acts like a low life.

Again. I think you're doing everything right.

Tonsky, he has those rights without even having his name on teh birth certificate. all it takes is for him to apply to teh court once the child is born and he will be granted parental responsibility and teh right to have his name on the BC. this can all happen in the space of a few weeks. it could happen before the initial 6 weeks you have to register her birth is even up.

but dont be mistaken in thinking you are giving him any rights he wont already have just by adding his name. he already has those rights once the baby is born.

Ah ok then - sounds like you're really in control and have a lot of self awareness, that's great. :)

@tonksy83

I can't see the relevance in writing a name on a piece of paper in order to prove who may be a father of a child born to a woman.

I often wonder how many times the wrong name may be entered as a percentage of birth certificates produced.

Disclaimer: I'm not suggesting for one moment the OP does this.... BUT
booyhoo are you sure that he can have full rights even if he's not named on the birth certificate? Because if so, surely that means that any random bloke could decide they want rights to a baby and go to court. IF the OP chose to deny that he was the father, or say that there was another bloke on the scene (a la Jeremy Kyle) then how can he assume rights? Could anyone force her to undergo DNA testing?

clam, he can get access without his name on teh BC. if he wanted the same rights as OP (to be able to amke decisions WRT schools and medical treatment) he would need parental responsibility and it would take only a few weeks for him to get that through the courts so i see no reason for OP to refuse to add it if he does ask for it. she is only delaying the inevitable by a few weeks. and clearly if he is asking for his name on then he wants PR, so it's not as if she is pandering to him. he will have asked for it. i am not sure about forcing her to make teh chidl available for DNA testing but teh courts can (and have) grant an order for teh DNA testing to be done. although i dont think OP has mentioned denying his paternity of teh child.

No I know she hasn't. She has sounded pretty fair and reasonable in wanting to allow access and for her child to know its father. But my point was, for all anyone knows he might not actually be the father and therefore, what's to stop any random person from attempting to get PR. Where's the proof that he is the father? Can he just go along to the courts, say "I'd like PR for that child please" and within a few weeks have it granted, without any evidence that he's the father at all.

Ok your comments are starting to add to my worrying....

I guess it is best to ask him if he can be with me when the child is registered....then its his choice not mine, however before doing this I want to check what that will mean for both the child and I, by getting proper legal advice. If he can get his name put on there in a few weeks anyway, I kinda agree its easy to do it when I do - HOWEVER it seems at the moment he will do it the hard way anyway, and take me to court anyway! Even thou, I would be happy to settle all this out of court, for him to be present at the registering of the birth and for him to trust (I havent changed from the woman he loved and trusted only 4 mths ago) that I will be more than happy for him to have access whenever...etc....

He is 10000000% the dad!! However being difficult he has already said he wants a parternity test.

Right now I am really trying to egt my head around being a single mum and it seems he is doing everything he can to make it difficult and stress me out.

Its not how I expected to have my first baby...and I want the best, him involved. No matter what he throws at me, I will always put whats best for the child first, and I am guessing that is knowing it dad.

He isnt the man I fell in love with and seeing him like this is heartbreaking...its like his evil twin brother! Thats hard enough, I need to make sure I dont get it wrong....

Thank you for your comment again x

OP, as things stand at the moment, I'd stick to your decision not to add his name to the BC.

If ex-DP suddenly becomes supportive during the pregnancy, interested in your and the baby's welfare, helping you out with costs, wanting to attend scans or at least know about them, etc, then fantastic... by all means have him along for the birth registration.

But if he refuses all contact until after the birth, then don't bother informing him of the time/date... don't create a problem where none exists. You don't know if his involvement in your lives will be for good or ill. So unless he asks to be involved, don't invite it initially.

When/if he comes forward and wants to be a part of his child's life, add him onto the BC and actively support his decision to be a father to his child. Of course that's the best outcome! I hope it turns out that way for all 3 of you.

"Can he just go along to the courts, say "I'd like PR for that child please" and within a few weeks have it granted, without any evidence that he's the father at all."

no, he can go along and ask for PR and teh motehr will have to confirm taht he is the father. if he isn't she will contest his application. if he persists it will get to the point where a DNA test will be required in order for him to prove paternity. if isn't the father and he had any sense he would back out at that point rather than look like a stalker.

tonsky, i am sorry. i really didn't intend to worry you any furtehr. i just wanted to clarify the facts about the BC. i was under the impression that no name meant no rights when my son was born but my solicitor very quickly set me straight on that.

i agree that you should speak to a solicitor just to get all teh facts upfront before you decide anything. then you will know how the land lies WRT the BC. many solicitors offer a free first consultation.

i totally agree with liverpoolLeap. you said it far better than i did.

Me too, tonsky. I'm sorry if I've added to your worry. It was idle surmising on my part and thoughtless.

You are the mother (and it sounds as if you'll be an excellent one) and there's no court on earth that would remove a baby from your care, and certainly not on the say-so of an ex with an obvious grudge.

Good luck. Try to enjoy your pregnancy. Sounds lke you deserve it. Don't let him spoil it.

Thank you guys...

I wasnt having a go....just seems there is so much to take it.

I want to best for my child and hopefully he will too, and hopefully contact me.

Thank you for all you advice thou, it has put me at ease, knowing he cant just get full custody, which was my main worry

:)

oh i know you weren't having a go. what you are going through is so stressful (i have been there) and it can be very confusing as to who is entitled to what.

i'm not sure what i hope for you. this man doesn't sound mature enough to be a parent. nonetheless if he changes at some point then i think everyone deserves a chance, especially when it comes to children as they only get to grow up once. i hope this man sees sense and realises how unnecessarily difficult he is making things for ALL of you, the baby included. if he doesn't then maybe it is better for your baby that doesn't want to be involved.

good luck. i hope you can get to a point where there is no stress be that with or without him as a co-parent.

OP - you mentioned wanting to talk to him. May I suggest a succinct, fact based email (or recorded letter) to his work stating your general points: you're more than happy for him to be a part of the baby's life, you're more than willing for him to be on the BC, you would be happy to discuss future contact, and if he really believes it to be necessary, then you would even be willing to undergo DNA testing to confirm that he is the baby's father.

I would also suggest a sentence along the lines of "since (date) I have stopped taking any form of AD, and whilst I continue to have counselling, I continue to feel better than I have in a long time" or something similar to address and dismiss your previous MH.

Sign off with something along the lines of "I hope that we can communicate directly with each other in the future for the good of our baby, and I shall leave it to you to respond to or ignore the points in this email / letter, and you shall not hear from me unless I hear from you".

That way, if he does go to court, then you can show that you have been reasonable and open in trying to contact him and trying to be mature about it all.

Yes I agree with Pink Car that you need to write setting out the facts and avoiding any emotional stuff. Keep a copy and send it recorded delivery to be sure he gets it.

In addition to what PinkCar suggests I would include that you are trying to keep him up to date but accept that he is refusing to be involved until baby is born. Therefore you assume he has no wish to come to scans etc with you and doesn't want to discuss registering your baby or arrangements for contact, maintenance etc until after baby is born.

Include a note that you understand that he is moving and that it is difficult to communicate with his given that he has changed his personal email and phone number and hasn't informed you of the new details.

Mention briefly (without being specific) that you have plans to move soon and will also have a new address shortly. OP I would get yourself moved as soon as possible. Before you have the baby he can't interfer in your life and choices. Afterwards he may kick up a fuss (and it sounds like he will from what you've said). At the very least you want to be settled with your new home, work, support network etc before baby arrives.

Point out that it will be difficult to inform him of baby's arrival or to invite him to attend the register to register baby's birth without some form of contact with him. Say you are happy to do this through a third party if he can provide a point of contact, possibly his parents or the solicitor he advised you he would be instructing. Ask him for contact details of his solicitor so you can write via them in future if that is what he prefers.

Ask him what his intentions are towards maintenance for your dc and say that you are happy to go through the CSA if he doesn't want to agree a private arrangement with you. Be sure you apply for this as soon as you can. If he is a civil servant (and you have details of his work place) then the CSA should be able to deal with this fairly quickly for you. Remember the money is the baby's and you as baby's mother have the responsibility to ensure he/she is financially provided for, including ensuring that dad pays maintenance. If he is that worried about his dc's wellbeing he shouldn't have any problem providing for them financially at the very least!

I would also suggest you put forward the idea of mediation to him to discuss matters. If he goes to court they will suggest it anyhow, and his refusal to talk to you and your offer of mediation will go against him. He can't be that serious about being a father if firstly he's insisting he wants a DNA test (ie refusing to admit he is the father) and by insisting it all has to be done through court ratehr than talking to you.

Get your letter written up. Keep it factual, avoid any emotional stuff (get advice here if you want/need help) and then stop thinking and worrying about him and enjoy your pregnancy.

Look here for info on parental responsibility that he would be automatically given if he is on the birth certificate.
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

Personally I would wait for him to step up and show that he is genuinely interested in being a father to this child. He can be added at any time and yes a court can award PR to him, but he would need to make an effort and show he is interested enough to do this. At the moment I don't think he is and I'm pretty sure you won't hear too much from him before or after baby is born. I think he is all mouth and no trousers and if he was genuinely worried about the baby you'd have heard from SS and from him and his solicitor by now.
Another point is that if he does take you to court for PR then you can then also ask for residency to be awarded at the same time, which will hopefully help you feel more secure in your situation. residency isnt awarded unless you ask a court to do so, so it makes sense to do this should he take you to court over PR. More info here on residency. Given his refusal to be involved up to now I don't see him getting shared residency unless he seriously steps up to the mark pronto.
www.childrenslegalcentre.com/Resources/CLC/Documents/PDF%20N-Z/Residence%20leaflet.pdf

Wow thank you for all that information! That has really helped. I havent had chance to sit down and look at both webistes suggested yet, or email the dad. As I have had a busy day, but wanted to say a big THANK YOU.

Once I have been through everything I will let you know how I get on.

X