Hi all. Just after some objective opinions before I send this letter. So I don't get accused of AIBU by stealth and so you can judge for yourselves whether I'm over- or under-reacting, here's lots of some background information:
Left DP when DTs were 4 months old due to domestic abuse. DC will be 4 years old in 2 months.
Last weekend there was an incident that I heard but did not see (I was in the adjoining room). My DS was clearly messing about trying to kick his dad, which I wouldn't expect his dad to tolerate as I wouldn't either. However, after two warnings to stop, I then heard a soft thud and my DS came running to me really really upset. I asked his dad what had happened as DS was too upset to talk, and XP said DS was trying to kick him and as XP tried to stop him DS fell over and hurt himself. It sounds very believable but that's not how it sounded to me. However, as I didn't see it and DS wasn't talking, I had no choice but to let it go at the time. The next day, however, DS told me that "daddy kicked me and it really hurt". I asked DS if it as an accident or on purpose and he said "on purpose". I told DS that I would tell daddy off because it was very naughty for adults to hurt children on purpose. I am very pleased that he has taken this on board because he has told his childminder about the incident in a way that makes me confident that he understands that violence is unacceptable and he doesn't have to tolerate it, but that's an aside... Back to the issue, this is the third incident I have heard but not seen that hasn't felt quite 'right' if that makes sense.
Additional info: XP has four children from other relationships that he doesn't see and has never paid any maintenance for. Incidentally, I have a strong relationship with all of them.
Anyway, now you've waded through all that, here's the letter:
Dear XP,
I have several concerns about your visits to X and X. As previous discussions have not resolved anything, I am hoping that this letter will explain in clear terms what I expect.
When we first separated, I made it very clear that you were welcome to see X and X as often as you wanted. Despite this, you have chosen to limit your visits to four hours once a week on a weekend. That is very much your choice and not due to any obstruction on my part.
Twelve months ago, I strongly suggested to you that you needed to make more effort with X and X and take them out to places by yourself. I told you that I felt that as long as your visits were always in my presence, you would never develop a meaningful relationship with them on your own terms. You have taken them to the park by yourself seven times in this time period. All other trips out have been at my instigation and with me involved. This has led me to believe that you have no real interest in having anything other than a superficial relationship with your children. The fact that you have three other children who you have no contact with whatsoever only reinforces this view. While the relationship continues at this level, I see no purpose in you coming down every week. If you are happy with things as they are, then once a fortnight or once every three weeks is adequate.
If you wish to see X and X more often than once every few weeks, I expect you to make more effort when you visit. If money/weather does not permit an outing, I expect you to engage in an activity with them in the house. This will not include watching TV, which is not interactive in anyway and does nothing to develop your relationship with them. Please do not bother to come down when you are very tired or hungover as spending the afternoon nearly falling asleep on the sofa simply sends X and X the message that they are not particularly important to you.
As I have no choice but to work full-time (partly because you have never paid any maintenance), you need to accept that my weekends are special to me. In the past there have been a few occasions (less than two per year) where I have cancelled your visits because I have been away. As I feel that with things as they are currently, X and X will get more out of coming away with me than they will staying at home to have a visit from you, there will be more occasions where we go away for the weekend in future. I will always give you advance notice and we can rearrange another visit on a different day/time if you choose. If I become convinced that you are making more of an effort with X and X and that your visits are very special to them, I will make more effort to avoid activities that require me to be away on Sundays.
As you stormed out the door the last time we discussed this, I will reiterate here that failing to turn up for visits with no prior notice is unacceptable. If you wish to cancel or rearrange a visit, that is absolutely fine, but I expect to be informed beforehand. I will consider anything else to be deeply disrespectful towards our children.
You must also accept that as visits are taking place in MY home, I can decide who is and who isn't welcome in my home at any given time. It is unreasonable for you to expect me to 'ban' other people from my home simply because you are there. You were given the opportunity to take X and X out so that they weren't distracted by other people being around, but you chose not to do this.
When we separated the social worker called in by the police advised me not to let you have contact, but I defended you and said that you were no risk to X and X as you had never been violent with children (except for X, when she was 17, which I then felt were due to extenuating circumstances). However, since then there have been a couple of incidents with X, including one on Christmas Day 2008 when she was 7 where you pushed her so hard she fell off her chair, and another last year where you pulled her hair allegedly in jest but so hard you made her cry! Then there was the incident with X, at the age of 10, at X and X's Naming Ceremony, where you kicked her so hard on the leg you grazed her skin and left a large bruise. There is also the time you attacked X earlier this year, when he was 16. To me, all of these incidents demonstrate that you are prepared to get physically rough with children. Unfortunately, after the incident last Sunday (which is not the first occasion where I have felt you have been 'heavy handed') I feel there is now enough room for doubt for X and X?s safety while in your care that I am no longer happy for you to take our children out by yourself.
If I feel that things are improving significantly, I will reassess the situation. I would love you to have a special relationship with X and X. However, their emotional and physical wellbeing comes before your feelings, and therefore the onus is on you to demonstrate that things have got better, not for me to give you a chance to prove it.
If I see no obvious improvement, I will have no choice but to stop visits in their current form, though I will never stop contact completely unless there are exceptional circumstances. However, unless you are prepared to make more effort, I am no longer prepared to give up half of my weekend and the use of my home facilitating these visits. You can either visit less often, or you can find a contact centre, or you can make your visits worthwhile and spend time properly engaging with your children. The choice is yours.
Yours sincerely
OptimistS
So, what do you think? TIA.