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4 year old says hse doesn't want to go and see her father anymore

61 replies

evolucy7 · 19/11/2010 20:40

Hello.... now before I start, if you have read my other thread about my ex paying £5 per week maintenance, please do not give any 'helpful' advice about how these 2 things or my attitude or whatever may be linked to this thread...

So...it has been 2 1/2 years since ex left myself and 2 children now 3 and 4. They have stayed overnight with him every other weekend since October 2009. On several occasions my 4 year old has said that she has not had a nice time when she goes to see Daddy and I have always talked about it and tried to talk about the nice things that she does when she sees Dadddy etc. However in the last few months she has been very quiet when she comes back, and after her last visit she has now told me several things, I know these may not be serious events, and of course children like to tell a tale and make out they are so hard done by etc. She said that she drew a picture of our house and our cats and Daddy scribbled on it, and so she went upstairs and cried on her own. She says when they go to bed, the girls sleep together in a double bed but her sister keeps kicking her legs around and scratching her with her toenails lol! So Daddy has decided that her little sister gets to sleep in Daddy's bed from the start and she gets left to sleep on her own, now to me it should be the other way round, its like the youngest messes around and gets the 'privilege' of sleeping in a parents' bed. My 4 year old has said she doesn't like Daddy and doesn't like what he does with them, it is not fun. She says he just 'plays with his toys' and won't draw with her or anything. She has asked me to ignore him when he knocks on the door to collect them next time and not open it.

Has anyone any experience of this, she genuinely seems unhappy about the whole thing. Ex is impossible to talk to, when the subject first arose a few months after they started staying overnight I did talk to him and he just said she was fine when she stayed with him and that was that. He said until a court told him that they were not to stay with him every other weekend then that is what they would do, kind of regardless of how the children mioght be feeling, the only thing he was bothered about was the court order.

OP posts:
mjinsparklystockings · 25/11/2010 23:41

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SparkleSoiree · 25/11/2010 23:41

I would say that somehow you need to make your EX see that it would be beneficial for the children to see you two communicating on a more positive level and making them think that the animosity has fallen to the wayside. Even if it has not it does not matter as they won't know.


How you do that is another story. You may have to give that a lot of thought.

SparkleSoiree · 25/11/2010 23:42

mjin - totally agree with you but how does the OP move forward from here? If she can't find a way forward for all of them then the years are going to be very stressful..

evolucy7 · 25/11/2010 23:44

I actually think it might be best if I just say about the single beds, surely he can't see that as a criticism of his parenting style somehow, it is just practical, they can't sleep in the bed together as he has seen so they need their own.
I will leave it at that and hope that they are ok with going on Saturday, it might be how they act when they first come home but 2 weeks later its ok again, I'll have to play it by ear Smile

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 25/11/2010 23:46

OK, IMO I wouldn't make her go.

DS1 was 3 when he first said to me that he didn't want to see his father and was not going to call him dad anymore. He would tell me to ignore the knocks at the door, he would hide his shoes etc. I tried to keep him going but it made him ill.

His father threatened me with all sorts.

DS1 is now 12 and short of one visit last year in April he has not seen his father regularly in 9 years.

Listen to your DD please.

SparkleSoiree · 25/11/2010 23:47

Evo I hope their weekend is much calmer and happier for all of you.

mjinsparklystockings · 25/11/2010 23:48

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Message withdrawn

SparkleSoiree · 25/11/2010 23:53

That's bloody good for 2 large flasses of wine! I've only had one! Grin

On a serious note you are absolutely spot on. You cannot control somebody else's behaviour, you can only change your own.

I can use that in one or two life situations at the mo!

evolucy7 · 25/11/2010 23:54

thanks sparkle
mjin...I think that is my point how to make it easier because most of the time it should be for the best...however in the very small minority when it might not be for the best, I really don't want to overlook anything that I should be listening to and acting on.

OP posts:
daddydaycare51 · 04/12/2010 03:15

Hi before reading the item below it is not an attack on anyone BUT my own personel experiences ok. I think people are getting the wrong idea about court orders. A court order only states that the parent who has left the family home is to have resonable contact/access to the children it DOES NOT state that the children HAVE to stay overnight at the absent parents new home UNLESS this was specifically asked for through the court system and was added to the contact/access papers , access could be daytime access for the timebeing untill the child feels more confident about staying overnight. I would never ever force my children to stay at thier mothers and I have 4 IF they did not want to , I would ask them why they did not want to then I would chat to thier mother to discuss what the possible problem could be. If she was unwilling to even discuss what the problem could be then as far as I am concerned the overnight sleepovers would stop until she was willing to discuss the problem. I am not saying that everything a child says is the be all end all of visits and sleepovers BUT you as the PRIMARY CARER of the children must take notice/action if it is distressing to the child. Yes children do have mood swings , and do sometimes feel left out in certain circumstances BUT they still should not be ignored. To compare the above to being the same as school is not the same a school would only be to willing to discuss any little problems that any child was having at school , it's different if a parent will not discuss it.

kissingfrogs · 04/12/2010 22:21

well said Daddydaycare Xmas Smile

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