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Original poster

moving away

27 replies

Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 18:49

I'm separated, (soon to divorced) from exh, I have met a wonderful new man and plan to marry him next year. This means moving nearer to where he lives, Its not written in stone yet but I need to start thinking about things...
Do I need my ex's permission to move away?
our kids will be 16 and 14.

I've also posted this on legal but not got any response there.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 10/01/2011 18:52

Do you mean out of the country? And when you say you've met a new man, forgive my cynical question, but is this an internet thing? Do you actually know him? How are you seeing each other now if he lives so far away? WHy can he not move nearer to you?

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 19:04

Hi BBG, No, not out of the country, only 1 and a half hours drive away, yes, did meet him on the internet, and do know him... we spend every weekend and a couple of nights during the week together. we are engaged, planning to get married next year and have been together for nearly 16 months

I've always wanted to moved down to were he lives, I used to spend my summer holidays down there until recently. His parents are elderly, mine said they will move down that way as they also love it.

I think the kids will settle better down there if they make friends in school.
His son also lives with him.

I don't think there will ever be a 'right' time, I doubt if the kids could afford to move out of home for a long while even if they get goods jobs, and we will just be delaying our furture together...

their dad has little time for them...

OP posts:
MadeUpNameForAnonymity · 10/01/2011 19:13

If your ex has parental responsibility then you are supposed to discuss changing schools with him. He could apply to court to stop you taking them out of their school but as your kids are quite old I think the judge would listen to what your kids say more than what you or their dad says.

How often does he see the kids now?

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 19:20

He has them every Wednesday and he's meant to have them every other weekend, but often cancels...he just changed the days so that he doesn't have them on a friday night anymore. its a long story but he's just split up from his girlfriend and she was stopping him from seeing them apparently Hmm sounds like crap to me

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 19:39

My initial response was 'no don't do it it is devastating for a dad when this happens'.

However, looking at it being 1.5 hours away, you need to:

  1. PUT YOUR CHILDREN AND THEIR STABILITY FIRST, BEFORE YOUR OWN NEEDS.
  1. discuss this with your kids before making any decisions. Personally, as someone who changed schools fairly regularly as a a kid, and attended two secondaries, i found it quite damaging moving at 14 and it's something that has affected my life quite considerably. i also hold some resentment towards my parents as I feel that our education should have been put first (although I understand the reasons why now).
  1. discuss it with your ex prior to making any decisions. He is their parent too, and you need to facilitate a fair way of him having regular input in their lives, spending regular time together, with your ex not being put at a disadvantage. A three mile round trip is quite a considerable disadvantage.
Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 19:48

we aim to spend more time a BF's rented place to give the children chance over the next year to be familiar with the area,

their dad will still be in this area so gives them a chance to see their friends when they visit him

their friends will be able to visit us, and they will keep in touch via facebook and msn i'm sure

we will discuss it with them nearer the time, its too soon at the moment, it seems such a long way off.

the plan is for DD to go to 6 form and DS to start his gcse's at his new school..

OP posts:
MadeUpNameForAnonymity · 10/01/2011 19:54

What would you do if your kids said that they're not moving with you and their dad said that they could go and live with him?

kayah · 10/01/2011 19:55

you are planning to move younger one during his/her gcse's and elder's A/As levels
maybe wait until they have finished their exams?

hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 19:59

You would be putting your DS2 at a big disadvantage starting GCSE's at a new school.

not only academically but socially.

Interested to hear what happens if they decide to stay with Dad too.

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 20:00

Well, that is a question i've had to ask myself... could I just walk away? I really don't know if I could.

I know he loves them but he doesn't care for them, does that make sense... he has no parental responsibility at the moment and picks and chooses his time with them.

I sometimes feel I would like his life, ie the latest flat screen tellys, holidays.. (he's never taken the kids away)

if the kids decided to stay, I feel it would be to stay with their friends and not him iyswim...

this is something I would seriously have to think about

how do other people manage when they want to move on...

OP posts:
missindependent · 10/01/2011 20:02

Actually, I think 14 and 16 are fairly convenient ages to be moving, if the younger one is starting GCSEs and the older one is starting post-16 studies. If the older one has already started A levels, it may be more difficult.

I think MadeUpName is right re. the legal side of things. As long as your children are happy with the move and you are still offering contact, I doubt an application to court would be successful.

Obviously it's best to be maintain as much stability as possible, but that has to be balanced with ensuring the PWC has the opportunity to develop relationships, which won't happen in a long-distance situation. 1.5 hrs isn't really too far and they could even travel by themselves on a train/coach by that age, I was travelling a bit further than that on my own when I was 15.

Spero · 10/01/2011 20:04

If the other parent has PR in theory, they can object to you moving and ask the court to prevent it. But in practice, given that you are moving only 1.5 hours away and not out of the country, the courts are generally reluctant to stop the resident parent having freedom of movement, particularly if you have sensible plans and a good reason to want to move.

But probably the most important thing here are the ages of your children - courts will only make orders about 16 year olds in exceptional circs, for obvious reasons, at that age you are likely to vote with your feet. Same applies to 14 year old, almost certainly wishes and feelings of children that age are pretty much decisive.

So if both children want to go, shouldn't see you would have any problems at all, but obviously discuss it with their father and try to get his agreement if you can, just for the sake of future amicable relationships.

Points about moving children are good ones - if no hurry might be better to wait for the 16 year old to sort out school etc?

hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 20:04

'parental responsibility' is a legal term to do with whether you were married when they were born, not sure you are geting that (sorry if patronising - but it's a specific legal condition), not 'taking responsibility'.

The thing is, you can't really put your own needs (to move on) before the needs of your kids, especially at such an impressionable and difficult age.

If the new relationship is worth it then it will wait until a more appropriate time.

Have you actually talked through this with your kids at all and found out what their views are?

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 21:34

my other thread is here

HFL by no parental responsibility I mean he has no day to day care of the children, no responsibilities what so ever, he wouldn't even wash DD's clothes while she was there as it wasn't his JOB! won't feed them on the evenings they go there and just really does no more than he has to

I'll discuss it with the kids nearer the time, I just wanted to get my heads round the facts myself first...
I think they will be fine, I'll obviously put their emotional needs first

Do I really need to put my life on hold for the next 6 years before I can move on...

OP posts:
Truckulente · 10/01/2011 21:43

What do you think your children will want to do?

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 22:01

I think they will want to come with us,

It would be interesting to see if ex offers them a home if I want to move away

at the present he has them for no more than he has to and the kids, especially DS who's 12, seem grateful when they see him...

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 22:25

Hi Magic I think as a parent you do need to put your life on hold if that's what is best for your children. Unsure as to the six years comment, but I'd say at least until they have reached 18.

I also realise this is frustrating, but it's what parents do for the good of their children (I speak as a step-parent who has done this a lot, in relation to fairly big life issues).

By parental responsibility, posters are referring to the legal scenario, which may mean you have to have permission to move your children away.

Spero · 10/01/2011 22:27

hairy, I would agree with you IF the other parent was pulling his or her weight. But if the other parent is not that bothered, why on earth should you have to put your own life on hold?

She is not moving to Australia! She is going an hour and a half away. Hardly a distance that is going to get in the way of a relationship with two teenagers.

hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 22:32

Perhaps you've misunderstood Spero. For me, it's not about the parents here. It's about the wellbeing of the children (if you read my posts you can see that my main concern is for the fact that they will be unsettled not only from their dad, but also from their network of friends and all that is familiar, that in itself is very hard on teenagers).

"and the kids, especially DS who's 12, seem grateful when they see him..."

from this I suspect the kids do appreciate time with their father?

Spero · 10/01/2011 22:36

Sorry I got the impression from this thread that he wasn't that bothered, didn't see them that much and didn't put in much effort.

Why on earth should anyone have to circumscribe their own life because the other parent is pretty much indifferent? How ddoes that make things better for the children? Surely it is better that the parent they spend most time with is happy?

Anyway, they would not be moving very far away. The children can still spend time with him. A three hour round trip every other weekend isn't a big deal.

hairyfairylights · 10/01/2011 22:40

Sorry Spero, I'm assuming that's a response to my post - it's not about the parents

I'm not suggesting someone should circumscribe their life because the other parent is indifferent.

I'm talking about what's best overall for the children, as well as what is good for the dad.

I'm also talking about the fact that just because the other parent is not as involved, doesn't mean it's ok to whip the children away because the resident parent wants to live a different life.

Surely it's about consideration of everyone, children first!

Spero · 10/01/2011 22:47

She is moving one and a half hours away. If she was leaving the country, I might take your point about 'whipping them away'.

Is she moving to an island with only helicopter access? Can this father drive or get a bus?

Nor are her children little babies. They can pick up a phone or get on a bus/train themselves quite happily.

You seem to be coming at this from quite a different perspective.

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 22:47

I do feel that their relationship with their dad is a little unhealthy at times, and they must feel rejected by him. I do know that they talk about me there from the things that DS asked me when he comes back.

I do understand what you mean HFL, but my boyfriend does so much more for them than their Dad did/does,

I have a lot to think about before it's written in stone..

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicmayhem · 10/01/2011 22:48

I do feel that their relationship with their dad is a little unhealthy at times, and they must feel rejected by him. I do know that they talk about me there from the things that DS asked me when he comes back.

I do understand what you mean HFL, but my boyfriend does so much more for them than their Dad did/does,

I have a lot to think about before it's written in stone..

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 11/01/2011 00:08

Yes I am coming at it from the perspective of gaving moved at fourteen years old. It damaged
my education and my self esteem. My step mothers
daughter almost moved the family away when she was about this age. Dsd was very anxious about it and had split loyalties and we were all pretty devastated at the prospect.