Ex's Soliciors Letter

[Pandato2]

Hi I'm new to this but hoping someone can help or maybe advise if they have been in a similar situation. I split with ex just over two years ago. We have two children now 4 and 7. We had to move out of our home as he wouldn't and during the first few months he chose to play around rather than see his children. Obviously I wouldn't let him introduce my two to lots of different women. He never understood this. Anyway over time things improved, however my two have never like having sleepover's (they only ever stayed one night every two weeks). I encouraged this as I believed it was the right thing to do. I had to ask him to take down his calendar in his kitchen of topless girls when my daughters were visiting after my eldest made a comment. He did not see any wrong in it.

He has recently been sacked for gross misconduct and as far as I'm aware waiting to know if he is being charged. He has stopped paying maintenance and has not seen or made an attempt to see his children since the begining of March. He has also now moved 350 miles away.
I came home today to a solicitors letter acting on his behalf stating he wants to have the children at certain times during the year. This includes a whole week at Easter time and two weeks during the Summer holidays. He is living with a woman who has a 13 year old boy, who my inlaws have said is naughty and a complete handful, I've never met him and not sure I want my girls to be around him.
M daughters will be distraught about leaving home for one week let alone two. I just don't think they will cope with it very well emotionally at all. There dad does shout at them and scares them a bit.
I work part time but having done the legal aid calculator it says I'm not legible. I certainly cannot afford a solicitor at £150 per hour.
I'm at my wits end as to which way to turn and what to do for the best. My two daughters are my only concern. If he was a good dad I would have no issues. He has a step daughter who is now grown up and has recently referred to her a 'just a pair of tits'. I just feel he has a very unhealthy attitude to women, and to make a comment like that to his own daughters is just not right.
I would be ever so grateful for any advice, or has anyone else been in the same situation?
Thank you. :(

So how did you get on with your free hour?

Would point out that your ex may have stopped paying maintenance as he was sacked for gross misconduct... Therefore if he had no income to pay maintenance from he wouldn't have to pay any...
I think you can ask now if he's found himself another job and if not when maintenance will resume. Where you going through the CSA before?

It might be that he doesn't have a job still and is making the most of it and claiming legal aid, hence why the letter from his solicitor. His new partner may be supporting him too. But he will presuumably be claiming IS if he is unemployed so you should still get £5 a week from him if he is.

I would suggest too that the letter has been prompted by his new partner. She is probably keen to help him have contact and he's probably painted a not too good picture of you. If you ignore the letter you play into his hands re his probable stories of you being obstructive to contact and difficult.
If you write a nice reply with offer of resuming contact and appear reaonable throughout she'll start to wonder why he said those things about you...
A letter along the lines of Pinkcars suggestion would be an excellent response. Think hard about what contact is reasonable and can be expected given the distance and dd's ages. Be prepared to offer non direct contact given the distance it makes sense to agree skype time a couple or more times a week. Ask him to record some story tapes he's read onto CD so they can listen to them at bed time. And to write to them and suggest items he could include for them such as stickers, hair bobbles and the like.

Also think about what direct contact would work for you all. For example instead of a full week or two with him which you don't feel the dd's could cope with yet, how about suggesting that once he has re-established contact and been to visit them and taken them out for the day a few times he could then stay in a hotel/b&b to make a weekend of it for them and see them over 2/3 days. After that he could consider a long weekend break somewhere nearby where they stay overnight with him. Then, if that goes well and moving forward, he could take them to his place for a weekend every 2 or 3 weeks if they cope with the journey. After that then you will look at longer times in the school holidays. But as a first off then no.
He's probably told his new partner and the sol he's spent loads of time with them in the past and forgotten the big gaps in between or thought about how all this will affect the dds.
Point out that you consider this to be in the dds best interests and that you are thinking of their welfare in your letter so it is clear that you are considering the dds and that it's not about you or your feelings on this.

Re the new partner's ds - I think you are worrying on some hear say at this stage. Until you have some concrete grounds for concern then you just have to accept that while dd's are with your ex he may well introsuce them to friends of his, including his new partner and her ds. The dc may get on fine, they may not. But you can't speculate on that or have pre-conceived ideas at this stage. His new partner's ds being a handful shouldn't be a reason to refuse contact with their dad. Unless there are wellfare issues a court wouldn't consider this a good reason, especially as you're only basing it on hearsay anyhow.

Pandato2

Don't go writing what PinkBlueCar has said...

Although it sounds ace, clearly from a Psychology point of view PBC is a scorned woman.

If you write a letter like that it will come back and bite you in the bum at some point. Who knows that might even be in court, where i can assure you a legal adviser/magistrate will not look upon this in quite the same light.

If you cannot afford a solicitor you need to structure your letters much more sensibly, without sarcasm and be to the point in a sensible and fashioned way.

For example

Dear Solicitor,

-Ex left me on X date. Since then i feel his involvement with the children has given cause for concern.

• They have only seen him several times

• IMPORTANT : I am not disagreeing to contact in general as the children have a right to time with their father, however i would ask that XYZ (incidents) not happen again or XYZ be taken down (i.e. topless womens calendar)

• Proposals: i would say its probably best that he spends 1 day per week (weekend) from Hours: up to you.

• I would also like to raise the issue of maintenance, thus far i haven't received any, and would like to come to an arrangement outside of the CSA one that is both fairly and mutually agreed.

I await hearing from you

Sincerely
Pandato2

Thats more like a woman who isn't bitter, scorned or fashioning herself as someone likely to bad-mouth or brainwash.

Pandato - what gillybean said. Her advice is excellent.

Riakin.

So what my letter said but also mentioning the topless calender / other incidents Pandato doesn't want repeated, but not my letter?

Putting that in the letter makes it sound like that is the reason why contact ended. My impression from Pandato's posts was that she was happy enough for her DC not to have contact as the ex hadn't attempted to continue it in any way since he moved, and there were causes for concern. Rather than the other way around.

That said, it would be a fair comment to mention that there have been causes for concern and those issues need to be addressed.

The letter would only bite Pandato in the bum if she really was to write Mr Twat-Ex, which I'm sure she wouldn't.

I don't know his name, so I'm substituting an insult as this is a forum where we can do that sort of thing. It's a bit of levity and a release in the midst of what is a difficult situation. Surely you knew that, though?

I think you need to think strategically. You have several factors in your favour here and you also need to be mindful of what it is your ex REALLY wants.

Years ago, I learned a hard lesson in that just because the ex took me to court of residence, doesn't mean she actually WANTS residence. What she really wanted was a means of saving face with her family. So she could claim she tried to be the doting mother but lost. Rather than have people think that she didn't want to be full time mum. That lesson cost me £5k in legal fees.

So you know your ex best. What's likely to be driving this sudden change of heart? A genuine desire to get to know his kids? Or to impress his girlfriend that he's trying? The former deserves support, the latter, not so much.

What I'd say is keep to the facts. Put replies in terms of the kids needs, not what you think.

For now I'd say forget the whole Skype thing, phone calls etc. Let HIM suggest them if that's what he wants. Don't make it easy. Test his commitment. So reply with that you are supportive of the kids having a good relationship with their father. But that given the amount of time gone since he had regular contact and their young age, you propose to start off with him building up contact time over a period at a contact centre local to you. If that goes well you are happy to discuss contact at his place at a suitable time in the future.

Basic negotiation 101. Don't give all your cards from the start. Make him do the running to prove his serious intent. Let him complain he can't afford it. If he suggests meeting halfway or you doing a journey, refuse on the account of your financial circumstances. No court can make you drive them. You only have to make them available for contact. If he wants to drive 1400 miles per contact visit then that shows commitment. If he doesn't even bother once or expects you to go to him then he's being unreasonable and it'll soon show he's only after saving face.

PBC-

Its all about actually putting the letter into a sensible serious context. As i've said, although your letter sounds like something that is "Yeah! Go on take that!!!" I can assure you that a court won't be thinking quite the same thing.

But you are saying to send that letter to her solicitor... and who do you think the solicitor is going to show that letter to?

As you say this is a forum and you can write stuff like that... but don't mislead people into thinking that IRL that letter will go down a treat with anyone who reads it.

I'm with Riakin

The original style of letter makes you sound bitter, sarcastic and making digs. All of which can be used to show you are motivated by bitterness rather than what is best for the children. You'll end up in a tit for tat battle getting nowhere.

Or a court refusing you any credit at all