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Original poster

rebellious son being egged on by xh

26 replies

hypnopombic · 07/01/2011 23:02

Hi there. I'm at my wits end over this. My 18yr old son thinks he can do whatever he likes now that he is 18 including becoming totally inebriated and lying about where he is staying at night and not going into college. This is all bad enough but he seems to have no respect for my rules or my feelings and i have evidence that he is being egged on by my xh who seems to delight in his power to influence my son and undermine my position. My son stays with me about 2 thirds of the time. Can anyone offer any advice. I think this situation is going to be very difficult to change as my xh's hold on my son is very strong but if someone could offer some ideas on how to cope with it that would be great. Thank you

OP posts:
arentfanny · 07/01/2011 23:03

As he is 18 you are no longer required to have him uder your roof, maybe suggest he moves out?

arentfanny · 07/01/2011 23:05

Sorry not helpful but has hopefully bumped it up untill someone else with more experience comes along. Just from a personal point of view my nephew gave my brother and step mother absoute hell around that age egged on at least by his two sisters but he has come out the other side a very nice young man.

Original poster
hypnopombic · 07/01/2011 23:07

Hi arentfanny. Believe me, tonight that is a very tempting idea but i have a younger son and i'm worried about the repurcussion for him and the longer term repurcussion for us all as a family. My mum and stepdad basically threw my older brother out when i was a teenager and it was all really ugly and the family never healed. So not really an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
hypnopombic · 07/01/2011 23:11

Thats good to know. Thank you :)

OP posts:
CarGirl · 07/01/2011 23:11

You don't have to throw him out but you could suggest to him that if he doesn't like your rules he could spend more time at his dad's place. I would stop things such as lifts, washing, ironing if he isn't prepared to respect your house rules!

arentfanny · 07/01/2011 23:11

I think be strong, my SIL and brother laid down some serious rules, even at that age. My nephew comes from a very disfuctional famiy and him and his two sisters have come out the other side, not completely unscathed, but they are OK.

Original poster
hypnopombic · 07/01/2011 23:22

Thanks again arentfanny. You're right. Got to be strong but it's bloomin exhaustin :(
Thanks CarGirl. That's a good idea but his dad altho he likes to stick his oar in wouldnt be prepared to take him more of the time i dont think. The lifts are definitely going to be rationed! I suppose i have to identify any power i have use it to send a message if i can...
Any more ideas? Or even a virtual hug...

OP posts:
CarGirl · 07/01/2011 23:26

I think just stay calm, pick your battles and use what ever currency you can - money, lifts, friends over, mobile bill, internet usage???

Original poster
hypnopombic · 07/01/2011 23:30

Okay. That all sounds good. Thanks for your help x

OP posts:
whiteandnerdy · 07/01/2011 23:32

I have an 18 year old DSS, it's very difficult. I attempt to talk with him, maybe not often enough, being a step son, and as far as I see it my Ex being intent on undermining myself as a caring parent, I find I have to attempt to traverse through a mine field of walls and defenses to really get to the real person that is my son. Lying, telling me what he thinks I want to hear, stone-walling, making stupid excuses that are as water tight as tissue paper .... urggh it goes on and on. Still in amoungst all that bull-shit and mistrust. Sometimes ... just sometimes I get just a taste of the person hiding behind all that. And I hope he understands and trusts who I am but all too often it's fleeting and soon the shileds go up and we're back to square one. IT'S BLOODY EXHAUSTING.

Original poster
hypnopombic · 08/01/2011 10:22

You have my complete sympathy. It takes alot of love doesnt it?

OP posts:
PolythenePam · 08/01/2011 10:27

YANBU!

Have you considered having him tagged? I mean sure, it will be embarrassing for him and his friends will surely point and laugh....but if it stops him from experimenting in an age appropriate way and gaining a bit of independence, I think it's the way forward.

mamas12 · 08/01/2011 11:00

Well I have just had a conversation whith my ds (a little younger admitedly) but what I said was that as he is only ... and he relies on me(us) for lifts money washing etc...(insert your own) then it makes sense to be nice to the people supplying all of the above.
If he wants to be treated like an adult that he is you will treat like respect but it goes two ways.

Just be clam and say next time you do something then the next lift (or whatever) doesn't happen and follow through calmly.
Don't engage with any arguing just do it because that was his choice.

Bloody exhausting!

arentfanny · 08/01/2011 11:45

Definitely stop lifts. My nephew trashed his car (long story) my brother/SIL would happily give him a lift to the station and he would tell them what train he would be coming back on, if he wasnt on that train he would have to walk back, approx 4 miles.

Original poster
hypnopombic · 08/01/2011 23:54

Thanks for your support everyone. This has really helped :)

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Jellykat · 09/01/2011 00:40

Just a thought, if your XH is fuelling this, is there any way of breaking that up a bit?

Could you suggest to your DS that maybe he stays at his dads' more, because you are struggling,knowing full well that his dad won't do that..Would DS then see what his dad is really like and maybe appreciate you more?

Bit of a long shot i know..

whiteandnerdy · 09/01/2011 00:50

Hmm, I would be very wary of such actions unless you fully understand your DS feelings and his actions. I could very easly see this becoming twisted into so your trying to push me away, ah my XH is right you don't care about me anymore! Just saying I'd be very carefull, my son has been banned from using the internet for about 13 months. It's pathetic that after all this time we still haven't been able to sort things out.

whiteandnerdy · 09/01/2011 00:51

oops that should read "ah my dad (your XH) is right" sorry

coldtits · 09/01/2011 00:58

He's 18, not 13. If he fails his a levels/degree, that's his fault, and you really are not responsible for him in any none-adult way.

Do yu need to know where he's staying at night? Really? Considering that poeple his qge are usually at university and do as they damn well please? It's your house, you have certain rules, and he could always move out .... bear in mind that this is a young adult you are dealing with, and discipline and control is not appropriate, any more than it would be if he were 35!

I was a well behaved teenager, but then, by the age of eighteen my parents had stopped trying to control my every move, so I wasn't forced into lying to protect my privacy (as I had at a younger age)

Original poster
hypnopombic · 09/01/2011 17:22

Thanks Jellycat. Very tempting at times, believe me :)
Wise words, whiteand nerdy. Do you want to tell me more about the situation with your own son. Not promising i'd have any magical solutions but..a problem shared and all that.
Thanks coldtits. Taking that all on board :)

OP posts:
Maelstrom · 09/01/2011 18:41

Coldits, when I was 18, I had already been using public transport on my own for 8 years, I had a driving license (for when my younger sister needed a lift), I could cook my own meals, ensure I didn't get myself in trouble and found it stupid to get drunk (I found it cool and hilarious at 14 though).

I don't remember asking my parents "to let me go to..." anywhere, I just took my own decisions and my parents respected them as long as they knew at what time they should ring the police I was coming back.

I was getting a small quantity of money a week while I was at University, such a princely sum... I needed to save for 3 days to be able to afford a jacket potato. If I needed more money, I needed to earn it myself.

I suppose that 20 years ago, parents ensured their offspring had been gradually turned independent and their own persons by the time they turned 18. Nowadays I get shocked to see parents of 20+ years old organising everything and bailing them out of whatever in the way my parents did when I was 12.

Obviously, if the child has not been allowed to become a responsible individual (either by upbringing or because that's the way things are in society nowadays), is still fully dependent on his parents to provide for all his needs, it is only fair for the parent to set some rules in her own house. If the son wants to be treated like an adult he needs to behave like one, until then, he is just a drunk spoiled child taking advantage of the good will of the parents.

I also have a "child of divorced parents" and I often find it difficult to do what I am supposed to do because he has/ is having such a bad time. I cut him some slack, he has not had an easy life, but when it comes to discipline, I often ask myself the question "Would I allow him to behave like that if we were still married?" The answer is normally... the right one.

Maelstrom · 09/01/2011 18:44

And now I realise, we were just saying the same thing [oops]

usualsuspect · 09/01/2011 18:50

I agree with colditz completely ...hes 18 no need to tell you where hes going if he doesn't go to college he faces the consequences ...he sounds like a perfectly normal 18 year old to me

PolythenePam · 10/01/2011 10:13

So do I. When I was 18 I was in my own flat with a job, and where I stayed on any given night was none of my mother's business - and neither did she expect it to be.

He's an adult now.

whiteandnerdy · 10/01/2011 10:54

In the case of my 18 year old he's still maturing into an adult, and it strikes me that even adults have feeling (both parents and their offspring).

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