How do mums working full time do it?

[alisara]

I am currently in a part-time job (a long term temporary contract) I have recently been offered an extension until March but only if I do it full time. (I am currently searching for a permanent part time job or full time flexi although work is thin on the ground in my area).

I have a 12 year old dd.

I am worried because - I receive hb and wftc and worry that I will be worse off

I am stressed about coming home every night after 6pm, not having a lot of time with dd and how the hell do I look after my house!

This sounds ridiculous but feel on a saturday and sunday I will spend the two days cleaning, washing and ironing, shopping and to top it all off my mother is ill (which is another story)

I am dreading it all, so please lone mums and dads how the hell do you do it?

As above:

• low standards
• cleaner if you can afford one (I can't at the moment - and my low standards have had to sink a little lower!)
• shop online
• cook up once a week
• I do have family help though, do have any younger cousins/family etc who could stay with you once in a while or help with nursery/school drop offs?

-take pleasure from even the smallest 'win', it will keep you going.

I also fully expect to be the 'rubbish' mum, when DC start primary school, as I won't be able to fully participate.

Dont know if i can afford a cleaner and i know that if i could i would clean for the cleaner iyswim?

Just wondered if anyone knows would i really be any better off financially, say would i still get ctc and wtc? and poss hb?

Not being greedy but have a high rent etc

cleaner.
online shopping
simple food.

Ali, someone earlier in the thread mentioned going to benefits office (? Or job cebtre?, can't see who thread atm on blackberry) where they can halp you calculate whether you will be better off in absolute terms. The thing they won't be able to calculate, and only you know the value, is the benefit to you of ft work from the perspective of future career/earning prospects etc etc.

Hopefully what you have in this thread is a sense that lots of us do this, from many and varied circumstances and, while not easy, it is do-able and can be positive.

Well - posted on mh boards re my mum. She is very ill (she has a mh team out to see her daily) i have a sister who lives with mum and she works f/t and cares for mum at night and at weekends. I hate my mum being alone during the day.

I am just not coping and feel very sad and i have to go to work this afternoon and cant face it........ i just dont know what i will feel like and cope with going f/time in a fortnight...

i know that i can just resign and take benefits but i have a dd and she has a lifestyle! and i really dont want to take that away from her either again i just do not know how the hell i am going to cope, f/t seems so hard going from everyones comments especially when on your own, and i am totally on my own and with mum being ill on top of it all i am at my wits end - sorry for the rant but i am so * off!

alisara - I feel for you, its not easy coping with all of this but believe me you can do it. It is hard working fulltime but i could never give up work voluntarily and live off benefits (i do get tax credits and some hb) for 2 main reasons.
One being that i am sure i am much more financially better off working full time, we dont live in luxury but we dont go without either and we even scraped enough together for a weeks holiday this year.
Secondly i have always worked (apart from when on maternity leave) and i dont want my childen to think its ok to sit at home living off benefits when i am fully able to work, i feel very strongly about this. My children are now 15 and 10 so there is no reason why i should not work to support them.

Both of my parents are disabled and i am their carer (only have 1 brother and he lives 100 miles away) so i can see where you are coming from there. Dont beat yourself up so much, its going to be a bit of a juggling act but i am sure your daughter wont suffer if you work more hours as you sound like a great mum to me. We do all our chores on a sat and sunday morning then the afternoons are free to do what we please, it works for us, maybe you could do something similar too.

Good luck.

Feeling Old

Thank you - your post has really helped especially since i am not the only lone mum looking after a parent and trying to work.

I dont think that i will give up my work - i have never been on benefits and and i am a bit frightened with this new government - id rather depend on me.

It is going to be hard - but all of you manage and i am so grateful for all of the tips

feeling old - sorry - you still get hb and tax credits? I didnt know you still could that would be a big help, does anyone else?

alisara, just realised why I recognised your name. I posted on the thread about your Mum. Tell me to sod off, but I definitely think you should go FT because then you can't be guilted into/feel guilty about getting more involved in your Mum's life.

Your Mum has significant mental health issues and they are very hard to deal with. I think, as you recognise yourself, there are some complex dynamics in your family. I would work FT and use some of that extra money for some therapy - it's what I've done (for different reasons) but as a LP my life is much easier than when I had a partner as the therapy has helped me resolve some of the really big issues in my life.

Happiness is incredibly valuable.

You still get tax credits if you go full time, in fact you get a 'bonus' for being full time (30+ hours). Plus you can apply fo help towards your childcare costs as long as they are ofsted registered. They take into account your childcare costs when calculating your HB and council tax benefit.

Have to say you're unlikely to get council tax benefit if you're full time, but may still get some housing benefits.

You may lose things like free prescriptions and eyetests though. Something else to bear in mind.

Phone the job centre and ask for an appointmnet with their lone parent advisor. They will crunch the figures and tell you the real figures re WTC, CTC, childcare element and also HB. My lone parent advisor was great and as a lone parent herself she knew the realities and made sure I knew everything I could claim and was entitled too.

Also you need to think about the benefit route seriously. Your dd is 12, so you won't be entitled to income support any more. You'll have to actively be seeking work and be on JSA. They'll expect you to take whatever job you may be offered and they'll push you to be as flexible on your hours as you possibly can waving all the childcare providers in your area at you; options you may not be entirely happy with.

So while you may prefer to be part time it doesn't mean you'll be able to turn down jobs that are full time and keep getting JSA unless you can show you simply don't have child care options available to you or can;t get to and from the job.

Not trying to scare you, just saying you're better off knowing the realities and the figures and the options open to you. Please go and see your lone parent advisor at the job centre, was really worth my while when I did so.

Queen of Whatever! Right again - I am going for a care assessment (so will report back on that thread) apparently a sw from my mums mh team told me that i can get some support, i.e therapy - what do you think of that! lol

Gillybean I am off on Monday so I think that I will make appt with lone parent advisor, thanks i didnt think of that!

Queen of whatever, just wanted to say i know why i am a lone parent - i can recognise that my ex couldnt take it anymore, that makes me sad as i would love to go back in time but in time i hope things will change..

I too am a lone parent. My ex works overseas and doesn't see the kids, but does send me money every month. Other than my mum doing the school run I have no help. I work full time, but it's term time only.

The things that have helped me are.

1. cleaner
2. asda online
3. good friends
4. being very firm ( but fair ) in what I expect of the kids round the house.

It's bloody hard and I can't remember the last time I left the house without at least one child ( other than work ).

I have a cleaner and very low standards. House is a mess except for the night before the cleaner comes when I tidy. Evenings are my times for me. I don't have any help but I do laundry in the week and cook a load of mince or a roast on a Sunday and make meals from that the rest of the week. Online shopping too

Well, as i stated i was to start f/t employment in 2 weeks - work hit me with a bombshell yesterday, I have to start on Tuesday ffffffff! i am so angry this was done without any notice and as a temp what could i do.

I have no other option but to start or else become unemployed, not a good time of year to not work with christmas coming up.

Good news is - just did my first online shop and i have to say it was a bit off a faff, but much much easier to watch eastenders with my feet up than run ragged around tesco

Wonder how i will cope next week. I had an appointment made with lp advisor but now i cant attend due to working next week. I am dreading it i really am. I have not worked f/t in 13 years since pregnant with dd, i really have been so grateful for all of the tips i hope i put them into good practice next week

Alisara - have you registered your Clubcard? If you do all the stuff you normally buy in store will be in your Favourites online.

Am pleased you seem a little more positive on your last post.

If you want something done give it to a busy person...you can do it and you will probably enjoy it at first. After 6 years it proved too much but that's because my DS goes to a small rural primary and there was no Ofsed childminders to pick him up after the first year (they went out to work ironically!).Can't claim childcare back if they aren't registered so it's costing me a fortune in wine for "favours"!

To be honest I couldn't stay at home all day but neither could I afford to run a car so I've gone back to Uni. I can catch a train and it doesn't matter so much if I miss the odd lecture if I have to.That was a real problem ,the fear of being off work with DS having a cold or bump in the playground or car breaking down was a real stress

Once you get a routine you'll be fine...but yes the house does suffer!!

Alisara try and change your appointment at the job centre to lunch time. It shouldn't take you too long to go through it and hopefully it's close enough that you can do it still. Otherwise ask if you can have a phone meeting instead in lunch break.

Or simply tell work that you had an appointment booked and can't change it and go anyway. If they press for more info simply say it's the dentist if you don't want to say job centre. They have to give you reasonable time for these things and they did spring the changes on you last minute here. Or offer to make up the missed time and work half your lunch break for a few days.

And so the juggling begins!

Have you looked at entitledto website. If you play with the figures it should give you an esitmate.

Thats an idea gillybean to try a phone appt - my workplace is too far away from jobcentre, also onadietcokebreak i tried entitled as you suggested it wasnt as bad financially as i thought - but i ran it through for how things are right now at this moment for me (p/t hrs) and it seems hb havent paid me enough? think i shall be letting them know about that one!

I have three dc and work full time and go to school so if I can do it, you can too.

Food shopping on-line is the best thing ever. I've found I even spend less when I can look in the cupboards and see what I really need. I also don't make as many impulse buys. I also don't have to carry massive bags of shopping up to my 2nd floor walk-up.

My DD's (15, 12, and 8) all help. They sort their clothes and do their laundry. The older two can each make a variety of simple meals (scrambled eggs, pasta bolognese, cheese sandwiches, tinned soups). My 12 year old likes Jamie Oliver's receipes since they are simple; her most recent accomplishment is Pan Fried Trout. They change their own linens and wash the dishes. Even the 8 year old can sweep and damp mop the kitchen and bathroom. Yes they grumble but they know they are expected to do their share because it leaves more time for us to enjoy our weekends.

I treat myself once a month and send out the linens and towels. It's heavy and sheets take so long to fold.

We plan our time out so that either Saturday or Sunday is open to do something fun. Once a month or so, we plan out a "Pajama Day" - we don't take off our pajamas all day. We can do small chores around the house but no one comes over and we just laze around all day. It helps on all those crazy days to know you have one day of total sloth coming up.

Figure out what chores you can't sleep without doing and which ones can wait. I can't sleep with dirty dishes in the sink but I'm fine with sweepiing only once a week. My friend will probably spend her last minutes sweeping crumbs off her floor but isn't so worried about the "child clutter". Once you hit your stride you'll be fine.

Hi there, I agree with a lot said here but don't be too hard on yourself. We all make it work in our own way, sometimes successfully and sometimes i know I'm spread waaaaaaay too thin and I feel like I'm not giving enough time to anything - work, family etc.

But My biggest advice (and turning point for me when I realised it I suppose) is it's about quality not quantity in terms of time with dcs. I have a 2 yr old ds and been lp since 10 weeks preg, and run my own business so not even any mat leave! And no I don't spend as much time with him as I would like, but I try to have proper 'us' time when we do. Even just going to the park or making biscuits, just forget the house and work and do something just the two of you. So get the help (cleaner, ironing, offers of babysitting etc - ask for help and take it if you get it!) and reward your hard work - after all you'll have more money coming in than you do now.

Try the job, if you hate your new situation you can always leave and go on benefits for a bit, but if you say no then you will never know if you could have made it worked.

ps totally agree re pyjama day march hare, awesome idea! And my 2 year old already does jobs round the house too as he has to (I'm slightly disabled so I need him to help where he can), and amazingly he does a bit already, I suppose it's normal to him! Or am I cruel mother....

hi, i'm a lp, i work FT and have 2 dcs aged 3 and 7, it only works for me as my work are flexible and let me leave early / arrive late as needed and WFH sometimes. my house is a tip and i have given up on the garden as not getting enough time - it is overgrown with weeds taller than me. that kind of stuff really gets me down and means i dont invite people round as often as i would like which is a bit rubbish.

when i am feeling stretched and guilty i remind myself that

1. this too shall pass - in 5 yrs time things will be different, my dcs will be older, i am unlikely to be working at the same place / job, and i can look back and say "phew - that was a busy time"
2. i am setting a good example for my children by working hard and being responsible
3. i am a good mum when i am happy, when i am getting enough adult conversation, when i feel valued and needed and stimulated and proud of what i do...

good luck alisara!

ps pyjama day an amazing idea! as is getting someone to do the garden twice a year

It is really hard and some of the responses here have been really hard. My boss's boss's boss(!!) said to me recently... "You work full time. Giving your all. You raise your dc. To the very best of your ability. You hold body and soul together, for all of you. So... STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP."
He was right. Maybe you needed to be there but it really helped loads.