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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I have just completely lost it with my daughter, I'm so ashamed?

47 replies

mummytowillow · 06/11/2010 21:08

I'm so tired, so bored, so skint, I've just started a new job, full time and I'm shattered?

My daughter (3) is a delight (most) of the time, we have had a lovely day, until tonight. She had asked if she could go to bed at 6.30, so I'm getting her milk ready, as I'm putting the lid back on the beaker she said she wanted to do it and grabbed it off me. It spilt everywhere and I'm ashamed to say I lost it. I screamed at her and threw the rest of the milk at her and it hit her in the face

How could I do that to my little girl, she had a look of pure terror on her face, I then continued to shout at her as I put her in the bath as she was covered in milk. She was just a sobbing mess and now I can't stop thinking about it, from the outside that's child abuse, terrible, terrible behaviour from me.

My only excuse is the above and I'm fed up with being a single mum that wasn't my choice! I'm on my period so very hormonal too, why do I have to lose it so much?

We have had cuddles in bed and she seems to have forgotten about it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EightiesChick · 06/11/2010 21:43

winnybella I also thought this. Losing it after a day when they've been acting like a little whatsit all along is more excusable, but the OP said she'd been good the rest of the time.

OP, this makes me think you must be more stressed about the rest of life than even you realise. It's only milk and your DD will forgive you but it would also be good if this serves as a reminder that if you are going to snap, you need to steer it away from your DD, as it were. It's not her fault that you are tired from work etc. But I bet having done this it will never happen again.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:45

Ok- but the milk went everywhere. Not the little girl's fault but imo enough of a trigger to upset an already stressed mum; single or otherwise. One more mess at the end of a day CAN be enough to cause an accident of judgement. I HATE clearing up shit all day.
The fact that the milk went on the dd was a regretable accident and one which the op feels awful about but come on- don'r tell me that you parent with a constant zen-like perfection and if so; can I steal your brain for the day? Coz I am Kat Slater me.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:46

Joke.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:47

OP- it's ok. You won't do it again. I feel short fused much of the time.

AllOverIt · 06/11/2010 21:47

God I feel your pain.

I've been close to losing it with DS this week. He's 3.11 and determined to do everything himself even if he has to spend 45 minutes, yes 45 fucking minutes, doing his coat zip up so we could go to the park. He refuses and tantrums and goes mad if I try to help. Yesterday he actually threw up because he was tantruming so much about doing his own apron tie up so we could do some cooking together.

It drives me INSANE

Anyway , lots of hugs, chatting about why you got angry and that your really sorry should be okay.

BooBooGlass · 06/11/2010 21:50

I'm addressign this at poshsinglemum rather than the OP. It's such bollocks to say that to be shocked by this you have to be some kind of zen like weirdo. I don't have anger issues, no matter how wound up I get I do not show that to my children, or take it out on them. That's just the way I am and tbh I think that if you let anger overtake you in the moment like that it is indicative of a deeper probem. imo.

bettiboo · 06/11/2010 21:50

Don't worry Posh, I hear what you're saying. Life's tough, especially as a single parent. The OP sounds as if things are really tough and she's struggling for a range of reasons. I just hope the OP doesn't beat herself up too much. We're none of us perfect in this world. If we care for ourselves our children benefit. The OP sounds like she needs a wee bit of TLC.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:51

but op; try to get your frustration out by a punchbag/pillow etc.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:52

true; i have felt guilty about loosing my temper and mabe we need extra tlc if we have been abandoned etc.

BooBooGlass · 06/11/2010 21:53

psm, I have been abandoned. I have accepeted it, and tbh my anger, not that I waste any time on the emotion or waste of space, is directed at the prick man who abandoned me. Remember he abandoned the children as well as you. Don't take it out on them

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:56

we shouldn't take it out on kids and being zen isn't at all wierd; it's what i'd like to be but the reality is; we do have buttons that are pressed. op didn't hit her dd and now she feels awful. i shouted at dd for spilling lots of juice on the carpet. does that make me an arsehole? No - I think that's setting limits. Op's reaction was extreme but she feels sorry and she hugged her dd to sleep rather than doing a Gina Ford.

poshsinglemum · 06/11/2010 21:57

Gina ford being the acceptable face of making kids conform btw.

HappyWithLife · 06/11/2010 22:15

The OP didn't mean to do it, which means she snapped in anger and frustration. BUT what if it had been hot milk? It doesn't have to be boiling hot to burn a toddler's skin remember. I'm not slating you OP, life is sooo hard being a lone parent and sometimes it feels as if we have no where to turn, but you have to get help if you feel that this could ever happen again. There's no shame in asking for help; if anything it shows strength and courage.
Good luck.

winnybella · 06/11/2010 22:22

posh- I don't think it's setting limits to scream at your child for spilling the juice. Unless they're doing it on purpose.

Anyway, I am not a perfect parent and I've made some mistakes with ds that I make sure I won't do with dd- I spanked his bottom a few times (lightly, one slap, but still) when he was being really, really horrible.

But I have learned from each of these incidents, even if it took a few times for me to realise that it wouldn't solve anyhing and that it was wrong. And also in OP's case it was the violence of throwing the milk at her child that struck me. No, the child wasn't hurt, of course, but it's quite an aggressive thing to do,and also it seems that that child wasn't trying OP's patience the whole day.That's why, while I don't think it was a case of child abuse, I do not think it's an acceptable behaviour.

OP- I did not mean to make you feel bad, btw. Just that you need to have a think why you reacted the way you did.

ChippingIn · 06/11/2010 22:26

Mummytowillow - all (but the saintly) do things we wish we hadn't. The milk going in her face was an accident and hasn't hurt her. It's all been more upsetting to you than her.

See how you feel after a few more weeks in your new job and if it's not working out you'll need to think again.

The new job should help with the 'skint' and hopefully the 'bored'... maybe once you get into a routine you wont be so tired.

Let anyone who would help, help. Don't be too proud to ask and accept help! and don't worry about things sliding a bit around the house.

Meglet · 06/11/2010 22:28

As a lone parent my nerves are often stretched to breaking point when my DC's are playing up. It does feel like I am under siege most days, even worse when we are rushing to nursery / work.

m2w You know it wasn't a great thing to do. Fresh start tomorrow.

TrappedinSuburbia · 06/11/2010 23:20

boobooglass, it must be fantastic to be such the perfect parent 100% of the time.
Obviously that is what we all strive for, but ffs, we are only human ourselves and doing the best we can, why don't you just piss off back to your perfect world.

BooBooGlass · 06/11/2010 23:25

Erm, no
Nowhere have I said I am the perfect parent. What I have said is that I do not take out my anger on my children. World of difference and tbh if you consider that to be perfect, you have very low standards

readywithwellies · 07/11/2010 21:57

There ain't no point in crying over spilt milk.

It is done. You know it was wrong. Have posted on your threads previously about your job etc so what you need to decide is, is this a one off and are you able to cope with the current situation?

Don't let it become normal to lose it with your dd, if you are, something has got to give. I have never got to the point where I have done anything physical to my dcs, but I have shouted in tmeper and I know how guilty I feel afterwards that I just don't do it.

If its a one off, forgive yourself, your dd seems to have. If it happens again, and you can't control yourself, you need help.

girliefriend · 07/11/2010 22:12

Hello I've been there and the bags of guilt to prove it. I 'lost it' with my dd when she was about the same age and weirdly it was a similiar situation. She had been okay all day and I was getting her ready for bed when she suddenly went really silly and started charging around and when I went to pick her up she raised her hand as if to hit me and I really went mad at her, que both of us in floods of tears. I was physically shaking and I scared myself let alone my little girl. We had cuddles and lots of applologies and I'm proud to say it hasn't happened since (that was a year ago). I think I have got better at realising when I am getting wound up and better at defusing situations. Also physically removing myself until I have calmed down when I start to feel like I might lose it. Like the others have said we are human and its hard work being a parent and even harder when you are on your own. The fact that you are feeling bad about it is good as it means you are reflecting and hopefully will learn from it so it won't happen again.

Antalya1 · 07/11/2010 23:56

My DS's are much older, teenagers, and I have brought them up by myself. It's been tough, with normal issues that we all have on here, lack of money, tiredness, lack of support etc. and I will fully admit, although not proud of it, that I've lost it sometimes.

It took me a long time to figure out that part of the problem was guilt, I left their Dad. But as soon as I realised I'm not perfect things got better. I make mistakes, I'm snappy when I'm tired/worried/fed-up of the bickering, however they can also be bad-tempered and unreasonable.

On the whole we're ok, but far from 'The Waltons'!!

Op stop beating yourself up, I don't believe anyone who says that they've never done something, shouted, been snappy etc. that once they've calmed down are ashamed of, because none of us are perfect.

It's happened, you'll feel guilty for a few days and you won't forget it but tomorrows a fresh start.

ParrotandBubbles · 08/11/2010 08:45

Just wanted to add that if you do feel like you need extra support/counselling etc speak to your healthvistor. I have two DDs under 2 and after a stressful 6 months ended up screaming at DD1 in the street (she refused to apologise for something, I can't remember what) and came the closest I have ever been to hitting her. I normally don't mind when she doesn't apologise (I mean she was under 2 at this stage!) but it was the final straw of a lot of a stress. I was so horrifed by the strength of my feelings that i rang my HV who organised some family support and anger management - fast foward 6 months and yes i occosianly shout at the kids when they've been naughty and pushing buttons all day but i am in control and have learnt to recognise a point when i need to parcels the dcs off for the day to get some me time. What happened happened and beating yourself up won't help - trust me worrying about means you care and you it won't happen again!

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