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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Inappropriate actions

43 replies

slinkynunu · 28/05/2011 12:16

Hi there im new to this but want to ask a question to all you mums out there,
Would you let your children sleep the bed with someone who is not family, knowing the children had there own beds yes or no

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Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:26

I have told you thats how he has defended himself he said there is nothing wrong with his boss being in the same bed, the problem is the police and social services said there is no offence,

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Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:27

Thats what i have said, there is alot of people that groom and offend for the first time.

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gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 15:34

So no offence has been commited.
There is noting police or SS can do then as they have said.
What do you want them to do?

I think there are legitimate reasons why a non family member may share a bed with a child so it would be hard to make it illegal. For example I remember reading a post on MN a while ago where a mum had put a child in her bed who was sleeping over because they couldn't settle.
Also what if it was a step parent or new partner and the father wasn't home yet and the child had a nightmare and wanted to climb in bed for comfort? Would they had to say sorry you can't it's illegal?

However in the situation you describe it seems odd and there was an alternative (ie dc sleep in dad's bed and he shares with the flatmate/boss)

I assume you have told the ex that dc aren't staying over any more and that if he can't see what is wrong they never will again...?

Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:35

Well we have got a solicitor that will be fighting for us, what worries my partner, if the police and social services are ok with it will the court be on his side, the police even told me and my partner its not in her best interest to keep the kids away from there father.

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gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 15:38

I would concur that it's not in the dc's best interests to be kept away from their father. There are ways of contact continuing with their dad without them being put into this situation again.

What did the police say about keeping them away from the flatmate/boss though?

What is it you hope to achieve through the solictor?
You don't need to go to a solictor, you simply tell the ex tha contact won't continue in those circumstances. If he disagrees he can go to court about it.

GypsyMoth · 29/05/2011 15:47

the court could order a CAFCASS report...who are the social workers to the court. they would maybe come to same conclusion. what grounds is the solicitor using? there has been no crime comitted. contact shouldnt be stopped,of course not.

do you yourself shower the kids? or do they get in bed when you are also present in it?

Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:48

We have told him this and waiting to go to court, the reason i came on here is i wanted to know what other mums felt about this situation, we have felt very much alone and that we are the ones that have done something wrong by keeping the dad from his kids, the police and social services have both made us feel like that, plus there was no excuse there was 2 single beds in the bosses room, they could have parted them for the kids and someone sleep on the sofa, so i am very confused and feel like my partners kids were not protected, i have to tell you this same dad, allowed his kids to smoke a pipe, let them sit on top of the roof of his wooden shack, fire guns and kill wildlife, allow his kids to watch age 15 movies, he admitted all this to his solicitor but denied it all to the social worker who rang him friday, its taken them 5 weeks nearly to speak to him (the dad this is ) THE BOSS has not been questioned at all, but social services came out to my girlfriend and me within a couple of days to see if the kids were ok with us, we are the bloody ones who reported it, we just feel like we have been discriminated in some way.

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Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:51

We did tell him that. believe me we have done all that we can, he just does not listen.

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Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:53

No i never shower the kids they do it themselfs and no they do not get in bed with me, i have 2 children of my own and would never put them in any kind of situation like that and nor would there dad.

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Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 15:55

This is not there dads partner this is his boss i do think that is slightly different.

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GypsyMoth · 29/05/2011 15:57

why would the boss be questioned?? he has broken no laws? police cant just barge in and create new laws to suit!!

have you stopped contact??

who is taking who to court? using which form?/for what reason?

gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 16:01

Have you offered their dad some kind of contact in the mean time? Through a contact centre is one way to do it.

If he is serious about seeing the dc he will agree to it.

By stopping contact completely you will look unreasonable in court I'm afraid. Even if you feel your reasons are justified there are ways (such as contact centre) for contact with dad to continue.

The same argument will be used on you, you are not a relative and may well have had the dc in your bed alone or bathed them...?
I am not saying it's right or wrong or that the circumstances are the same. I'm just saying look at it from the court's point of view and how it will be put to them. Thinking the worst isn't the same as it being true. You can't accuse this man without proof. But you can ensure the dc aren't put into a situation where they could be at risk.

If SS and the police are saying there's nothing they can do then court and CAFCASS (who spend far less time coming to a conclusion) will say the same more than likely.

SO look at alternative contact arrangements with tehir dad in the mean time, and see if their mum can speak to him, maybe with teh help of a mediator, to explain why you find it inappropriate and to work on solutions.

At the end of the day a court may order contact regardless and you'd have to send the dc or be in breach of the order.
Far better to offer something on your terms and know the dc are safe in a contact centre for the time being while making your DP look like she is being reasonable to the judge should/when it comes to court.

Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 16:01

The solicitor is involved because of all the stupid and dangerous things he lets the kids do he will not listen to my partner and thinks what he does is ok, i just want to clear something up just in case anyone is thinking it, we are not a gay couple that want to exclude the fathers its very important that our kids have contact with there dads but also to be safe and cared for in the right manner.

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gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 16:05

The you need to suggest a contact centre.
Find a list of local ones and write to the ex saying he should contact them to arrange it if he wants to see teh dc in teh mean time.

If he is serious he will do it.
In court you can ask for the same and say/show you have tried to encourage this and say that he has refused so can't be that bothered about seeing the dc and/or that you are doing everything you can to keep contact going while ensuring the dc are safe...

Original poster

slinkynunu · 29/05/2011 16:07

The boss may not have broken any laws but what the hell is he doing by sleeping and bathing 3 children that are not his and that he hasnt known long, im sorry but i fail to believe that most mums in this country would find this exceptable.

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GypsyMoth · 29/05/2011 16:11

hold on.....what do you expect a solicitor to do to stop the fathers behaviour?? what will the solicitor actually do or say here?

gillybean2 · 29/05/2011 16:16

The issue isn't whether it's acceptable or not. The issue is how are you going to achieve what is in the best interets of these dc at court.

You haven't said what you want court to do here.
From what you've said so far I think a court would order contact to resume. What will you do then?

My suggestion is that by offering/agreeing to contact at a contact centre it shows the court you appreciate that contact with their dad is important but that you have real concerns over the dc's safety and so are trying to find a solution and compromise.

I can see that you are very angry and upset. But don't let that cloud yur judgement here because these dc need for you and their mum to make sure they are safe. If that means finding a suitable way of continuing contact with their dad so that court regards you as being reasonable and having the dc's best interests at heart then why wouldn't you do it?
Or are you goign to risk going with whatever the court orders and having to lump it regardless if what it is? Because it could well be for contact to resume as it was before...

PinkCarBlueCar · 29/05/2011 22:08

if by "this country" you mean the UK, then try www.naccc.org.uk for National Association Of Children's Contact Centres.

As others have said, you need to get contact back in place asap. It doesn't have to be overnight, obviously, but you can't expect to get to court and have the judge back you all the way unless you have continued to provide some form of contact.

The court will expect you to continue to allow some form of contact - at a centre, supervised by a third party, indirect contact (phone calls, webcam, letters) - until the contact centre is sorted.

HTH

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