What's it like, really, to be an LP?

[BoozeandTwos]

Although we haven't come to any decisions yet, DH and I are close to splitting up. We have two DCs, 5 and nearly 2.

Right now, I am feeling quite invigorated by the prospect and can only focus on how great it will be to have him out of my life.

Although I know that being an LP will not exactly be a walk in the park, I can't see (at this point) how much harder it will be than my life at the moment .. which basically entails sharing family life with someone who'd really rather not be with me. Despite my working 4 days a week, he makes no contribution whatsoever to the running of the house, I do all the childcare/school runs, most of the domestic chores, entertain the children etc etc. He works long hours so I'm just so used to him not being around and quite frankly, prefer it like that.

On the rare occasion we have a family day out, it's ruined by his moodiness and reluctance to just be fun and join in. When we're at home together as a family, he'll slope off whenever he can to go on his laptop, and if he does have to look after the kids, then it's 'DVD DAY!!' at our house. I can not see for a second how my life will be WORSE if/when he leaves. In fact, when I'm with the kids on my own for the odd weekend, it goes without saying that we have a better time than when he's there. I'm happier, I think even the kids are happier and more carefree.

I have a pretty good job, and can (just about) afford to stay in the family home without his contribution to the finances (although I know we'll have to sell the house eventually). Our relationship has diminished to such an extent that we barely discuss anything other than the kids or daily admin, so I'm not even relying on him for emotional support or companionship. Right now, I don't feel like I'd need a man in my life at all.

Obviously, I'm dreading the impact on the DCs (and DS (5) in particular HERO worships him) this is inevitably the reason we've limped on like this for so long. I'm bracing myself for that. BUT, right now, I'm hopelessly optimistically thinking that being on my own with them is a brighter, sunnier future for me.

I think he'll still want to be very much involved with the kids, I don't doubt how much he loves them. I'm hoping he'll still live close-by and want to see them at weekends etc. Which again is a major plus point for me - how great to have the odd weekend off!! (again, are all you LPs out there just rolling your eyes with disbelief at my niaviety??!!)

Am I being utterly blinkered, like those cheery posts from new mums-to-be who ask 'how hard can it be having a new born?'

I should also point out that I don't have family nearby. They are supportive, but a 4 hour drive away. I have great friends though.

I would greatly appreciate your views...

you can get a cat to deal with the mice and spiders!

It's not easy, but I think you appreciate that, it's a constant juggling process. But if you don'thave someone to feel resentful about then it's much easier. You know it's all down to you, and that is quite liberating.

So, you can indeed go out when you want (find some babysitters, friend's teenage daughters are good for this, you can make the most of some time to yourself when the dc are at their dad's (although depending on what he's like you may not want to rely on this), you can go where you like on holiday and decorate the house red if you want to!

But, you are now responsible for everything, there are very few men who continue to think of themselvs as an equal parent, they usually end up saying that they'll help if they can rather than being 50% responsible.

Sickness is the real show stopper. That's not just looking after them which is hard enough in itself with two, but also if you are ill. This morning I had to call a friend to take my son in as the other one is ill at home. I then had to organise my dad to come and sit with him as I had a work meeting I had to attend.

But with the right attitude, and a network of friends you can call on if you have to, you'll be fine. For me it comes down to having a routine, making sure I have some time for myself and not thinking too hard about it.

Good luck OP

you guys are sweeeeet. I'm off to find my Gloria Gayner CDs.

it's the bloody cat that brings the mice and spiders in HollyTwat!!

Oh!

I Hoover the spiders!

No idea about mice though

i haven't read any responses yet OP, i just wanted to give my take on it before reading others'

for me the decision to separate came with a massive (and i can'e emphasise that enough) sense of relief. my EXP wasn't violent or particularly bad tempered but i was constantly on edge, waiting for the nest 'issue', or censoring my thoughts to pacify his ego. i have enjoyed these last few months sooooo much simply for the fact that i can do whatever i want without worrying what judgement will be put on me.

My EXP never properly lived with me as he is in the forces and was always away. teh most we spent together was 7 weeks, and that was tough. so i am well used to the evenings alone. i sometimes get a bit resentful that he doesn't do his share of childcare or missing out on nights out with friends or lack of money. he pays his maintenance and that's it. he will visit teh dcs when it suits him to and doesn't ask how they are or where they are in their develpoment or anything. i consider it his loss as he wont know his children, not really.

so yes i love it. i am far happy as a lone parent than i ever was as a couple.

When my XP and I first split up, I used to play this in the morning to lift my spirits Still works if I need cheering up.

I've been a LP for nearly 2 years now and I would still do it all over again.

You will learn to be more organised and resourceful.

I have my family support which I couldn't do without as xh is a twat and is the most unreliable person ever, he hasn't seen the kids in over 3 months now and the time before that was about a month and a half. I really wish he would either see them regularly or not at all as it effects them every time he sees them then doesn't get in contact for weeks or months, it all changed when he got his new bit on the side.

I don't mind though as the kids are my priority, I do get odd nights out, the grandparents are always happy to have them and I'm very lucky because my stepmum doesn't work and will have the kids if they are poorly so I can still work, xh hasn't paid me any money in god knows how long so it's just my wages.

It would be nice to have a partner to talk to when the kids are in bed or to make a cup of tea after a stressful day but as someone has already said above, they would have to be a very special guy to make me disrupt the kids lives again.

The only time I can say that its been hard is when my daughter has her temper tantrums, she can be unbearable but she seems to be slowly growing out of them now she is getting older, those times are hard as I didn't have any support and had to deal with her all by myself.

Keep up the positivity, you can do this, we are made of stronger stuff, one of the things that helped me get through the early days was to write a pros and cons list and look at it every time I felt the need to go back xx

Have a look through some of the issues on here, they tend to be loneliness, exhaustion, and even more exhaustion! They may give you an idea of what it's like.

You can get over the loneliness- but I find you have to work really really hard-often being the one to initiate visits, playdates, asking people over etc.- I think because a single mum is always a bit more needy than someone who is attached (well, I am anyway!).

Socialising during the days(with DS in tow; luckily he's a social little animal too) and housework in the evenings is good I find...

Oh, and throwing a HUGE party once in a while is good, like I am this weekend!

I am one year in , my h left for an ow last xmas.

I am lucky compared to some in that contact is one night a week and every other weekend and I never get messed about.

Also he pays good maintenance and has a helpful attitude overall.

My dc were 10 and 13 when he left so of course that gives leeway on the being tied to the house etc.

I was very lonely in my marriage and spent most evenings alone while he went drinking. Being alone in the evening now has a totally feel to it though and I never feel lonely.

I love being able to please myself and just make decisions on a whim and yes "big" decisions are a bit daunting (like I have to move and buy a new house)but in reality I dont have many to make.

My h was a miserable, selfish, critical, judgemental drunkard who added nothing to my life for the last 2 years we were together and to be free of trying to be the wife he wanted jumping through hoops and constantly adhereing to his view of the world is wonderful.

In short booze from the tone of your post I think it will be as you imagine, you sound sensible enough to know that it will harder to break up than you imagine and I think whoever ends a marriage both parties suffer but in a good cause

I think you sound like a good person and very sensible so you have nothing to be afraid of! If your husband still wants to be involved you will prob find that your children get to spend proper quality time with their father and you get some 'you' time!!! I think my dd (she is nearly 5)has benefited from having a single mum, she def understands the value of things, she has seen me doing all the diy decorating etc to build our home together, she is very independent and also I think because im a single parent I make much more of an effort to be sociable which has rubbed of on my dd as well!!

The downsides are if your ill/tired/stressed there is no one to offload onto!!

If you do decide to seperate there is lots of good info out there on ways to break the news to your children to cause them the minimal amount of stress.

Goood luck

I am a LP and totally agree that being single is loads better than being in a crap relationship. However i wonder if you have really tried everything to make your marriage work... If he's not abusive or violent or unfaithful, then I wonder if it would be worth trying relate or couple therapy ? Did you not love him once? Is it not worth one more shot?
Life as a LP is not awful, but freedom is not in my experience the best word to describe it ....