XP would like to pay maintenance into joint account, so he can monitor spending on DS, and spend it too

[PieEyedPiper]

Is it me, or is this bloody nuts?

Firstly, his maintenance payment (which has been arrived at in accordance with CSA guidelines) was, I thought, to me, to help pay for DS's upbringing. I have DS 10 days out of 14, his dad has him four, and I pay the main outgoings: clothes, shoes, school uniform/trips/dinners, swimming lessons, etc. His dad feeds him when he's with him, and pays for whatever activity they do.

XP is now saying he'd like to pay this maintenance into a joint account, so that he can see how much it really costs to raise DS, and also, he can then access and use the money set aside in maintenance to pay for DS when he's with his dad. I didn't think it worked like this. And also, for me to have to pay for everything for DS out of a separate account would be a faff, because I find I often buy him things in amongst a bigger shop for other stuff too, and with cash; I'd need to separate out transactions.

XP pays £250/month. He had pledged to up this for this new financial year to £325, which he forgot to do. When I politely reminded him, he suggested this new joint account plan, and also said he felt his maintenance payment was for more than half of the costs of raising DS and that he had therefore been subsidising my choice (which, incidentally, was our choice) to work part-time. I argued that while DS is six, and has 13 weeks of school holiday a year, a week of INSET days and a week or two of sickness, someone needs to be on hand to flexibly cover these 16 weeks - plus time after school - and that my working part-time for an uncommonly flexible employer has saved us having to spend on childcare costs. He still thinks he's subsidising my lifestyle choice, rather than helping to cover some of the hidden costs of raising DS.

Today I achieved something amazing at work - I should be feeling as high as a kite tonight. But I just feel deflated by money quarrels.

Is XP being fair to think he's paying over the odds, and that I should log spending on DS and that he should be able to access and spend the maintenance he pays too, or am I justified in finding him utterly unreasonable and unrealistic over this?

I have one single and two double rooms, gillybean2. The single would let, I would guess, for about £300/month and the doubles for £350/month each. I don't know that this really comes into it, though - does it? It's my choice to stay here with DS; I think it's in DS's best interests - he's so content and settled here, and I don't want to rock that boat. I don't expect XP to subsidise the costs of staying in this larger house over say a smaller two-/three-bed. Although clearly a reasonable share of bills relating to DS needs to be factored into DS's costs.

I get the feeling having seen more of the history from later posts that this the start of a campaign on his part to wriggle out of his financial responsibilities in the long term.

Why would you want a joint account with someone you aren't married to? Has he realised that when you split he lost any rights to "control"? If he's irresponsible eventually he'll drag you and most importantly your son down with him at some point - keep your credit records seperate! (So no joint accounts under any circumstances!).

Don't feed the dysfunction. Either he wants to support his kid or he doesn't - it's that simple & lasts at least 18 years. Start to work out how to manage your long term finances without his support (don't whatever you do, discuss your personal fianancial planning with him). If it turns out in future you do need to resort to the CSA, they are utterly useless at collecting maintenance from someone who doesn't want to pay so it'd be very irresponsible of me to let you think they are the answer long term.

Agree with Bochead. Your ex is being totally unreasonable and controlling.

Dont under any circumstances let him meddle in your financial affairs. Get him to pay the CSA reccomended amount, which is worked out dependant on the split of nights with him / you anyway and then politely tell him to mind his own business.

Dont run a joint account, it really isnt in your interests to be connected to your ex in this way. Also, it is entirely up to you where you live and how you pay for it. The sooner you seperate your affairs the better.

With my ex, the only topics that are for discussion are the welfare of the children, access arrangements and him paying his child support on time. We dont as a rule share details of our private lives anymore. what I do with the money is none of his business

You come away feeling crushed as you are allowing him to do this, you are supposed to feel crushed that is the plan.

So don't get involved, all you want to talk about is your dc well fair and that doens't include what you spend your money on.

So say I will have a word with my solicitor and ask his advise on this and either he or I will get back to you in writting

keep saying the same thing over and over agian and he will get the message

So say I will have a word with my solicitor and ask his advise on this and either he or I will get back to you in writting

its called the broken record tecnique and works well

So say I will have a word with my solicitor and ask his advise on this and either he or I will get back to you in writting

he will eventually give up trying to talk about anything bar dc as all he will get is

So say I will have a word with my solicitor and ask his advise on this and either he or I will get back to you in writting

I take it you're not married?

Whose name is the house in?

My advice is take deep breaths and try and keep it amicable.

And no to the joint accounts.

I am PieEyedPiper's brother.

The "man" to whom she refers is not deserving of that title and is one of the most pathetic little fucks who ever walked the Earth. I can only describe how I feel about him using swear words.

These sentences from other posters ring very true:

"showing his receipts and all that just flatters him into thinking you give a fuck what he thinks."

Yes, it's called "supply" and narcissists such as this individual thrive off it in the same way that hurricanes feed off the warm waters of the Atlantic.

and...

"The word "No" is a complete sentence."

Try this when you've had enough: "Conversation over."

I'm really sad you're still having to deal with this more than 3 years after it all ended. Keep going, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

X

Do you think it might be worth looking into mediation? The way he's being is completely unreasonable. If you really want to give him an answer (and you don't have to) say "The maintenence goes towards household bills."

Can you even have a joint account when you're not living together? Also - shared financial arrangements = he can drag down your credit rating, and/or run up debts on that account which you would be equally liable for. It's not worth the risk.

The sooner you stop feeding the fucker ducks the quicker they get used to feeding themselves.

Thing is its a really hard lesson to learn and you think to yourself, I am being amicable for the sake of my dc, I am being civilized for the sake of keeping the peace, I am a nice person and will not stoop to his level.

Unfortunately it doesn't work in this way - you are unwittingly playing the game but don't know the rules.

Stop being "nice" Stop engaging

Start saying no
Start being firm
Start living in peace

Ex paid into joint account designated specifically for DS' maintenance payments, then he stole most of what the account had on the claims that it was also "his" money.

He also found it easy to "reduce" his income to avoid paying the maintenance he should... Guess is one of the advantages of having his own business.

His idea of monitoring he expenses is ludicrous, but for some reason popular between controlling exes... They just can't let go...

My ex was similar. The only option is to minimise all contact and have a zero tolerance approach to boundaries. Don't talk, everything in writing (or text and save them).

I referred my ex to the CSA in January following good advice from here. It was extremely straight forward and he pays me more now (OK, only £4 a month now but shuts him up on how 'reasonable' he is).

Cut all ties.

What a lovely brother you have,

NOOOO to a joint bank account. How dare he even ask.

STOP engaging with him about things that are none of his business, you really don't have to answer any questions he has other that about how ds is doing.

Take a deep breath and get stonger by disengaging.

Take The amount £250 per month that the CSA guidelines then he may not be interested in joint account but if he is paying way over the odds at £325 then he is probably wanting to ensure that extra money is benefiting your child and not yourself.
He may have said that he'd pay extra but the reality is that he may now realise how difficult it will be to pay extra and still provide for his son when he has him.
Or he may be controlling I just think their could be a different perspective.

75 extra per month is not way over the odds and imo 250 is peanuts when considering costs of raising a child.

You should definitely factor in putting money aside for when the payments stop without warning...

I put aside 1/3rd of a month's payment every 3rd month (he only hays every quarter) to cover the times when the payment is late or doesn't arrive at all. I started doing this the first time he was made redundant and didn't tell me. He pays every 3 months, and it took me a further 2 months to know and find out next payment would also not come (US bank statement takes a while to arrive in UK and then I had to get hold of him). So 6 months money didn't come with no warning.
He was made redundant again last year so it was nice to have a cushion this time (again gave no warning). I told him this time that, as he hadn't given me any notice again, I'd paid out for a school residential trip, swimming lessons etc in anticipation of having the money that it wasn't on. I asked him to make a contribution towards the missed payments to at least cover his school trip (which I could of got funding for at the time being on a low income). He has actually made up some of the missed payments now and hopefully he'll make sure I know next time.

My DH runs his own business and when I read out your posts to him he suggested a couple of reasons for this sudden change by you XP:

• He has fallen in with a group of divorced Dad's who are dripping poison into his ear saying that he is being a wimp paying XYZ for his son.
• He is finding that times are a lot harder than he imagined with his new business. It is possible that he has been a bit of a braggart to all and sundry and is now finding that he cant afford the largesse (in his eyes) that he was happy to promise before. Instead of talking about this with you like a grown up he is trying to cut the payments via the back door by saying you arent spending the money for the benefit of your son.

Either way, as others have suggested you probably need to look at ways to fill the shortfall when he isnt prepared/able to pay even what he originally agreed let alone the larger amount.

just say no.

"No, the maintenance will not go into a joint account, it will go into a normal account that you will not have access to, just like everyone else who pays maintenance for their children. You don't have to put the maintenance up if you can't afford to, but you do not get to monitor my finances. As ds's resident parent, it is up to me to spend the maintenance as I see fit. You do not have a say."

You actually don't have to argue with him about childcare, clothing costs etc. You just say "No"

You have a lovely brother, may I borrow him to speak with my exh? ha ha.

My exh is exactly the same as yours, and wanted me to give a breakdown of what, exactly, I spent the child support on every month. When I asked my solicitor about this he told me to tell my exh he can jog on. Please, please do not allow yourself to be manipulated by your exh, he is a bully and you MUST stand up for yourself (ie no to joint bank account; no to receipts or any other stupid requests).

Keep this in mind, I am nearly ten years down the line and my exh still harrasses me about all sorts of things. He is still abusive and rude to me over the telephone, email and via our ds. This is mainly because I let him be like this to me originally. He has only got slightly better because I have remarried and moved abroad (getting permission for that was joyous).

You MUST, foor your own sanity, hold the hard line and tell him every time he starts "No".

Also just wanted to offer a (((HUG))) because it must be an awfully hard time, and you must feel torn.

Me xx

You really have my sympathy. This is the sort of thing my ex would come up with and I get given a hard time for "only working 2 days a week". I haven't received any maintainance since he left.

Agree 'it is impossible to police that kind of thing ' the mediator said when my ex asked for receipts and to know exactly what I was spending 'his' money on.

Tell him no, and disengage, go through your brother. It is hard but you have to be strong and do it for all your sakes.

I think no to a joint account for all the reasons listed but I would also recommend mediation. There is a benefit to the child if the parents have a reasonable relationship and an outsider can help with that. So far the OP has said he's a good dad who has contributed despite not earning lots of money so those actions should not be ignored.

As your DC is 6 you might want to stay p/time for now but there will be a time when fulltime is an option and it's not too far away. Maybe that's something that could be discussed, also is it possible for the dad to have more time with the child so that parenting is on a more equal basis and therefore childcare costs are reduced. I'm assuming your ex also have a room for his son so therefore has similar housing costs. I do think if parents can agree matters it is more helpful, sharing information like the day to day cost of a child is one area where openness helps. Even today I make sure my DH knows the costs as I think it's easy to not realise where the money goes and an ex has even less visibility to that. My DH has been made aware of the costs of invites to parties especially when you have back to back weekends of them all scheduled!