DS wants to live with dad

[mumtoh]

Long story, won't bore you withh details. Basically me and OH are splitting up (my decision, years of problems and decided to act now). OH found out Jan would be made redundant which forced issue, we are still in same house as agreed to wait 6 months to sell - thought both of our job situations would be better by then - i am p/t trying to get f/t work. One of the main reasons for wanting to split was OH complete abdication of father responsibility and selfishness, well guess what since he's been made redundant and has time on hands has spent more time with DS who loves it and now says he wants to live with OH when we finally sell (we are putting house on market in next few weeks). While its great for DS that he is finally getting a father, it irks me that I have spent the last 9.5 years virtually being a single mum but all DS sees is whats happened over last 2 months. So, what do I do - allow him to live with OH (who once he has a job won't have time for DS anyway) or put my foot down and make him stay with me and see OH often (prob in the week and every other weekend)? Am finding it very hard to cope with 'saint dad' situation....

I'm sure it's very hard.

The final deciscion doesn't default to the mother ... The mother doesn't get to decide in isolation.

Your sons opinion is important.

It'sgoing to take some mature discussion to work out and should start at a presumption of 50/50 care.

Does your OH want residency? I know you said he's been spending time with DS but would that continue if/when he gets a job?

You do need to put your own feelings to one side and discuss this with your OH and Ds, taking his views into account.

Well, I see your point, hairylights, but if OP's h was a shitty/absent father for nearly 10 years then I would definitely not let my child live with him, because it's quite obvious that he'll revert to his old ways soon enough and that would be even more devastating for the kid. And I don't think a 9yo's opinion is that important, tbh- well, you should listen to him, obv, but I don't think he should be allowed to make the decision himself.

OH hasn't said he want DS to live with him, in truth I don;t think he wants the responsibility. Of course ds opinion is valid but he is basing it on an unreal situation - his dad has not shown responsibility towards his care for most of his life, and while it's great he's taking responsibi;ity now i do wonder whether it will last when he gets a job and doesn't have the time he has now. And as winnybella says, that will be even more devastating for ds. I think the best thing is for me to be main carer and ds to spend significant time with oh. I think the situation with us stiill living in the same house is making things worse so we need to get it on the market asap and sort out our separate living arrangments. Its 3 months+ since i had the conv with oh about splitting up annd nothing living-wise has really changed (had been in sep bedrooms for months anyway), DS has started to ask when we are actually splitting up and although our relationship is mainly amicable, the tension and strain is getting to me.
Sorry for multiple sp mistakes, typing on a netbook inbed as can't sleep :-(

Would mediation be useful? I agree with Hairylights, I'm not sure it is helpful to decide what you think is the best thing without a full, calm discussion about the practicalities and the wishes of everyone concerned. Your OH could just as easily say you won't have as much time for DS if you get a full time job. It is a very difficult time and I really don't envy you having to live in the same house. However, you need to explore all the possible solutions with OH before you decide on a course of action. It doesn't have to be an either/or solution, your DS can 'live' with both of you.

Thanks for the posts everyone, yes I agree me and OH need to have rational discussion. Just found out he is seeing someone else (he doesn't know I know), so goodness only knows how that might impact on the situation...

Winny, it isnt a mother's perogative to 'let' the child live with the father. The child doesnt belong to one parent who decides what should happen.

Lots of talking, as hairylights says, putting your own feelings to one side, and if needs be, maybe with a professional third party to help you come to a decision that is best for the DS.

Both parents should have equal rights so 50/50 would be the starting point. Your DS is old enough to have a good say in this though and this should be about what will make him happy not about you having done more in the past and wanting recognition for it. I presume as you worked PT that your husband was earning enough to allow you to do that - which meant he had to be full time.

truly I would let him go and you ask for every weekend etc It is better that your ds and dh find out the reality now.

Most loving parents will consider the views of children when making important decisions such as moving house or changing schools but that doesn't mean children have the final say. It's important to understand the rationale behind a child's wishes and feelings, put it into context of the particular family circumstances and for parents to make the decisions with the interests of children at heart. Generally it is accepted that it isn't in the interests of children to disrupt their sense of security and established bonds but children shouldn't be made to feel as though they must choose between parents because they may then shoulder a terrible burden of guilt for a long time.

There is no legal presumption of 50:50 shared care. No one arrangement suits all families and whilst some people believe shared residence underlines the importance of both parents others (including a fair number of court judges) think it's in the best interests of children to have just one home. When there is shared residence it doesn't have to be 50:50, it can be in different proportions.

It's perfectly normal for separating parents to have negative views about each other and their parenting but it's necessary to forgo the determination of "who is right and who is wrong" and put the children first. In fifteen years time it's unlikely to have made a huge amount of difference whether your son stayed x amount of time with one parent and y with the other. What will matter is how his separated parents related to each other and the amount of conflict between them. Children learn by example and when communication between parents is distorted children tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems such as dysfunctional relationships in adulthood.

Therefore it's a good idea to deal with the practicalities of the arrangements for children separately from the emotions using a counsellor if necessary. When parents cannot agree between themselves a mediator may help them learn to work together, or at least not against each other.

I had to post and run earlier. STIDW has made most/all of the valid points.

I would try and be happy that your h has finally stepped up to the mark. Please see the advantages of having your h very involved and being responsible. You will need free time to rebuild your own life and to work, shop etc etc.

I would try and avoid the trap of getting all the mundane work whilst your h becomes disney dad - you both need a share of weekend time with your son and weekday time "off". It may come down to practicalities - who lives nearest the school etc.

Let your h and ds have that "mundane" routine life together if possibly otherwise he will become disney dad and you the boring nag.

Happymummy - it's not that I'm wanting recognition for 9.5 years of being the one responsible parent, more that if only he'd been a better father in that time we may not have had to be in this position. But hey, we are where we are. And I'm not sure I agree with your phrasing about my being 'allowed' to work p/t - I know you didn't mean it quite in that way, and I did ask OH if he wanted to be the p/t parent but he most definitely didn't and so I (happily) did it. I was still earning a v good salary p/t though as I had good earning capacity. Anyway that's all by the by.
STIDW - wow what a great post. I wish I could feel as mature as that post is. I am definitely learning more about being a grown-up in this situation than ever before. I did expect it to be hard, but it's been hard in ways I never expected - like understanding that DS may want to live with his dad. At the end of the day I want what's best for DS, and if that means him 'living' with his dad then thats what it will be. I do suspect though that if anything it will be 50/50 - although like STIDW commented, I am not sure its the best thing for the child.
And cargirl, thanks too for your post - all thought-provoking.

It is possibly an age thing too, your ds is that sort of age where they often suddenly move over from being into Mum more than Dad IYSWIM.

Not to mention having a child in tow will cramp your h's style!

I have 2 children, one does 50-50, the other does the more traditional contact.

Both are ok with it as it is what they wanted and it had evolved over the years. We've been doing this for 5 years now.

I don't think I'd take the view of what high-court judges think on 50-50, what the hell do they know about individual situations.